USELESS QUESTION:
IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?
USELESS FACT:
NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU CAN'T BAPTIZE CATS.Wow! What an occasion! What a ceremony! The rings! What a Super Saturday! What a party at the end! So many people! So much tension! So much emotion! So many tears! So much happiness! So much support! So much laughter! But enough of my daughter’s wedding and my speech. The Olympics have been on as well, and didn’t Team GB do well? Sadly, my Olympic euphoria lasted until I turned the TV on after the Olympics and remembered how bad daytime TV is without world class sport and nationalistic fervour for entertainment. Roll on the Paralympics. Wheelchair basketball looks like the best gladiatorial entertainment on wheels since the Romans raced chariots in the Circus Maximus.
In the Battle of the Genders the women returned to winning ways, winning by 506 points to 500 to assume their natural position of haughty indifference. In the overall race, both genders have 4375 points and are now equal, something the ladies refuse to accept and dispute vigorously.
So, who qualified to be dropped like the baton in the relay race this time? In 137th place with 365 points we have From Marussia With Love getting as high as a midget high jumper. In 138th place with 364 points we have Donnelly's Danglers crashing harder than the pole vaulter whose pole broke. In 139th place with 360 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher performing like the hammer, not the thrower. In 140th place with 355 points we have The Leg Ends whose performance was flatter than a discus. In 141st place with 354 points we have Mr Kobyashi who would be less embarrassed if he was a Catholic priest. In 142nd place with 340 points we have Erik The Elephant, who needs to take some performance enhancing drugs, according to his wife, who lives in hope. In 143rd place with 332 points we have Last Man Standing who is worried he’s getting old as they’ve discontinued his blood type.
Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 144th place with 312 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel a couple tied together like the weightlifting clean and jerk…and they’re fighting over who’s the jerk. Finally, in last place with 309 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? whose contribution during London 2012 has been ‘Olympian’ (said a Greggs spokesman).
All of our decadent decade this time have appeared here before, so don’t care that avarice is a deadly sin. In joint 9th place with 626 points we have Mack-Aroony and Slicksmyballs who prefer field events, but enough of their fetish. In 8th place with 635 points we have Sidders NDC who is waiting for stalking to become an Olympic event before he reveals his natural ability. In 7th place with 637 points we have Fletch Lives who declined a place on the Team GB dressage team when he was told he had to dress right, because he prefers to dress to the left. In 6th place with 641 points we have D&J's Dream Team who dreams of being as good as the USA basketball Dream Team rather than being slam dunked like the ball. In 5th place with 659 points we have Ben GP performing better than an East German West German wall pole vaulter in the 1960’s. In 4th place with 660 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne rising like sewage in the drains during a thunderstorm.
Our podium medal winners this time are praying that their urine samples have been lost. In 3rd place with 676 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok who is now in strict training for the world whisky tasting championships. In 2nd place with 677 points we have Neddie Seagoon, whose father had a profound influence on him; he was also a lunatic. Finally, with 678 points, the champagne and trophy for this race go to last season’s winner, Erik Estrada who went to the Doctor’s after a comment from his wife and his genitalia examination revealed that he is circumcised, not circus sized…he’s now been sent for a hearing check.
All of the teams at the bottom are basically the same as those at the bottom of the Olympics medal table – just there for the party and what they can steal from the athlete’s village as souvenirs. In 137th place with 3356 points we have Team Holynski, a one man team who, until they invent time travel, can’t carry the flag and walking behind it at the same time. In 138th place with 3324 points we have Merlions from the other side of the world proving that it is a small world, but he wouldn’t like to paint it. In 139th place with 3280 points we have Blast From The Past showing that he’s as much use to F1 as Paul Gascoigne is to hostage negotiation. Remaining in 140th place with 2924 points we have From Marussia With Love dropping faster than a relay baton. Still in 141st place with 2795 points we have Erik The Elephant who’s embraced the Olympic spirit and increased his fitness training by watching Jane Fonda’s workout video as often as he can, and he now has incredibly strong wrists. In 142nd place with 2757 points we have Donnelly's Danglers feeling more battered than Tae Kwan Doe body armour.
Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 143rd place with 2724 points we have the terminal twins of And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, who would qualify as the double skulls, but the rest of their physique is rubbish. Rising almost as much as his blood pressure to 145th place with 2678 points we have Last Man Standing having less success than the Iceland beach volleyball team. Finally, in last place with 2658 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? who will prove that smoking cures weight problems…eventually.
At the top of the medal table, the positions higher than that achieved by Australia, who finished in 10th place, are now as follows. In joint 9th place with 5087 points we have the stationary Peter Leatherland taking evasive action to avoid the falling X-Wing who is coming down faster than Tom Daley from the 10 metre board. In joint 7th place with 5106 points we have Do'nut Donnelly and Millenium Falcon circling each other like Greco-Roman wrestlers trying to get a better crotch grip. Rising to 6th place with 5110 points we have Martony Racing 1 rising faster than Michael Phelp’s medal count. Slipping to 5th place with 5112 points we have Mr Fenster feeling less epic, more like a blunt epee. Climbing back on the honours list in 4th place with 5126 points we have Neddie Seagoon who bought a microwave TV and watched the whole of the Olympics in eight minutes.
So, who are our proud medallists now? Climbing back to 3rd place with 5139 points we have Mack-Aroony performing like Jessica Ennis, only in a tight skirt and high heels. Zooming into 2nd place with 5187 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, a man so thick skinned he could be used as an archery target without any ill effects at all. Finally, remaining in first place with 5309 points is Bis Bravehearts who is feeling so good he’d could challenge Usain Bolt to a race to the nearest chippie and know he would win, but then chippies are his natural habitat.
The next race is the Belgian GP at Spa-Francorchamp on Sunday 2nd September, the day after I turn 65 and start to get some of the exorbitant amount of tax I paid during my working life back from the Government via the state pension. Hurray!
Regards,
Lawrence.