DOES KILLING TIME
DAMAGE ETERNITY?
USELESS FACT:
IF A FROG’S MOUTH
IS HELD OPEN FOR TOO LONG THE FROG WILL SUFFOCATE.
Well, we’ve come to the end of
another season, during which Sebastian Vettel dominated the driver’s
championship almost as much as the men dominated the women in our piece of
fun. In spite of the number
of entrants being down on the previous two years due to the recession and the
continued ‘restructuring’ at Carillion Energy Services we had the magnificent
total of 116 teams entered, and I managed to extract the entry fee from 113 of
them. Those who didn’t pay have
disappeared off my radar, presumably because of the aforementioned
‘restructuring.’ Because of the reduced
number of teams entered the total amount that will be donated to charity this
year is reduced on last year, but the average donation per team actually
increased. My heartfelt thanks to
everyone who went above and beyond the call of duty for the sake of others less
fortunate than we are. May Santa Claus
be kind to you.
So, how
much did we raise for charity, who were the
winners, which charities have benefited from the winners’ generosity, and who
won the additional £1 entry fee personal prize? Those deserving of
praise, please stand and acknowledge the applause from your peers. Those deserving of embarrassment, please look
away now.
Before I give the final
overall places report I would like to mention some of the highlights – and
lowlights – that have been enjoyed by some of our idiotic collective this
season. First we had 19 races that produced 14 different winners, with Peter
Leatherland and Singing In The Rain winning three
each…lucky devils. At the other end we
had an unlucky 13 different teams that came last in a race with Pedro
Gallagher and Parking At Rascasse both doing this three
times, showing that, when it comes to F1, some people have an IQ smaller than
their shoe size. There is also a dishonourable
mention for Kerrie Goodall 1, the only team ever to come first and then last
in consecutive races.
The last honourable mention of this seasonal review is
for the person that guessed closest to the laps total, this being Paul Szomoru with
his guess of 22,750 laps. The actual total of all of the laps was 22,778. If only he had used the same crystal ball to select
his team; he came 5th overall but, like his lap prediction, close
but no cigar.
In the battle of the genders the men toyed with the
ladies, like a cat with a mouse, before beating them by a single point, 509 to
508, just to rub it in. In the overall
race the men beat the ladies by 8762 points to 8465, thus maintaining their
view that plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be
otherwise.
Even at this late stage
of the season we still have one debutant.
In
107th place with 378 points we have Erik Estrada adjusting his
budgie smugglers in an effort to hide his deficiencies. Finally making his debut in 108th
place with 352 points we have 1st GB who has been using Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak all season but
has now foolishly cast it aside to expose himself to the full glare of public
humiliation. In 109th
place with 350 points we have Pedro Gallagher continuing to do for Formula 1 what jihad has done for world
peace. In 110th place with
332 points we have Mr Kobyashi a usual suspect who has been going downhill
since his highpoint in 2010 finally surfacing this season for his debut in a
position the should be prosecutable. In 111th
place with 324 points we have Do'nut Donnelly going round in
ever decreasing circles and disappearing up his own sugar coating. In 112th place with 299 points
we have Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes!
with a performance flatter than a ballet slipper. In joint 113th place with 283 points we
have At Risk and Chaser Slayer a pair who were
the inspiration for the John Lewis Christmas TV advert…one sleeping most of the
time and one without much hare hair.
Occupying the
inverse podium of shame in 115th place with 243 points we have Charlie
Max Gallagher who was hoping for better than this, much as he’s hoping for better
presents at Christmas to compensate for the humiliation he’s suffered because
of his Dad’s poor team selection for him…hint to Dad. Finally, in last place with 185 points
we have Mackaroony who couldn’t be more embarrassed if she was
publically vajazzled, although aren’t they meant to be seen in public or else
what’s the point?
Now, who’s
suddenly happier than an arsonist on Guy Fawkes Night? In 10th place with 632 points we have Down
Under Girl experiencing that rare pleasure of being on top for a change. In 9th place with 635 points we have Singing
In
The Rain breaking
into the Hallelujah Chorus at full voice. In 8th place with 639 points we have Donnelly's
Danglers shining brighter than the baubles on a Christmas tree. In 7th place with 641 points we have Stew
the Brew showing he has more kick than Special Brew. In 6th place with 649 points we have Evo continuing her evolution
into an intelligent life form. In 5th place with 664 points we have David
Parkin who is one doctor that is performing better than
the NHS, even if he isn’t a medical doctor, just more in need of a
medical. In 4th place with 670 points we have Robbies
Banger Racing showing that this is one banger that didn’t explode on Guy Fawkes Night.
Who are those on the
podium that are happier than an Eskimo in an ice cream factory freezer? In 3rd place with 687 points we have Stop Up Villa continuing to perform at a level that is higher
than the national opinion of the Brum accent.
In
2nd place with 693 points we have Willy Wonka with his highest finishing position of the season,
but it’s like his love life… too little too late. Taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our
winner with 725 points is Robbie The Reindeer finally getting his
reward for all his hard work, and wondering why at Christmas the reindeer only get
a carrot while the fat guy they haul around gets the mince pies and sherry.
In the overall
standings whose standing is lower than David Milliband’s opinion of his brother
Ed? Rising to 107th place
with 7344 points we have Stuart Gunn just failing to achieve redemption and escape from
purgatory. Rising to 108th place with 7271 points we have Flip Me Again making a superhuman effort to escape but just
failing, like a human cannonball falling short of the net. Rising
to
109th place with 7263 points we have Larry's Shirt who had a row
with his boss recently, but that’s one of the perks of working near a boating
lake. Rising to 110th place
with 7200 points we have Blanche blanching at the
embarrassment she’s brought upon herself but blushing less than some of the
male welders she worked alongside when she used industrial language as they’d
never heard such a sustained use of Anglo Saxon expletives without repetition,
deviation or hesitation in such a posh accent.
Falling
to 111th place with 7188 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher asking for all this season’s results to be treated
like all embarrassing things relating to the Royal family and embargoed under
the 100 years rule. Slipping back again
to 112th place with 7147 points we have Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes! who should get a pair of wellies as her hopes this
season have sunk beneath the waves without trace. Rising to 113th place with 7069 points we have Hezza's
Heroes 2 escaping the pit of doom with a mighty leap.
Which triumvirate
occupying the inverse podium of shame are now left without hope? Stuck in 114th place with 7021 points we have Peter
Baker whose performance this
season has been worse than the England cricket team in the Ashes in Australia. Dropping to 115th place with 6960 points we have Pedro
Gallagher whose performance this season resembles his pet, a turkey. He’s wondering what to
give his pet turkey for Christmas…I suggest he gives it hope. Finally, rooted like a mighty oak in last place,
with 6856 points we have Baja Scoch, the only team to
be in the bottom ten overall all season and plumb last for all bar two early
races. Now that’s a performance that I
hope is far less funny than Adrian Hull, the embarrassed team owner, has for his
stand-up routine.
Now, whose hopes
are soaring higher than Ed Milliband’s opinion of himself? Rising to 10th place with 9947 points
we have David Parkin finally getting the rewards for the years he spent
getting a higher education. Dropping
to 9th place with 9958 points we have Houghton Bird suffering the
after effects of too much pre-New Year’s Eve training. Rising again to 8th place
with 9967 points we have Robbies Banger Racing who has exceeded all of his expectations and prevented me from
humiliating him again…but there’s always next season. Slipping to 7th place with 9987 points
we have Ayr Town Centre seeking listed
status to prevent being knocked down, instead of being knocked back as
usual. Dropping out of the money to 6th
place with 9995 points we have Cymru F1 crying all the way to the bar for a consolation drink…or eight. Remaining in 5th place with 10003 points
we have Paul Szomoru and if he can
maintain his rate of improvement this season from last season into next season
– try saying that drunk - should win by a country mile, unless he’s walking the
wrong way.
Now, who after a
long and arduous season has won the money for their chosen charities? Leaping into the money and 4th
place for the first time this season with 10034 points to claim prize money of £50.25 (£62.81
with Gift Aid) we have Stop Up Villa, alias Steve Jones, who arrived here later
than most brides do at their wedding. Steve
is donating his winnings to Cancer Research UK.
Our
podium occupants remain unchanged. In 3rd
place with 10207 points we have Pedro Leatherland the monster who
wins £75.38 (£94.22 with
Gift Aid) but
remains behind his master, the mad scientist Peter Leatherland who claims 2nd
place with 10350 points and wins £125.63 (£157.03 with Gift Aid) for
his trouble. Peter is donating his third
place prize of £75.38 to the DEC Typhoon Haiyan
Appeal, and donating his second place prize of £125.63 to COCO, which is an
international children’s charity based in Newcastle upon Tyne. COCO works with
communities in remote regions overseas to alleviate the poverty preventing
children’s education. COCO stands for Comrades of Children Overseas, a name
taken from the famous Comrades Marathon in South Africa which both their
Co-Founders, Steve Cram MBE and Jim Panton, ran back in 1998. They both
realised the impact fundraising could have on the lives of people blighted by
poverty and believed that education provided the answer to overcoming poverty –
you can see more at: http://www.coco.org.uk.
Finally,
our winner with 10596 points is Singing In The Rain who, for those
who know of my good fortune on The Chase earlier
this year, will have guessed is me. I
was lucky on The Chase with the
question about Singing in the Rain and
was lucky with my team selection this season.
Still, with eight teams I was hoping that one of them would come
good. For my sins I have won £251.25 for first place which
together with the personal prize of £67.00 makes a total of £318.25 (£397.81 with Gift Aid) all
of which I am donating to the following charities; Sir Bobby Robson Foundation,
Great North Air Ambulance, and the Salvation Army.
With the benefit of Gift Aid this will mean that
the total of £569.50 donated this year
will be worth £711.88 to the chosen
charities. This means that over the last
ten years, since I started to charge you the price of a pint for the
masochistic privilege of being abused by me, this little piece of high speed stupidity
in the name of fun has raised £4,890.00 for charity, which with Gift Aid is worth £6,112.50 to the chosen charities. Well done everyone.
My best wishes to
you and your family for a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year. I hope that you all stay dry, warm, and safe
this yuletide, and I hope to see you taking part again next year with as many
of your friends, family and colleagues as you can harangue into taking
part. If you change any of your email
addresses please send me your new email address and then I’ll be able to invite
you to take part in next season’s competition, which starts with the Australian
GP in Melbourne on 16th March 2014.
This date is going to cause me a problem as I have booked a 14 night
Caribbean cruise starting on 1st March to celebrate Lady Audrey’s 60th
21st birthday on 3rd March and the plane back home lands
in Newcastle on 16th March. Call
me an old romantic but I’m considering taking Lady Audrey with me on the
cruise. I am therefore sweating on all
of the teams announcing all of their drivers well in advance of the 2014 season
starting so that I can get the entry form out before the cruise starts and bully
encourage you all to take part again.
If you do not
receive an email from me inviting you to take part next season please put a
reminder in your diary to check the blog from the end of February next year for
details.
So, that concludes
the 2013 season. Finally, my thanks to
Sir Tim Berners-Lee for inventing the Internet, thus opening up an invaluable
resource I used for research and plagiarism, thus allowing me to invent new
ways to abuse you. I hope you have
enjoyed the experience this year and my sincere thanks to you all for your
participation.
Regards,
Lawrence.
(Alias Beast
Basher, Catch Me If You Can, Chaser Slayer, Labbett Lambaster, Series 6 Episode
45, Singing In The Rain, Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee, Turin Triumph)
