2012 - Race 1 - Australian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:
IF YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES, WHY DO SOME PEOPLE HAVE MORE THAN ONE CHILD?

USELESS FACT:

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE BUT, SADLY, IT’S NOT AVAILABLE ON PRESCRIPTION.

Welcome to the first race report of 2012, the twelfth year of our bit of high speed stupidity in aid of fun and charity.  At the time of going to press we have 145 entrants this year, and we will raise £593.50 for charities of your choice if I get all of the money in. This is slightly down on last year’s 152 entrants and reflects the on-going destruction ‘restructuring’ of Eaga.  As we had 268 entrants in 2010, before the takeover when Eaga became Carillion Energy Services (CES), this competition is a good barometer of employment levels and morale in Eaga/CES now.  At this rate, next year we’ll be back to the original number of Eaga/CES entrants we had when this bit of fun started in 2001…twelve.  The good news, however, is that while 78% of the teams entered in 2010 were from Eaga employees, that ratio has fallen to 44% this year, so the dependency upon me going round the offices bullying encouraging people to enter has fallen, and our entrants now include fun loving people in Spain, Singapore and Australia. Welcome one and all, especially those who are new to this.

In addition to the charity donations, we have 101 Dalmatians entrants with an ego larger than the Greek national debt who have also opted to try and win one of the personal prizes on offer for a top three finish at the end of the season.  Thank you for your generous support and placing your reputation and egos into my hands, thus showing that you have a sense of fun, a conscience and, if you are new to this, no idea at all about how quickly I can ruin your reputation with your colleagues.

In this Olympic year I must mention those entrants who have arms that extend to the bottom of their pockets and consequently their charitable generosity means they have donated more for charity.  The following entrants have won the following medals for outstanding generosity.

Gold Medal
Name	No. of Entries	Charity Donation
Jason Young	12	£42.00
Lawrence Connelly	8	£28.00
Silver Medal
Name	No. of Entries	Charity Donation
Graeme Stephenson	1	£19.00
Rob Morgan	1	£19.00
Nick Hindle	2	£18.00
Gareth Wales	3	£12.00
Kevin Nicol	3	£12.00
Dave Charlton (DSO)	3	£11.50
Michael Maughan	3	£10.50
Michele Young	3	£10.50
Naomi Young	3	£10.50
Paul Redmayne	3	£10.50
Malcolm Fletcher	1	£10.00
Bronze Medal
Name	No. of Entries	Charity Donation
Damian Stokoe	1	£9.00
James Hoey	2	£9.00
Kirsty Brown	2	£9.00
Steven Rogers	2	£9.00
Caroline Lewis	2	£8.00
Craig Gordon	2	£8.00
Erik Coates	2	£8.00
Marsha Graham	2	£8.00
Neil Donnelly	2	£8.00
Richie Gilbert	2	£8.00
Stephen Neild	2	£8.00
Toni Rankin	2	£8.00

We all start the season with hopes and expectations higher than Simon Cowell’s trouser waistband, but whose reputation at the end of the season will be as battered as a Mars bar in a Glasgow chippie?  The season did not get off to the most auspicious start as the HRT team was disqualified for the basic mistake of failing to go fast enough in qualifying.  Let’s hope they can get their act together for the rest of the season.

In the battle of the genders, we have 113 male and 32 female entrants.  The ratio of almost four men for every lady is considered fair by the fairer sex as they say they do the work of four men.  To prove the point, in the race the women won by 235 points to 230, thus maintaining the ladies view that men are like snowstorms; you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they’ll last.

So, at the end of the race who were the losers entrants at the bottom who are a risk to the future of the human gene pool?  Well, as a good indication most had minus scores, so are now further back than they were before we started, or, as I prefer to think of it, they’re more backward than the rest of the entrants.

In 136^th place with 25 points we have Virgin On The Impossible, the lowest placed female in the race, and it looks like the only thing she’ll win this season is sympathy…if she’s lucky.   In 137^th place with -4 points we have Erik The Elephant, who won’t be trumpeting about this.  In joint 138^th place with -6 points we have And In Last Place!, Bottom of the Barrel, and Donnelly's Danglers, an unholy trinity with their impression of the Three Horsemen of the Acropolis.  In 141^st place with -14 points we have Team Holynski showing that his luck matches his looks, and proving that Mother Nature can be a real bitch when she wants to be.  In 142^nd place with -59 points we have Last Man Standing, who is not so much standing as grovelling abjectly.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 143^rd place with -61 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, who is pleased that Government advice on avoiding alcohol for two days a week doesn’t also extend to avoiding pies for two days a week.  In 144^th place with -86 points we have Red 5 with a performance more flakey than a Greggs pasty.  Finally, in last place with -126 points we have Merlions with an amazingly bad performance, considering he spent his full £60 million budget on this team, unlike most of the teams above him which are deliberately cheap teams, picked to try and win the prize for last place.  It proves that having luck is better than having brains.

Now, who occupies our hit parade top ten?  In joint 10^th place with 423 points we have two old stagers, Martony Racing 1 and Michael Maughan who are both unaccustomed to the rarefied atmosphere they find themselves breathing here and now have delusions of adequacy.  In 9^th place with 439 points we have Eccles, a simpleton simple man whose presence here is currently denying a village an idiot.  In 8^th place with 459 points we have Sidders NDC feeling as proud as Punch…until the crocodile gets him.  In 7^th place with 468 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, a self-made man who worships his creator.  In 6^th place with 474 points we have Fletch Lives who has now successfully reached the age where people no longer view him as a hypochondriac.  In 5^th place with 482 points we have Mr Fenster, who, when he was beaten by a computer at chess found it was no match when it came to kick-boxing.  In 4^th place with 496 points we have Henry Crun, who would like to remind us all that if the world didn’t suck we’d all fall off.

Now, who occupies the podium for the first time this season and gets to taste the champagne?  In 3^rd place with 503 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok, a man who perpetually views the world through glasses…usually with whiskey in them.  In 2nd place with 548 points we have last season’s winner Erik Estrada, who doesn’t want a new TV that is controlled solely by hand movement because it would be a disaster when he’s watching adult channels.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner this race with 552 points is Neddie Seagoon, who should be feeling happy but isn’t, as scientists have successfully developed the first synthetic living cell and this has ruined his life as he now has peer pressure for the first time.  Congratulations to our winner, but before he gets carries away he should be aware that, in the twelve years this bit of fun has been running, no winner of the first race has ever won the competition.

The next race is the Malaysian GP on Sunday 25^th March, and with the potential of rain late in the race there could be some fun for the spectators.

Regards,

Lawrence.