WHY ARE FAMILIES LIKE FUDGE...MOSTLY SWEET, WITH A FEW NUTS?
USELESS FACT:
A DIPLOMAT IS SOMEONE WHO CAN TELL YOU TO GO TO HELL IN SUCH A WAY THAT YOU WILL LOOK FORWARD TO THE TRIP.While writing this report last week I was rewarded on Monday with glorious sunshine pouring through the window, a cold drink to hand, wishing I had a punka wallah to fan me gently to keep me cool. On Tuesday I enjoyed more glorious sunshine and temperatures more akin to June while I cycled 42 miles with the other Old Farts and returned knackered with a face that was redder than the Greek national debt balance sheet and in desperate need of aftersun cream. On Wednesday the sun again cracked the paving stones and ice cream and cold drinks were very welcome. Thank God I can eat at my desk! The rest of the week was also glorious and the weather here has been fantastic so far this year, unless you happen to be a farmer, in which case you’ll be feeling suicidal at the lack of rain. However, we are now in April and the weather forecast for tomorrow holds the prospect of snow, sleet, rain, and winds that will take the skin off your face due to the chill factor. Oh to be in England, now that April’s there. (Home-Thoughts, From Abroad, Robert Browning, 1812 - 1889).
In the email I issued advising that the Malaysian GP results were on the blog site I asked if anyone was offended by any of the comments I made in the Australian GP report. I regret to advise that it appears I offended no-one, so I’ll have to try harder. Here goes.
In the Battle of the Genders the ladies won again, this time by 452 points to 447, and increased their overall lead which is now 687 points to 677. This reinforces the ladies view that men are like toilets; they’re either vacant, engaged or full of crap.
So, at the end of the race, which looked like it was sponsored by Wet ‘n Wild, who drowned and who floated to the top? In joint 135th place with 357 points we have And In Last Place!, Bottom of the Barrel, and Erik The Elephant, this week’s unholy trinity and achieving something that is impossible for things with three legs…they’re unbalanced. In joint 138th place with 356 points we have Merlions continuing to perform like a drowning man in spite of his £60 million lifebelt, and See What Alcohol Does To You? who is currently ignoring Government advice and manically panic buying, although with him it’s hot pies, pasties and sausage rolls to avoid the impending imposition of 20% VAT. In 140th place with 353 points we have Colin Potts, who now has more points than hair follicles. In 141st place with 337 points we have Blast From The Past, performing just as he did before he performed his time travel feat and came back to the competition after his gap year…badly. In 142nd place with 334 points we have Black Cats F1, who proudly claims to know more about quantum physics than the working of an automobile, and can now use this as a badge of honour to prove it.
Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 143rd place with 278 points we have Team Holynski who has performed even worse than in the first race, so, as you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, evolution has obviously passed him by. In 144th place with 271 points we have Dirty Leeds, a tag associated with the football team and made immortal by Brian Clough. Finally, in last place with 261 points we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer, an appropriate name for a man who, allegedly, has a heart of stone and a face like the quarry it came from.
Now, who are our top ten? In joint 10th place with 539 points we have the awesome foursome of Hezza's Heroes 2, Martin Bell, Neddie Seagoon and Will I Get More Than 0pts In a Season?, hoping that they won’t be like the Musketeers where it was one for all and all for one…they all want to win by themselves. In 9th place with 540 points we have Do'nut Donnelly making an early bid for glory, but we all know that Do’nuts have a limited shelf life. In 8th place with 545 points we have Bazinga, almost reaching a position that she feels matches her ability. In 7th place with 551 points we have Dannielle Johnston with a performance as good as it’s got for her after six years of heartache. In 6th place with 558 points we have Toma's A Team, who claims this is pure luck as he knows nothing about Formula 1, along with many other things. In 5th place with 562 points we have Mike Banks who’s in pretty good shape for the shape he’s in. In 4th place with 565 points we have Millenium Falcon jumping to hyperspace speed faster than he jumps to conclusions.
Now, who occupies the podium and gets to shower everyone with champagne? In 3rd place with 566 points we have Mr Fenster climbing higher than his estimation of his ability again. In 2nd place with 601 points we have Mack-Aroony with a performance that isn’t half-baked. Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner this race with 604 points is X-Wing flying without autopilot and showing that the force was well and truly with him in this race.
In the overall standings I think we can already see a trend developing at the end where the occupants don’t have the sense God gave a biscuit. In 136th place with 367 points we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer gravelling grovelling around at the bottom. In 137th place with 353 points we have Erik The Elephant, who would like to confirm that he has not escaped from a circus in Cork, Ireland, but he is very familiar with corks. In 138th place with 352 points we have Donnelly's Danglers exposed gain and in danger of being cut off from the rest of the field. In joint 139th place with 351points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, who are welded together like the two halves of a ‘cut ‘n shut’ car having chosen the same lousy team. In joint 141st place with 299 points we have Last Man Standing and Red 5 with their impression of the blind leading the lame.
Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 143rd place with 295 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, whose devotion to nicotine means that his Gortex coat now breathes better than he does. In 144th place with 264 points we have Team Holynski who looks like he only uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck. Finally, still in last place with 230 points we have Merlions putting on a brave face if not putting up a fight.
In the overall race, at the end of the able reserved for those who can walk in a straight line unaided, in 10th place with 919 points we have Toma's A Team with a performance so far that is sparkling more than a dancing on Ice leotard. In 9th place with 934 points we have Bis Bravehearts, who does more for Scottish pride than their rugby team. In 8th place with 949 points we have Henry Crun who has found that experience is a wonderful thing because it enables him to recognise a mistake when he makes it again. In 7th place with 963 points we have Fletch Lives, who, now that spring has arrived, must start practicing his mountaineering skills again to attend to his vertical garden. In 6th place with 980 points we have Sidders NDC who, when he started work, thought he wanted a career; turns out he just wanted pay cheques. In 5th place with 987 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne a man so shallow a flea wouldn’t drown in him if he was a puddle. In 4th place with 1041 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok, the disgraced military idiot and plumber’s mate.
Now, who occupies the podium and gets to lift a trophy? In 3rd place with 1048 points we have Mr Fenster, who learnt via A&E that there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. Still in 2nd place with 1086 points we have Erik Estrada, whose waistline proves he didn’t fight his way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Finally, our leader with 1091 points is still Neddie Seagoon, who feels that his chances of winning are as likely as a game of Happy Families in the Ryan Giggs household.
The next race is the Chinese GP on Sunday 15th April.
Regards,
Lawrence.
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