2013 - Race 1 - Australian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:
IF YOU ARE HIT WITH A JAR OF OMEGA 3 TABLETS WILL YOU JUST SUFFER A SUPER-FISH-OIL INJURY? 

USELESS FACT:

THE ONLY TIME THE WORLD BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR IS WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM.

 

Welcome to the first race report of 2013, the thirteenth year of our bit of high speed stupidity in aid of fun and charity.  For some of you it will be unlucky thirteen and, sadly, if your team is crap, you will be unlucky time and time again when the reports come out.  At the time of going to press we have 115 teams entered this year by 64 souls with a social conscience, a sense of humour and a penchant for masochism, who have pledged £510.50 for charities to be chosen by the winners.  In 2010, before the takeover of Eaga by Carillion and renamed Carillion Energy Services (CES), we had 268 teams from 211 people, so this competition is a good barometer of employment levels and morale in Eaga/CES now.  With the further redundancies in CES that have been announced and will happen later this year, next year we could be back to the original number of Eaga/CES entrants we had when this bit of fun started in 2001…twelve.  Anyway, enough of the bad news and welcome one and all, especially those who are new to this.

In addition to the charity donations, 67 teams have also opted to pay the additional £1 to try and win one of the personal prizes on offer for a top three finish at the end of the season…the poor demented fools.  Thank you for your generous support and placing your reputation and egos into my hands, thus showing that you have a sense of fun, a conscience, and no idea at all about how quickly I can ruin your reputation with your colleagues.

Before we start I must mention those entrants whose generosity is exceeded only by their exceedingly good looks and charm.  The following entrants deserve a special mention for outstanding generosity, led by the Young clan who have again outdone themselves with their charity donations.  Naomi Young has donated £50 which she has kindly asked that I split between her and Stewart Wilson…I think she fancies him, but am reminded of Fatal Attraction.  Jason Young has donated £28 and Michele Young £10.50.  What a family!  Steve Jones, a newcomer with no understanding of what he’s let himself in for, has donated £25, Adrian Hull £14, Bill Phillips £12, and Gareth Wales £12.  Some old fart whose name escapes me for the moment has also donated £28.  Collectively these nine have entered 38 teams and donated £179.50 for charity.  Congratulations and my humble thanks to all of you on behalf of the charities that will benefit from your largesse at the end of the season.  Now, let battle commence.

We all start the season with hopes and expectations higher than the Greek national debt, but whose reputation at the end of the season will be more battered than Rhianna by her boyfriend?  With friends like him who needs enemies?

In the battle of the genders we have 87 male and 29 female entrants.  The ratio of three men to one lady is something that most of the ladies dream of on a night out, but in this race it became a nightmare as the men battered the ladies by 468 points to 422, thus maintaining their view that God invented high-heels so women could put dishes away on the top shelf.

So, at the end of the race who were the losers gallant triers at the bottom who should consider volunteering as guinea pigs for genetic engineering trials?  In 106^th place with 333 points we have Team DB returning after a sabbatical and showing that was a waste of time.  In 107^th place with 328 points we have Kerrie Goodall 2, who starts as she normally does, hoping that things can only get better.  In 108^th place with 322 points we have Claire Teuma, whose job shows she can count, but she wasn’t counting on this performance.  In 109^th place with 296 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1, reverting to her previous form and showing that, unlike a good wine, she doesn’t get better with age.  In 110^th place with 282 points we have Parking at Rascasse, who is now starting to wish that the Mayan prediction of the end of the world was true.  In 111^th place with 280 points we have Martony Racing Two, whose hopes of winning in any season are falling faster that the pound against the Euro.  In 112^th place with 263 points we have Mean Machine 00, who is in danger of losing his marbles and not just his luggage with all his globetrotting.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 113^th place with 262 points we have Baja Scoch, who is disappointed that the handle on his recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine.  In 114^th place with 257 points we have Red Bull Addict, who is worried that this shows that her phone is smarter than she is.  Finally, in last place with 252 points we have Liar, You've Got Antifreeze, who finds this as funny as in impacted wisdom tooth.

Now, who occupies our hit parade top ten?  In 10^th place with 560 points we have Chaser Slayer hoping for a repeat of David versus Goliath.  In 9^th place with 565 points we have Verbalkint, the first man in history to kidnap his own clone, proving that he likes to keep himself to himself.  In 8^th place with 569 points we have Stop Up Villa praying for a miracle in two sports.  In 7^th place with 585 points we have Houghton Bird, who sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club, but they sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.  In 6^th place with 599 points we have A Taste Of Honey with a result that tastes so sweet.  In 5^th place with 603 points we have Singing In The Rain who is soaked to the skin having wet himself with excitement.  In 4^th place with 610 points we have Labbett Lambaster who intends to live forever…so far, so good.

Now, who occupies the podium for the first time this season and gets to taste the champagne?  In 3^rd place with 612 points we have Beast Basher who once asked a friend what he could do to make him irresistible to women, but his friend said he couldn’t turn him into a credit card.  In 2^nd place with 616 points we have Peter Leatherland who is still letting his shyness stopping him getting on the top step, or that’s what he claims.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner this race with 630 points is Kerrie Goodall 1, who manages to start the season where she has dreamed of finishing the season for more years than I can safely tell you as I know she lies about her age and that would give the game away.

Congratulations to our winner, but before she gets carries away she should be aware that, in the thirteen years this bit of fun has been running, no winner of the first race has ever won the competition. 

The next race is the Malaysian GP on Sunday 24^th March, and with the potential for rain late in the race there could be some fun for the spectators.

Regards,

Lawrence.