2013 - Race 10 - Hungarian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY IS AN ALARM CLOCK GOING "OFF" WHEN IT ACTUALLY TURNS ON?

USELESS FACT:

IF YOU LEND SOMEONE £10 AND NEVER SEE THAT PERSON AGAIN IT WAS PROBABLY WORTH IT.

 

The weather this month is the opposite of how I remember July last year.  Last year I was in danger of drowning when I went out on my bike, while this year I’ve had to slap on the sun block to prevent me being burned to a cinder under unremitting blue skies while enjoying sweaty perambulations though the glorious Northumbrian countryside.  The continued spell of good weather has also resulted in lots of salads and healthy eating which has helped me achieve the target weight of 11st 7lbs I set myself after my Christmas over indulgences, and if the good weather continues the weight will, hopefully, continue to come off.  I’m rapidly becoming a shadow of my former self.  Now, whose performance in Hungary left them looking for a shadow to hide in?

In the battle of the genders the ladies remembered that they are regarded as the stronger gender and won by 486 points to 474, thus reminding the men that when God created man he somewhat overestimated his ability. In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 4715 points to 4597, thus maintaining their view that girls are like cats because they only come to see you when they want something.

So, whose holiday luggage is missing a suitcase?  In 107^th place with 346 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit whose performance this season does not promote concord or victory.  In 108^th place with 333 points we have Fellside Fools falling foul of the fates again.  In 109^th place with 327 points we have BezF1 who is now more angry and confused than Wayne Rooney.  In 110^th place with 321 points we have The Taxman's Taken All My Dough who is worried that if David Cameron gets his way he’ll have to ask his kids to unblock the porn filter.  In 111^th place with 314 points we have Pedro Leatherland whose run of five consecutive top ten finishes comes to a crashing end without the safety aid of a tyre barrier.  In 112^th place with 304 points we have Charlton's Chumps finally living down to their name.  Returning to 113^th place again with 285 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who is finding it easier to get out of his playpen than out of the bottom ten. 

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 237 points we have Stuart Gunn continuing to underperform significantly.  In 115^th place with 220 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2  who hasn’t been this disappointed with how things have turned out since saying ‘I do’ many years ago.  Finally, in last place with 216 points we have Pedro Gallagher our second team with a name that sounds slightly Mexican showing that they Mexican’t.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than a pensioner with a full set of their own teeth?  In joint 9^th place with 614 points we have the double act of Erik The Elephant and Willy Wonka, the perfect couple for a Mars mission.  In 8^th place with 617 points we have David Parkin running around like a dog chasing its tail.  In 7^th place with 631 points we have The Wise One showing there was some sense in his choice of team name, even if it has taken an eternity to show it.  In 6^th place with 640 we have Brazil or Bust, which should be the motto of Roy Hodgson’s England team.  In 5^th place with 649 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee who has been installed as the favourite for the BBC Sports Split Personality of the year award.  In 4^th place with 652 points we have A Taste Of Honey remembering what it’s like to taste success again.

Who are those on the podium glowing without the aid of a fake tan this time?  In 3^rd place with 654 points we have On the Right Track? finally living up to his name.  In 2^nd place with 678 points we have Beast Basher beating his chest like the silverback gorilla he resembles with his shirt off.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 707 points is Kerrie Goodall 1  reclaiming the pinnacle she has avoided since the opening race down under.

In the overall standings whose standing is lower than a pygmy in a trench?  Making a huge leap without the aid of a bungee rope to 107^th place with 3995 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb attempting to escape the pull of gravity.  Reappearing after a small vacation and falling to 108^th place with 3953 points we have Pedro Gallagher falling under the influence of the dark side again.  Slipping even further into the den of iniquity to 109^th place with 3931 points we have Liar, You've Got Antifreeze needing this like he needs antifreeze in a heat wave.  Rising one more place to 110^th place with 3886 points we have Martony Racing Two who couldn’t care less so long as the Sangria doesn’t run out.  Slipping again to 111^th place with 3869 points we have Mean Machine 00 behaving like an earthmoving machine and digging a deeper hole.  Dropping faster than his morale to 112^th place with 3791 points we have Stuart Gunn who is hoping for a firearms amnesty so that he can hand himself in.  Rising at last from the inverse podium of shame to 113^th place with 3750 points we have Peter Baker continuing to pray for a miracle but finding that, so far, there is no God.

Now, which triumvirate occupying the inverse podium of shame are putting the grace into disgraceful this time?  Continuing his slow, inexorable decline to 114^th place with 3727 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher looking for help but only getting Gazza with fried chicken and a fishing rod.  Slipping further into Hades in 115^th place with 3643 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 who, following news that plants can do arithmetic, is worried her Monstera Deliciosa plant is now cleverer than her.  Finally, still in last place, like the cow’s tail, with 3524 points we have Baja Scoch continuing to prove that he’s as able bodied as Oscar Pistorius.

Now, whose dreams are burning brighter than the July sunshine?  Slipping to 10^th place with 5326 points we have Evo who still has hopes higher than her miniskirt hemline.  Dropping to 9^th place with 5381 points we have Ayr Town Centre looking even less appealing than a kebab in the gutter.  Rising to 8^th place with 5390 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee, the man who puts the tramp into trampoline.  Returning to the top ten in 7^th place with 5426 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 who claims to be approaching forty, but I can’t help wondering from which direction.  Still in her favourite position of 6^th place with 5431 points we have Houghton Bird who is delighted at not being chosen as the new female face on the £10 notes as her face has cost her a lot more than that.  Down dramatically to 5^th place with 5457 points we have Peter Leatherland dropping faster than sales of snowboards in July.  Leaping to 4^th place with 5495 points we have Beast Basher, the man who puts the best into bestiality.

Now, who have delusions of grandeur this time?  In 3^rd place with 5536 points we have Paul Szomoru slipping from the peak after a brief taste of glory as he struggles to come to terms with his new found celebrity status.  Jumping to 2^nd with 5549 points we have Erik The Elephant disproving the common misconception that elephants can’t jump.  Finally, rising to the top, our leader again with 5551 points is Singing In The Rain gurgling happily like water going down the drain.

The next race is the Belgian GP on 25^th August.

Regards,

Lawrence.