2013 - Race 11 - Belgian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY IS IT CALLED A "DRIVE THROUGH" IF YOU HAVE TO STOP?

USELESS FACT:

MONEY WILL BUY A FINE DOG, BUT ONLY KINDNESS WILL MAKE HIM WAG HIS TAIL.

 

Autumn has officially arrived but the glorious summer weather continues.  The holiday season is nearly over and those with kids are looking forward to being able to pack them off the school again.  For everyone it means more traffic on the roads and longer traffic jams as teachers and other educational establishment staff return from their R&R break, and parents running their lazy offspring to school rather than make them walk and keep fit at the same time take to the roads.  In the next week I will be picking a bumper crop of plums in my garden and looking forward to a break of my own when I take Lady Audrey off to Barcelona and then a cruise for a well-deserved rest as life has been manic for us for the last five months.  For us it will be heaven.  For you it will unfortunately mean that some of the race results and reports may be a bit late. I’ll do my best but I’ll be at the mercy of the WiFi connections in our hotel and cruise ship.  Speaking of mercy, who’s hoping I’ll show some after their performance in Belgium?

In the battle of the genders the men returned from the pub to winning ways, winning by 382 points to 354, reinforcing their view that girls are like cats, they will go to whoever feeds them the most. In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 5096 points to 4951, thus maintaining their view that girls are like a McDonald’s…they’re convenient and easy but too many of them can ruin your health.

Now, whose performance in Belgium left them feeling like they’d eaten their body weight in their favourite Belgian chocolates?  In joint 106^th place with 255 points we have Chaser Slayer and Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes! a duo that look like they came from the pages of a Stephen King horror novel.  In 108^th place with 252 points we have Team Kaisha who has found that doing a handstand in the shower doesn’t turn it into a bidet.  Making her seasonal debut in 109^th place with 230 points is TiggyWiggy who has come out in sympathy with Edinburgh zoo’s pregnant panda Tian Tian by copying all the symptoms of a pregnant panda, so she is now overweight, bad tempered and bone idle.  In 110^th place with 221 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit in a position where victory is definitely not on the agenda.  Making her seasonal debut in 111^th place with 220 points we have Mackaroony who counts fruit pastilles as part of her five a day.  In 112^th place with 219 points we have Nicks Numpties returning after a period out of the spotlight that lasted longer than even he could have hoped.  Returning to the bowels of the earth in 113^th place with 199 points we have Larry's Shirt which looks like it came out of the bowels of something horrible.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 189 points we have Mark Thompson who is attending yoga classes to perfect his grovelling position.  In 115^th place with 166 points we have ROM whose sense of humour is more twisted than Fusilli pasta. 

Finally, in last place with 156 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 with the unique distinction of being the first team in the history of this competition to be first then last in consecutive races.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than a miser who’s found a pound?  In joint 9^th place with 491 points we have the double act of Mickey's Motor and Oh You Went To Eton, as unlikely a couple as Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.  In 8^th place with 492 points we have Virgin On The Impossible who wants to study cosmetic surgery so she re-took her ‘A’ levels this year hoping to turn her 2 A’s into double D’s.  In 7^th place with 498 points we have Donnelly's Danglers who would like to study entomology and was delighted when his ‘A’ level results showed he’d got 2 B’s.  In 6^th place with 512 we have Robbies Banger Racing who got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool recently…the lifeguard yelled at him so loud, he almost fell in.  In 5^th place with 523 points we have Ayr Town Centre continuing to confound logic and medical science.  In 4^th place with 526 points we have Stop Up Villa performing as well as his beloved Aston Villa have so far this season, but it’s early days yet.

Who are those on the podium glowing like a Fukishima power station worker this time?  In 3^rd place with 530 points we have Pedro Leatherland returning to form and his sixth top ten finish in the last seven races…greedy begger.  In 2^nd place with 532 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee who continues to wear his mask for health and safety reasons…he doesn’t want to scare children and animals.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 534 points is, once again, Peter Leatherland with his third race win this season, which shows that he’s either good or a champagne addict desperate for a drink.

In the overall standings whose standing is lower than a submariner on the bottom of the Atlantic?  Falling back into bad habits again in 107^th place with 4303 points we have Larry's Shirt continuing to perform far less spectacularly than the real thing.  Climbing one place to 108^th place with 4263 points we have Liar, You've Got Antifreeze who is grateful to take whatever improvement he can get.  Continuing to slip even further into the den of iniquity to 109^th place with 4243 points we have Pedro Gallagher who is now such a basket case that even the German’s wouldn’t bail him out.  Remaining static in 110^th place with 4230 points we still have Martony Racing Two who may be an old salt dog but he has the stomach of a concrete elephant.  Statuesque in 111^th place with 4227 points we have Mean Machine 00 continuing his slow decline into oblivion, much like the Nintendo games console.  Immobile in 112^th place with 4128 points we have Stuart Gunn whose ‘A’ level results must surely have been DUD.  Rising from the inverse podium of shame to 113^th place with 4103 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who wishes that he learned to walk sooner so that he could have got out earlier.

Now, which triumvirate are occupying the inverse podium of shame now?  Descending to 114^th place with 4060 points we have Peter Baker returning for more opprobrium.  Still in 115^th place with 4021 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 who is stuck here faster than if she’d used superglue.  Finally, still in last place, with 3823 points we have Baja Scoch who has less chance of getting out of here than the USA and Russia have of agreeing what action to take over Syria.

Now, whose dreams are burning brighter than the hopes of Jose Mourinho?  Rising to 10^th place with 5772 points we have Turin Triumph hoping for a late surge here, and also in his life.  Jumping to 9^th place with 5789 points we have Stop Up Villa copying the football team and performing higher than they have a right to.  Rising to 8^th place with 5796 points we have Pedro Leatherland returning to the battle for supremacy of the peak.  Slipping to 7^th place with 5886 points we have Houghton Bird who may be a weak and feeble female but she can drink more than a thirsty camel.  Rising to 6^th place with 5904 points we have Ayr Town Centre which now looks like a candidate for the Stirling Prize. Soaring like a salmon to 5^th place with 5922 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee leaping on his horse whistling the William Tell overture…he’s whistling, not his horse.

Now, who have delusions of grandeur this time?  In joint 3^rd place with 5950 points we have Erik The Elephant and Paul Szomoru who are arguing over who has right of way, the elephant dropping or Paul rising.  Returning to 2^nd place with 5991 points we have Peter Leatherland sharpening his axe as he smells blood and hopes it’s no his own.  Finally, still our leader with 6036 points is Singing In The Rain who is starting to believe that there is a God as there is no other way to explain how he is still leading.

The next race is the Italian GP on 8^th September.

Regards,

Lawrence.