2014 - Race 1 - Australian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

DID NOAH KEEP HIS BEES IN ARCHIVES?

USELESS FACT:

THE LONGEST ONE-SYLLABLE WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS “SCREECHED.”

 

Welcome to the first race report of 2014, the fourteenth year of our bit of high speed stupidity in aid of fun and charity.  At the time of going to press we have 93 teams entered this year by 50 souls with a social conscience, a sense of humour and a penchant for masochism, who have pledged £437.00 for charities to be chosen by the winners.  As you can tell from the numbers this year the vast majority of entrants volunteered to pay more than the minimum entry fee, with most of the men doing this by entering multiple teams.  The fact that most of the men entered multiple teams rather than donate more for one team shows that the comparison between the entry fee and the price of a pint obviously struck a nerve with some of the men who must have felt they were giving up a chance to quench their thirst if they donated more.  My thanks to everyone for your generosity.

In addition to the charity donations, 30 teams have also opted to pay the additional £1 to try and win one of the personal prizes on offer for a top three finish at the end of the season…the poor demented fools.  Thank you for your generous support and placing your reputation and egos into my hands, thus showing that you have a sense of fun, a social conscience, and no idea at all about how quickly I can ruin your reputation with your colleagues.

Before we start I must mention the following entrants whose generosity is exceeded only by their exceedingly good looks, charm and lack of hair in most cases; Adrian Hull, Bill Phillips, Jason Young, Jon Symonds, Kevin Nicol, Lawrence Connelly, Marty Lawrence, Michael Maughan, Naomi Young, Steve Jones and Stewart Wilson.  Collectively these eleven have entered 40 teams and donated £201.00 for charity.  Congratulations and my humble thanks to all of you on behalf of the charities that will benefit from your largesse at the end of the season.  Now, let battle commence.

We all start the season with hopes and expectations high, but whose reputation at the end of the season will be more battered than that of David Moyles by blinkered Manchester United fans?

NOTE:

The scores and positions given below may change depending on the outcome of the appeal by Red Bull against the exclusion/disqualification of Daniel Ricciardo from second place after the conclusion of the race.  If the appeal is successful I will correct the scores and positions accordingly but I will not re-write the report.  If the appeal is successful and you are wrongly insulted accused below and you want a retraction you will need to go to the European Court of Human Rights.

In the battle of the genders we have 74 male and 19 female entrants.  The ratio of four men to one lady is higher than the winning margin as the men squeezed past the ladies by the narrowest possible margin, 432 points to 431, but, as the men maintain, size doesn’t matter, just coming first, especially in a two horse race.

Now, in the race who were the gallant triers at the bottom feeling as abandoned as a Ukrainian in the Crimea?  In joint 83^rd place with 143 points we have Do'nut Donnelly and Stop Up Villa, the ugliest duo since the Krankies.  In joint 85^th place with 141 points we have Team Mackarel and Zabaleta is a Manc with their impression of Burke and Hare.  In 87^th place with 141 points we have SOHO who is now at an age when he fears the Manopause.  In 88^th place with 105 points we have Ticketyboo Guess Who, who recently completed a full Marathon – he refuses to call them Snickers preferring their old name.  In 89^th place with 103 points we have 203020 who puts the idle into unbridled.  In 90^th place with 82 points we have Baja Scoch 3 who shows us that old habits die hard as he starts where he left off last season…disgracefully.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91^st place with 77 points we have Luck of the Irish who needs some if this is a taste of what’s to come.  In 92^nd place with 75 points we have Nandrolone who needs an injection of steroids to boost his performance.  In 93^rd and last place with 48 points we have the almost perfectly named Bottom of the Barrel +1 who gets his position out by one.

Now, who occupies our hit parade top ten?  In joint 10^th place with 534 points we have Virgin On The Impossible and I'm The Taxman, two people looking to screw someone else for different reasons.  In 9^th place with 538 points we have Nicks Numpties who is delighted at the invention of 3D printers as he can now get a backbone.  In 8^th place with 558 points we have Evo who dreads middle age as she realises that having a mammogram is the only time someone will ask her to be topless.  In 7^th place with 565 points we have I Love Beer trying to prove that Dyslexics Have More nuf.  In 6^th place with 571 points we have Nurse Judy, whose husband recently suggested that they spend an evening playing doctors and nurses while the kids were out, so she put him on a trolley and left him in the corridor for four hours.  In 5^th place with 578 points we have Debbie Does Dallas who has mentioned to her insignificant other that a new study has found that woman with large bums live longer than men who mention it.  In 4^th place with 583 points we have The Don looking for a horse’s head like others look for insurance.

Now, who occupies the podium for the first time this season and gets to taste the champagne?  In 3^rd place with 590 points we have Bad Hat Harry who always keeps his words soft and sweet, just in case he has to eat them.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our joint winners this race with 634 points are Kaiser and Mr Kobyashi, a result that does nothing for his schizophrenia as both teams belong to the same entrant, as do the top four teams.  His mother obviously never told him it’s bad manners to be greedy.

Congratulations to our winner, but before he gets carries away he should be aware that, in the fourteen years this bit of fun has been running, no winner of the first race has ever won the competition.

The next race is the Malaysian GP on Sunday 30^th March, and with the potential for rain in the race there could be some fun for the spectators.

Regards,

Lawrence.