2014 - Race 5 - Spanish GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A "CIVIL" WAR?

USELESS FACT:

WAYNE ROONEY'S VOICEMAIL PASSWORD WAS STELLA ARTOIS.

 

On my return on Thursday 8^th May from the cycling holiday in Spain I had with a dozen other riders from our club, I had the unexpected pleasure of sitting beside a guy called Peter Craig on the flight from Barcelona.  It turned out that he has a great job.  He sprays the company logos, road markings, etc. on the F1 circuits using non-slip acrylic paint. When I asked how the logos are so accurate when you can't see what you're spraying in total because it is so big and you're standing on top of it he  said they are all laid out using GPS and circuit plans with the GPS coordinates on them that cost about £1,000 each.  He’d been in Barcelona to prepare the Circuit de Catalonia for the Spanish GP and was going home to Haltwhistle, Northumberland before going to Glasgow to lay some resin markings for the Commonwealth Games over the weekend, and then flying back to Barcelona on Monday to return the Circuit de Catalonia to its normal state.

 

It was fascinating talking to him about his job and the shenanigans of F1 and the circuit owners.  For example, F1 will not allow the name Circuit de Catalonia to be shown on TV because it is the Spanish GP and the Spanish government do not want to publicise Catalonia as the Catalans want independence from Spain.  Hence, the circuit name was over-painted, mainly with Pirelli corporate logos, and the Circuit de Catalonia name will be reinstated after the race.

He showed me a lot of photos he had on his iPad of circuits he’s worked on, including Silverstone, Abu Dhabi, Bahrain, Singapore, Austria, and Austin, Texas.  The Circuit of the Americas track in Austin, Texas was brand new last year and it took them six weeks to mark out and paint 60,000 square metres of track marking, kerbs, run-off areas, sponsors logos, etc.  The paint, when delivered, filled two articulated lorries.  The photos they took from a helicopter of the finished circuit looked fantastic with stars and stripes and flames in the run-off areas.  When Bernie Ecclestone turned up he said that the stars and stripes and flames in the run-off areas did not fit with the corporate sponsor logos and instructed them all to be over-painted in red.  As it was the first American GP at the venue the owners had to agree, but they weren’t happy, nor was Peter as it looked fantastic.  I believe Bernie has now agreed to allow the stars and stripes to remain for this year’s race.

As impressive for their speed and efficiency is the Singapore GP.  The circuit is a street circuit of normal roads around the harbour which are closed on the Wednesday before the GP and an army of workers descends on the roads laying new tarmac to form the kerbs and repair any damage to the roads.  The normal road markings are obliterated where necessary and the race markings, etc. are all sprayed and the track is ready for race practice by Friday morning.  After the race is finished the workers descend again ripping up the kerbs and putting the roads back into their normal condition before the road markings are replaced and the roads are ready for the rush hour on Monday.  Amazing...it takes months to get a pothole repaired here. 

So, who reigned in Spain and whose parade got rained on?  In the battle of the genders the men spanked the ladies again by 544 points to 491.  In the overall battle the men’s lead is now growing faster than the Greek national debt and currently stands at 2,228 points to 2,135, thus reinforcing the men’s view that ladies are like politicians at elections…they talk a lot and never deliver what they promise.

Now, whose performance in Spain left them feeling as bullied as Gibralter?  In 84^th place with 411 points we have Dannielle Johnston rousing herself from her slumbers and wishing she’s stayed asleep.  In 85^th place with 409 points we have C'est la Vie who shrugs her shoulders in a resigned Gallic manner while she thinks about doing something typically French to correct this, like going on strike.  In 86^th place with 408 points we have McLaren All The Way dropping to a new low, like a limbo dancer chasing a personal best.  In 87^th place with 403 points we have Honey Monster who has put on the pounds and consequently slowed down a lot from last season.  In 88^th place with 400 points we have La Dolce Vita who is experiencing anything but the good life.  In 89^th place again with 377 points we have On the Right Track who looks like he’s working to an old British Rail timetable and arriving late as usual.  In 90^th place with 372 points we have Team JB, our Welsh wizard performing more like Dobby than Harry Potter.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91st place with 347 points we have Team Tuna making her debut with a performance that smells like a tuna that’s been left out in the sun too long.  Rising to 92^nd place, just evading a last place hat-trick of ignominy, with 334 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust struggling like a camel in a blizzard.  In 93^rd and last place with 197 points we have Hezza's Hero's sinking to a new low this season, and possibly not for the last time.

Our top ten this time is the same as the last race but just rearranged a little bit, so a pattern is emerging here.  In joint 10^th place with 649 points we have Stig Of The Dump humming his favourite tune, instead of just humming as usual.  In 9^th place with 650 points we have Hadley GP pretending to be a doctor in his latest attempt to get young ladies to disrobe.  In 8^th place with 671 points we have Thor's Hammer banging on again about the size of his thumper.  In 7^th place with 679 points we have Bad Hat Harry wearing a top hat to show where his intentions lie.  In joint 5^th place with 683 points we have Breaking Down Bad and Evo, a couple who embrace each other as David Cameron embraces Ed Miliband…by the throat.  In 4^th place with 689 points we have Fellside Fools continuing to defy logic and medical science.  In 3^rd place with 700 points we have Deb's Delights who rates this just behind chocolate for making her feel good.  In 2^nd place with 713 points we have Glutæus Maximus with his fourth consecutive podium finish and shaking it like Beyoncé.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner again with 735 points is Titan Uranus feeling so good he could go into orbit.

In the overall standings the inmates occupying the cells at the bottom have all been here before, one permanently.  Falling to 84^th place with 1757 points we have Ticketyboo Guess Who losing points faster than he can lose weight.  In 85^th place with 1744 points we have Why F1 When You Can F2? who hopes to learn the rest of the alphabet soon.  Rising to 86^th place with 1698 points we have Team Mackarel starting what she hopes will be the great escape to get out of the bottom ten for the first time.  Dropping to 87^th place with 1694 points we have Claire Teuma continuing to drag alone at the bottom like a trawler net.  Rising to 88^th place with 1646 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins who would now like to change his Marty Robins record choice to the follow-up called “Don’t Worry.”  Dropping to 89^th place with 1621 points we have On the Right Track…he wishes.  Rising to 90^th place with 1434 points we have Do'nut Donnelly who is delighted that summer has finally arrived as the things he loves most about hot weather are the short skirts and low cut tops.... although they do make him look a bit gay.

Our inverse podium of shame is slightly changed, so it looks like our foundation for the season is being established early.  Falling to 91^st place with 1340 points we have Hezza's Hero's losing the will to live faster than UKIP claims rising immigrant levels.  Stuck in 92^nd place with 1326 points we have FlippersDivers V1 looking like a drowning man in desperate need of a lifebelt.  Still in 93^rd and last place with 1126 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust continuing to suffer more pain than my bum did after a week in the saddle in Spain.

Who are vying to be the star on the top of the tree?  In 10^th place with 2920 points we have Debbie Does Dallas who likes to re-enact her favourite movie – Missionary Impossible.  Slipping to 9^th place with 2933 points we have Stig Of The Dump smelling of roses instead of the manure used to feed them.  Rising to 8th place with 2935 points we have Bad Hat Harry looking up and dreaming of a crown.  Dropping to 7^th place with 2977 points we have Mr Kobyashi pulling his fingernails out in an act of self-punishment.  Continuing his climb in 6^th place with 2978 points we have Breaking Down Bad waiting for the withdrawal symptoms that he feels will come soon.  Rising again to 5^th place with 2996 points we have Thor's Hammer striking while the iron is hot, hot being a word that does not describe him.  Slipping off the podium to 4^th place with 3023 points we have Kaiser threatening a blitzkrieg to win back the positions taken from him.

As with the inverse podium, our leading podium positions are changed slightly.  Climbing onto the podium for the first time in 3^rd place with 3086 points we have Titan Uranus continuing his upward climb, like rising damp.  In 2^nd place with 3148 points we have Evo slipping slightly and looking over her shoulder, but not in the sultry manner she normally employs when being chased by boys.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our leader with 3281 points is still Glutæus Maximus, who has learnt that money isn’t everything in life, but it does keep the kids in touch.

The next race is the Monaco GP on Sunday 25^th May.  Sadly I will not be watching this from a luxury yacht in the harbour in Monte Carlo.

Regards,

Lawrence.