2014 - Race 6 - Monaco GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

DOES SLEEPING WITH A SCHIZOPHRENIC COUNT AS GROUP SEX?

USELESS FACT:

IN THE SCOTTISH HEBRIDES, AN ISLAND IS DEFINED AS BEING AN ISLAND ONLY IF IT IS BIG ENOUGH TO SUSTAIN 1 SHEEP.

 

My cycling holiday in Spain last month  is now a distant memory as Audrey and I have spent the last few weeks visiting her father, Tony, in hospital twice a day since he was admitted as a 999 emergency case.  We didn’t expect him to survive the day but the NHS response was brilliant, the hospital staff worked wonders and, thankfully, he was able to leave hospital for his 90^th birthday on Sunday 1^st June, while his wife, Olive, celebrated her 90^th birthday two weeks earlier while Tony was in hospital.  Sadly Tony was re-admitted to hospital five days after being initially discharged and remains there still.  If this report is a little short on humour please forgive me as the hospital visiting means I haven’t been able to devote as much time as I normally do in my efforts to tickle your funny bone.  Anyway, whose gamble in Monaco came off and whose became a losing bet?

In the battle of the genders the ladies ripped the trousers off the men leaving their shortcomings on view as they trounced them by 519 points to 468.  In the overall battle the men’s lead has now shrunk more than their manhood in an ice bath and currently stands at 2,696 points to 2,654.

Now, whose performance in Monaco left them feeling like they’d lost their shirt at the casino?  In 84^th place with 309 points we have Baja Scoch 3 showing that pathetic is in his genes as it’s not confined to just one of his teams.  In 85^th place with 300 points we have Pie Axe whose team name accurately describes his usual lunch and eating tools.  In 86^th place with 288 points we have Claire Teuma continuing to relive her student days as she remains faithful to her motto of “Yeah, whatever.”   In 88^th place with 260 points we have Hugh Janus proving that he really is an arse.  In 89^th place again with 253 points we have Team Mackarel who has already exhausted my repertoire of fish jokes and puns…if you think of any new one’s please let minnow.  In 90^th place with 246 points we have Fraser's Faster, but not at anything that will advance the human race.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91st place with 241 points we have Erik Estrada, the man who puts the OBE into obesity.  Rising to 92^nd place, just evading a last place hat-trick of ignominy, with 208 points we have Do'nut Donnelly hoping for a quicker turn around in fortune than Nick Clegg.  In 93^rd and last place with 198 points we have FlippersDivers V1 bombing out faster than a Doodlebug.

Our top ten this time is a familiar recipe with a couple of new ingredients for added spice.  In 10^th place with 620 points we have Debbie Does Dallas, whose better half wishes that Debbie does dishes.  In 9^th place with 643 points we have Jenson's Buttons showing that she’s not all fingers and thumbs as she ties up her best performance of the season.  In 8^th place with 655 points we have Gunn Metal firing on all cylinders.  In 7^th place with 663 points we have Antenociticus reappearing like a mud flat at low tide, and just as appealing.  In 6^th place with 666 points we have Mustang Sally finally making an appearance at the top end of the table.  In 5^th place with 675 points we have Thor's Hammer continuing to make a noise.  In 4^th place with 687 points we have Deb's Delights continuing to confound common sense.  In 3^rd place with 688 points we have Stig Of The Dump still rising higher than the smell around him.  In 2^nd place with his third consecutive podium finish and 723 points we have Glutæus Maximus blowing smoke, well that’s what he claims it is.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner again with 760 points is Evo refusing to give up without a fight, but she doesn’t need an excuse for a good fight.

In the overall standings while some of the inmates occupying the cells at the bottom have been here before, we have a complete change from the last race.  Falling to 84^th place with 2114 points we have Erik Estrada, who when he’s dressed to go out looks like a work of art…Tracey Emin’s unmade bed.  In 85^th place with 2061 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 continuing to get the rewards for his inept team selection.  Rising to 86^th place with 2058 points we have On the Right Track still looking for the track so that he can get on it.  Stationary in 87^th place with 1982 points we have Claire Teuma, whose name is an anagram of A Curate Mile, which describes how far behind she is now.  Rising to 88^th place with 1957 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins, whose name is an anagram of Spryly Monitors A Babe which discloses his secret hobby.  Dropping to 89^th place with 1951 points we have Team Mackarel whose name is an anagram of A Camel Market, which might be where she got her team.  Rising to 90^th place with 1796 points we have Hezza's Hero's an anagram of whose name makes no sense at all, much like her team.

Our inverse podium of shame occupants are familiar with this territory.  Falling to 91^st place with 1642 points we have Do'nut Donnelly showing all the steely resolve of a poker without the occasional warmth.  Stuck in 92^nd place with 1524 points we have FlippersDivers V1 rapidly losing the will to live.  Still anchored in 93^rd and last place with 1497 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust failing to follow the same guidelines for this competition as Qatar did for the World Cup bidding process.

Who is at the top of the tree harbouring the same hopes as England do at the World Cup?  Dropping to 10^th place with 3399 points we have Bad Hat Harry in need of a hard hat to deflect the flak coming his way.  Rising to 9^th place with 3447 points we have Deb's Delights having a double entry for the first time.  Slipping to 8^th place with 3485 points we have Mr Kobyashi continuing his slow decline, like the Lib Dems.  Retreating to 7^th place with 3487 points we have Kaiser making a dash for the back.  Roaring up to 6^th place with 3540 points we have Debbie Does Dallas, and what she lacks in style she makes up for with vigour.  In 5^th place with 3605 points we have Titan Uranus dropping off the podium and landing on his derriere.  Rocketing up to 4^th place with 3621 points we have Stig Of The Dump¸ whose name is an anagram of his favourite confectionary, Moth Spit Fudge.

As with the inverse podium, our leading podium positions are changed slightly.  Climbing onto the podium for the first time in 3^rd place with 3671 points we have Thor's Hammer knocking noisily on the door.  Still in 2^nd place with 3908 points we have Evo looking for some spark to boost her higher.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our leader with 4004 points is still Glutæus Maximus who spent two hours in the beauty salon last week, and that was just to get the estimate.

The next race is the Canadian GP on Sunday 8^th June.

Regards,

Lawrence.