2014 - Race 16 - Russian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

USELESS FACT:

IF YOU LIKE TO MAKE LOVE TO MUSIC ALWAYS DO IT TO A LIVE ALBUM. THAT WAY YOU’LL GET A ROUND OF APPLAUSE EVERY THREE OR FOUR MINUTES.

Welcome back. Now, where were we? Oh yes. I last had the opportunity to vent my pent up frustration on entrants some five months and 10 races ago after the Monaco GP. I have a whole load of frustration to unload now, but none of it relates to the NHS. If you believe what you read in the papers from unions, politicians, etc., the NHS is a broken system. My experience over the last five months is the opposite; the NHS is magnificent. At no stage in the treatment of my late father-in-law, Tony, and my mother-in-law, Olive, did I have anything but admiration for the NHS and its staff. We had very prompt service at all stages from all of the staff in various hospitals and medical facilities. All of the NHS staff we encountered, from consultants, doctors, nurses to auxiliary staff, and all of the staff in the care home Tony was in for six weeks, were knowledgeable, prompt, helpful and sensitive, and always with a smile whenever possible and appropriate. Yes they worked hard, but there was never a single complaint from any of them. The experience of all the other visitors I spoke to in my many hospital visits was also the same, so something must be going right in the NHS.

Anyway, which gamble in Sochi paid off and which turned out to be a losing shot at Russian roulette? In the battle of the genders the men carried on as they have most of this season by having their way again, winning by 402 points to 351, thus extending their overall lead to 7038 points to 6833 and

In 84^th place with 261 points we have In Trouble Again failing to live up to his name as this is the first time he’s descended into the jaws of hell.  In 85^th place with 259 points we have Mean Machine 00 appearing for the second time this season, just like the number of lunar eclipses this year.  In 86^th place with 255 points we have Hezza's Hero's who have sadly been here far too often for her sanity.  In 87^th place with 240 points we have Zabaleta is a Manc performing worse than City at the moment, if that’s possible. In 88^th place again with 231 points we have I Love Beer Too going so slow it looks like beer comes a poor second to chocolate with him.  In 89^th place again with 205 points we have La Dolce Vita living the low life and not the high life.  In 90^th place with 200 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb with a performance as bullet proof as Tesco’s annual profits figures.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91st place with 197 points we have Hugh Janus  In 92^nd place with 195 points we have Team Mackarel, but I need more time to think of a bad fish pun so I’ll have to mullet over.  In 93^rd and last place with 187 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 aspiring to achieve such a position.

Our top ten this time looks like an old photo with curly corners of a school class reunion.  In 10^th place with 529 points we have Fellside Fools not looking as foolish as his dress sense.  In 9^th place with 530 points we have Titan Uranus going backwards without reversing sensors.  In 8^th place with 538 points we have Baja Scoch suffering from an anxiety attack as he now has more appearances in the top ten this season than he’s achieved in all his previous seasons combined…or so it appears.  In 7^th place with 543 points we have Henry's Cars beating his Dad, and that’s 12years before he becomes a teenager and feels he’s invincible and can do it regularly.  In 6^th place with 544 points we have Stig Of The Dump trying to stay composed rather than decompose as normal.  In 5^th place with 557 points we have Breaking Down Bad hoping to get at least this high again before the end of the season and gate crash the overall podium.  In 4^th place with 559 points we have Nicks Numpties having his best run of results ever and facing a drug test for the use of illegal stimulants.  In 3^rd place with 603 points we have Baja Scoch 2 continuing to beat his first team regularly and break the habits of a lifetime by appearing at the top end of the table for a change.  In 2^nd place with 612 points we have The Don making another rare appearance and hoping to make an offer we can’t refuse.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner for the fourth time this season with 643 points is Bad Hat Harry tipping his hat to the defeated like a Roman emperor giving the thumbs down.

In the overall standings some of the inmates occupying the cells at the bottom are serving a life sentence without remission.  Falling to 84^th place with 5597 points we have On the Right Track putting on a brave face, but, sadly, it’s still ugly.  In 85^th place with 5563 points we have Hugh Janus squatting like a Hippo in a puddle.  Rising to 86^th place with 5520 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins who has spent more time this season being crapped on than a Glastonbury portaloo.  Stationary in 87^th place with 5519 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 with the +1 representing the number of active brain cells he used to pick his team.  Rising to 88^th place with 5269 points we have Do'nut Donnelly with the hole in the middle of his do’nut representating of the number of active brain cells he still uses today.  Dropping to 89^th place with 5261 points we have La Dolce Vita putting the vita into inevitable, which describes her continued descent towards the bottom.  Rising to 90^th place with 5184 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust with bust looking like the winner there..

Our inverse podium of shame occupants are familiar with this territory.  Falling to 91^st place with 5121 points we have Team Mackarel whose hopes for this season have now been scaled down.  Stuck in 92^nd place with 5013 points we have Hezza's Hero's who deserves a medal for sacrificing herself for the good of others.  Still anchored in 93^rd and last place with 4598 points we have FlippersDivers V1 who, on his performance this season, I wouldn’t trust to sit the correct way round on a toilet.

Who is at the top of the tree harbouring the same hopes as Nigel Farage has for the election next May?  Dropping to 10^th place with 8804 points we have Debbie Does Dallas going down faster than…well.  Rising to 9^th place with 8815 points we have Thor's Hammer making the same impact as UKIP have on the political scene recently.  Slipping to 8^th place with 8968 points we have Stig Of The Dump slowly collapsing like the height of a compost heap as it decomposes.  Still stuck in 7^th place with 8991 points we have Kaiser finding it harder to make progress than the Pope on the subject of homosexuality.  Roaring up to 6^th place with 8996 points we have Deb's Delights doing cartwheels and hoping she’s got her knickers on.  In 5^th place with 9079 points we have Titan Uranus straining every muscle to try and blow the opposition away.  Shooting up to 4^th place with 9097 points we have Breaking Down Bad, with ‘shooting up’ being an appropriate description of the movement for a team name associated with drug dealing.

As with the inverse podium, our leading podium positions are changed slightly.  Climbing laboriously onto the podium for the first time in 3^rd place with 9100 points we have Bad Hat Harry using his considerable girth to try and force the others off the podium. Still stuck in 2^nd place with 9118 points we have Evo who has been stuck here since race 3 and has used her time trying to implement her strategy to take the top spot but has failed because she can’t find an affordable hit man.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our leader with 9552 points is still Glutæus Maximus who has been here since race 2 and is proving harder to remove than a revenge porn video on the internet.

The next race is the USA GP on Sunday 8^th November.

Regards,

Lawrence.

2014 - Race 16 - Russian GP Results

The points scored by each driver, chassis, and engine, and the points scored by each team entered were as follows.

Russian GP		V e t t e l	R I c c I a r d o	A l o n s o	R ä I k k ö n e n	G r o s j e a n	M a l d o n a d o	B u t t o n	M a g n u s s e n	H a m I l t o n	R o s b e r g	M a s s a	B o t t a s	S u t I l	G u t I e r r e z	H u l k e n b e r g	P e r e z	V e r g n e	K v y a t	K o b a y a s h i	E r I c s s o n	B I a n c h i	C h I l t o n
Race Results	Race Finish Position	8	7	6	9	17	18	4	5	1	2	11	3	16	15	12	10	13	14		19
	Starting Grid Position	10	6	7	8	15	21	4	11	1	2	18	3	14	13	17	12	9	5	19	16		20
	Fastest Race Lap												Y
	No. Completed Laps	53	53	53	53	52	52	53	53	53	53	53	53	52	52	53	53	53	52	21	51		9
	Disqualified?
	No. Stop/Go Penalties
Driver Points Scored	Race Finish Position	15	20	25	10			40	30	75	60		50				5
	Starting Grid Position	12	16	15	14	7	1	18	11	30	20	4	19	8	9	5	10	13	17	3	6		2
	Grid - Race Movement	4	-2	2	-2	-4	6	0	12	0	0	14	0	-4	-4	10	4	-8	-18		-6
	Fastest Lap												10
	No. Completed Laps	53	53	53	53	52	52	53	53	53	53	53	53	52	52	53	53	53	52	21	51		9
	Disqualified Penalty
	Retirement Penalty																			-50			-50
	Stop/Go Penalties
Total Driver Score		84	87	95	75	55	59	111	106	158	133	71	132	56	57	68	72	58	51	-26	51	45	-39
Chassis Points Scored	No. Completed Laps	53	53	53	53	52	52	53	53	53	53	53	53	52	52	53	53	53	52	21	51		9
	Retirement Penalty																			-25			-25
Total Chassis Score		53	53	53	53	52	52	53	53	53	53	53	53	52	52	53	53	53	52	-4	51	41	-16
Engine Points Scored	Race Finish Position	15	20	25	10			40	30	75	60		50				5
	Starting Grid Position	12	16	15	14	7	1	18	11	30	20	4	19	8	9	5	10	13	17	3	6		2
	Retirement Penalty																			-20			-20
Total Engine Score		27	36	40	24	7	1	58	41	105	80	4	69	8	9	5	15	13	17	-17	6	1	-18

Race Result				Overall Position
Name	Race Total	Race Position		Name	Overall Total	Overall Position
Bad Hat Harry	643	1		Glutæus Maximus	9552	1
The Don	612	2		Evo	9118	2
Baja Scoch 2	603	3		Bad Hat Harry	9100	3
Nicks Numpties	559	4		Breaking Down Bad	9097	4
Breaking Down Bad	557	5		Titan Uranus	9079	5
Stig Of The Dump	544	6		Deb's Delights	8996	6
Henry's Cars	543	7		Kaiser	8991	7
Baja Scoch	538	8		Stig Of The Dump	8968	8
Titan Uranus	530	9		Thor's Hammer	8815	9
Fellside Fools	529	10		Debbie Does Dallas	8804	10
Glutæus Maximus	519	11		Mr Kobyashi	8702	11
I'm The Taxman	519	11		The Don	8527	12
Bring Back Kinnear	511	13		Hadley GP	8520	13
Fraser's Faster	510	14		Nicks Numpties	8481	14
Evo	498	15		Bona Eventui	8251	15
Mr Kobyashi	493	16		Antenociticus	8176	16
Kaiser	488	17		Henry's Cars	8100	17
Hadley GP	487	18		Baja Scoch 2	8068	18
Donnelly's Danglers	475	19		Nurse Judy	7881	19
Thor's Hammer	467	20		Taranis	7880	20
Whickham Racers	464	21		Fellside Fools	7843	21
Deb's Delights	461	22		Erik The Elephant	7824	22
Virgin On The Impossible	458	23		Baja Scoch	7713	23
Nurse Judy	457	24		Aussie Grit	7710	24
Debbie Does Dallas	453	25		Nandrolone	7641	25
Erik The Elephant	452	26		Cockand Bull	7624	26
Cockand Bull	445	27		Fury	7438	27
McLaren All The Way	431	28		Bill's No Hopers	7407	28
Milton De Silva	431	28		Honey, Honey	7366	29
Charlie Johnston	428	30		I'm The Taxman	7310	30
203020	426	31		Whickham Racers	7305	31
Baja Scoch 3	419	32		Mustang Sally	7298	32
FlippersDivers	419	32		Team Mitch	7275	33
Honey, Honey	419	32		David Parkin	7274	34
F1HFH 2014	418	35		Kyalami Racing	7212	35
Wild Thyme	412	36		FlippersDivers	7198	36
Fury	410	37		F1HFH 2014	7175	37
Mercedes AMG	406	38		It Just Sounds Wrong	7167	38
Taranis	403	39		Milton De Silva	7121	39
Houghton Bird	401	40		Gunn Metal	7087	40
Nandrolone	400	41		Luck of the Irish	7065	41
Dannielle Johnston	398	42		Charlie Johnston	7044	42
Bona Eventui	396	43		Jenson's Buttons	7037	43
Antenociticus	395	44		Virgin On The Impossible	7004	44
Mustang Sally	395	44		Chilling Gus	6968	45
Fletch Lives	391	46		Mercedes AMG	6959	46
It Just Sounds Wrong	389	47		Bring Back Kinnear	6940	47
Erik Estrada	387	48		Donnelly's Danglers	6926	48
SOHO	384	49		Robbies Banger Racing	6922	49
Bill's No Hopers	379	50		Wild Thyme	6902	50
Gunn Metal	378	51		Smoke Tabs, Drink Beer, Talk Shite	6838	51
Aussie Grit	376	52		Fraser's Faster	6832	52
David Parkin	375	53		Dannielle Johnston	6771	53
Robbies Banger Racing	374	54		Fletch Lives	6763	54
Smoke Tabs, Drink Beer, Talk Shite	372	55		Robbie The Reindeer	6722	55
Abu Dhabi or Bust	371	56		203020	6643	56
Chilling Gus	370	57		Team JB	6548	57
Kyalami Racing	370	57		Jody Scheckter	6544	58
Honey Monster	365	59		Houghton Bird	6499	59
Team JB	365	59		Baja Scoch 3	6473	60
Team Mitch	365	59		SOHO	6468	61
Luck of the Irish	360	62		Brandling Villa	6448	62
Mickey & Lula Speed Demons	359	63		Mickey & Lula Speed Demons	6439	63
Claire Teuma	354	64		I Love Beer	6372	64
Do'nut Donnelly	348	65		I Love Beer Too	6346	65
Irene Loves McLaren	348	65		Stop Up Villa	6303	66
On the Right Track	345	67		Zabaleta is a Manc	6291	67
Pie Axe	341	68		C'est la vie	6283	68
El Paso by Marty Robins	327	69		A Taste Of Honey	6232	69
A Taste Of Honey	323	70		Mean Machine 00	6201	70
Ticketyboo Guess Who	322	71		Honey Monster	6189	71
Honeycombover	318	72		Irene Loves McLaren	6182	72
I Love Beer	317	73		In Trouble Again	6129	73
Robbie The Reindeer	317	73		McLaren All The Way	6087	74
Stop Up Villa	308	75		Pie Axe	6049	75
Jody Scheckter	298	76		Bullet Proof Bomb	5954	76
Michael Maughan	296	77		Ticketyboo Guess Who	5884	77
Brandling Villa	291	78		Erik Estrada	5869	78
C'est la vie	277	79		Honeycombover	5854	79
Why F1 When You Can F2?	276	80		Claire Teuma	5845	80
Jenson's Buttons	273	81		Why F1 When You Can F2?	5825	81
FlippersDivers V1	265	82		Team Tuna	5642	82
Team Tuna	262	83		Michael Maughan	5640	83
In Trouble Again	261	84		On the Right Track	5597	84
Mean Machine 00	259	85		Hugh Janus	5563	85
Hezza's Hero's	255	86		El Paso by Marty Robins	5520	86
Zabaleta is a Manc	240	87		Bottom of the Barrel +1	5519	87
I Love Beer Too	231	88		Do'nut Donnelly	5269	88
La Dolce Vita	205	89		La Dolce Vita	5261	89
Bullet Proof Bomb	200	90		Abu Dhabi or Bust	5184	90
Hugh Janus	197	91		Team Mackarel	5121	91
Team Mackarel	195	92		Hezza's Hero's	5013	92
Bottom of the Barrel +1	187	93		FlippersDivers V1	4598	93
Male Average =	402			Male Average =	7038
Female Average =	351			Female Average =	6833

Regards,
Lawrence.