2014 - Race 16 - Russian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

USELESS FACT:

IF YOU LIKE TO MAKE LOVE TO MUSIC ALWAYS DO IT TO A LIVE ALBUM. THAT WAY YOU’LL GET A ROUND OF APPLAUSE EVERY THREE OR FOUR MINUTES.

Welcome back. Now, where were we? Oh yes. I last had the opportunity to vent my pent up frustration on entrants some five months and 10 races ago after the Monaco GP. I have a whole load of frustration to unload now, but none of it relates to the NHS. If you believe what you read in the papers from unions, politicians, etc., the NHS is a broken system. My experience over the last five months is the opposite; the NHS is magnificent. At no stage in the treatment of my late father-in-law, Tony, and my mother-in-law, Olive, did I have anything but admiration for the NHS and its staff. We had very prompt service at all stages from all of the staff in various hospitals and medical facilities. All of the NHS staff we encountered, from consultants, doctors, nurses to auxiliary staff, and all of the staff in the care home Tony was in for six weeks, were knowledgeable, prompt, helpful and sensitive, and always with a smile whenever possible and appropriate. Yes they worked hard, but there was never a single complaint from any of them. The experience of all the other visitors I spoke to in my many hospital visits was also the same, so something must be going right in the NHS.

Anyway, which gamble in Sochi paid off and which turned out to be a losing shot at Russian roulette? In the battle of the genders the men carried on as they have most of this season by having their way again, winning by 402 points to 351, thus extending their overall lead to 7038 points to 6833 and

In 84^th place with 261 points we have In Trouble Again failing to live up to his name as this is the first time he’s descended into the jaws of hell.  In 85^th place with 259 points we have Mean Machine 00 appearing for the second time this season, just like the number of lunar eclipses this year.  In 86^th place with 255 points we have Hezza's Hero's who have sadly been here far too often for her sanity.  In 87^th place with 240 points we have Zabaleta is a Manc performing worse than City at the moment, if that’s possible. In 88^th place again with 231 points we have I Love Beer Too going so slow it looks like beer comes a poor second to chocolate with him.  In 89^th place again with 205 points we have La Dolce Vita living the low life and not the high life.  In 90^th place with 200 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb with a performance as bullet proof as Tesco’s annual profits figures.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91st place with 197 points we have Hugh Janus  In 92^nd place with 195 points we have Team Mackarel, but I need more time to think of a bad fish pun so I’ll have to mullet over.  In 93^rd and last place with 187 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 aspiring to achieve such a position.

Our top ten this time looks like an old photo with curly corners of a school class reunion.  In 10^th place with 529 points we have Fellside Fools not looking as foolish as his dress sense.  In 9^th place with 530 points we have Titan Uranus going backwards without reversing sensors.  In 8^th place with 538 points we have Baja Scoch suffering from an anxiety attack as he now has more appearances in the top ten this season than he’s achieved in all his previous seasons combined…or so it appears.  In 7^th place with 543 points we have Henry's Cars beating his Dad, and that’s 12years before he becomes a teenager and feels he’s invincible and can do it regularly.  In 6^th place with 544 points we have Stig Of The Dump trying to stay composed rather than decompose as normal.  In 5^th place with 557 points we have Breaking Down Bad hoping to get at least this high again before the end of the season and gate crash the overall podium.  In 4^th place with 559 points we have Nicks Numpties having his best run of results ever and facing a drug test for the use of illegal stimulants.  In 3^rd place with 603 points we have Baja Scoch 2 continuing to beat his first team regularly and break the habits of a lifetime by appearing at the top end of the table for a change.  In 2^nd place with 612 points we have The Don making another rare appearance and hoping to make an offer we can’t refuse.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner for the fourth time this season with 643 points is Bad Hat Harry tipping his hat to the defeated like a Roman emperor giving the thumbs down.

In the overall standings some of the inmates occupying the cells at the bottom are serving a life sentence without remission.  Falling to 84^th place with 5597 points we have On the Right Track putting on a brave face, but, sadly, it’s still ugly.  In 85^th place with 5563 points we have Hugh Janus squatting like a Hippo in a puddle.  Rising to 86^th place with 5520 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins who has spent more time this season being crapped on than a Glastonbury portaloo.  Stationary in 87^th place with 5519 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 with the +1 representing the number of active brain cells he used to pick his team.  Rising to 88^th place with 5269 points we have Do'nut Donnelly with the hole in the middle of his do’nut representating of the number of active brain cells he still uses today.  Dropping to 89^th place with 5261 points we have La Dolce Vita putting the vita into inevitable, which describes her continued descent towards the bottom.  Rising to 90^th place with 5184 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust with bust looking like the winner there..

Our inverse podium of shame occupants are familiar with this territory.  Falling to 91^st place with 5121 points we have Team Mackarel whose hopes for this season have now been scaled down.  Stuck in 92^nd place with 5013 points we have Hezza's Hero's who deserves a medal for sacrificing herself for the good of others.  Still anchored in 93^rd and last place with 4598 points we have FlippersDivers V1 who, on his performance this season, I wouldn’t trust to sit the correct way round on a toilet.

Who is at the top of the tree harbouring the same hopes as Nigel Farage has for the election next May?  Dropping to 10^th place with 8804 points we have Debbie Does Dallas going down faster than…well.  Rising to 9^th place with 8815 points we have Thor's Hammer making the same impact as UKIP have on the political scene recently.  Slipping to 8^th place with 8968 points we have Stig Of The Dump slowly collapsing like the height of a compost heap as it decomposes.  Still stuck in 7^th place with 8991 points we have Kaiser finding it harder to make progress than the Pope on the subject of homosexuality.  Roaring up to 6^th place with 8996 points we have Deb's Delights doing cartwheels and hoping she’s got her knickers on.  In 5^th place with 9079 points we have Titan Uranus straining every muscle to try and blow the opposition away.  Shooting up to 4^th place with 9097 points we have Breaking Down Bad, with ‘shooting up’ being an appropriate description of the movement for a team name associated with drug dealing.

As with the inverse podium, our leading podium positions are changed slightly.  Climbing laboriously onto the podium for the first time in 3^rd place with 9100 points we have Bad Hat Harry using his considerable girth to try and force the others off the podium. Still stuck in 2^nd place with 9118 points we have Evo who has been stuck here since race 3 and has used her time trying to implement her strategy to take the top spot but has failed because she can’t find an affordable hit man.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our leader with 9552 points is still Glutæus Maximus who has been here since race 2 and is proving harder to remove than a revenge porn video on the internet.

The next race is the USA GP on Sunday 8^th November.

Regards,

Lawrence.