USELESS QUESTION:
WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT SATNAV?
USELESS FACT:
IT IS A COMMON MISCONCEPTION THAT ONIONS ARE THE ONLY VEGETABLE THAT
MAKE YOUR EYES WATER. A TURNIP IN THE
FACE WORKS AS WELL.
Well, we’ve come to the end of
another season, which produced more psychological warfare between a Brit and a
German, Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg, than Lord Haw-Haw produced during
World War 2. In
spite of the number of entrants being down on the previous years we had the
magnificent total of 93 teams entered, and I managed to extract the entry fee
from 86 of them. My heartfelt thanks to
everyone who entered and paid, thus helping others less fortunate than we
are. You will be pleased to know that
you raised a total of £443.00 for charities, which is worth £553.75 with Gift
Aid. I hope that Santa Claus was kind to
all who paid their entry fee.
But first I have some good news and some bad news. The seven teams that didn’t pay were owned by
three entrants who have disappeared off my radar and failed to respond to my
emails, and in one case she refused a personal approach by colleagues on my
behalf. The good news is that in an
earlier email I threatened to name and shame those entrants who did not pay
their entry fee in spite of multiple requests and the threat of enhanced
interrogation techniques. The
bad news is that in response to the many entrants who did pay and emailed me to
say that I should name and shame I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime
and name them, but, Ian Weeks, David Hadley, and Rachael McCabe know who they
are. And now for something completely
different…
This season we had 19 races
that produced eight different winners.
At the other end we had 12 different teams that came last in a race,
while we had seven teams that spent all their time in mid table anonymity and
successfully evaded comment all season. An
honourable mention goes to Kirsty Clunie who with her guess of 20,900 laps was
closest to the actual total number of 20,923 laps run. If only she had
used the same crystal ball to select her team.
In the race battle
of the genders the men, boringly, won again, winning by 439
points to 425,
thus extending their overall lead to 8409 points
to 8163 and reinforcing their view that when dealing with
girls a kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs
merchandise.
In 84th place with 305
points we have Robbies Banger
Racing seeing his hopes of anonymity blown sky high. In 85th
place with 300 points we have Michael
Maughan who, after years of being roasted by me, has now developed a skin
so thick it is being tested by NASA for use as the heat shield on Orion, the
new Mars space capsule. In 86th place
with 299 points we have On the Right Track hitting another dead
end. In 87th
place with 275 points we have Do'nut
Donnelly with another stale performance. In 88th
place with 272 points we have Team Tuna sinking to the
bottom like a dead fish. In
89th place again with 267 points
we have Hezza's Hero's pleased
that the season has now finished so that she can go out without a
disguise. In 90th place with 252
points we have Pie Axe not
getting any gravy on this train.
Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91st
place with 243 points we have Erik
Estrada displaying his film star looks…Shrek. In 92nd
place with 240 points we have the appropriately named Hugh
Janus blotting out the sun and any hope of achieving
respectability. In
93rd and last place with 212 points
we have La Dolce Vita showing very
little dolce and no vita.
Our top ten this time includes one new debutant…better
late than never. In 10th place
with 552 points we have The Don failing
to make me an offer I can’t refuse. In
joint 8th place with 564 points
we have Baja Scoch 2 and Thor's Hammer making music together, like Jedward. In joint 6th
place with 579 points we have Bring Back Kinnear
saving his best for last and making his first and only appearance in the top ten
this season, and Milton De Silva returning for his
second dose of praise, thus putting him in credit versus the abuse he’s
received this season. In
5th place with 584 points
we have Glutæus Maximus who has been a real
pain in the derriere for all of the other entrants this season as he has
collected points more regularly than a Nectar card. In 4th place
with 585 points we have Nandrolone
finally stepping up again but showing that drugs
are not the answer unless you’re a loser…or Lance Armstrong.
Over podium squatters
this time all have something to celebrate.
In 3rd place with 587
points we have Fellside Fools
finally making the podium at last and getting his Christmas present early. In 2nd
place with 601 points we have Titan
Uranus hoping to tighten his grip on some money. Finally, our winner
for the first time this season with 651 points
is Deb's Delights
screaming in delight so loud that it makes Meg Ryan look like she’s lost her
voice in ‘that scene’ in ‘When Harry Met
Sally.’
In the overall standings the cells at the bottom
are occupied by the same inmates who have had a quick game of musical chairs. Rising to 84th place with 6675
points we have El Paso by Marty Robins almost escaping
the dungeons like his almost namesake Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption. Dropping again to
85th place with 6662 points
we have On the Right Track who has now reached
the terminus. Stuck
in 86th place with 6623 points
we have Bottom
of the Barrel +1
who soon hopes to be able to go out and not have children point at him in the
street and laugh. Dropping
to 87th place with 6591 points
we have Hugh Janus who can now stop
making an ars* of himself. Rising
to 88th place with 6372 points
we have Abu Dhabi or Bust
whose self-esteem has followed the price of oil. Dropping to 89th
place with 6224 points we have La
Dolce Vita who now needs a
defibrillator to restart his vita. Stuck
in 90th place with 6152 points
we have Do'nut
Donnelly,
the role model of Homer Simpson.
Our inverse podium of shame occupants have now been
in the same positions longer than Stonehenge.
In 91st place with 6090 points
we have Team Mackarel who has been well and truly kippered this season. Comatose in 92nd place with
5954 points we have Hezza's
Hero's
who tried to be a volunteer for the Samaritans but they rejected her saying
they had enough problems to deal with. Still
anchored in 93rd and last place with 5471 points
we have FlippersDivers V1 who is thankful that the season is now
finished.
As with those at the wrong end of the table, the
top ten are the same, they have just shuffled about uncomfortably, like the
members of a police line-up. Stuck in 10th
place with 10553 points we have Debbie Does Dallas delighted to have come on top and not in the
bottom. Also static in 9th
place with 10626 points we have Thor's Hammer beating on again about how he used to be a
big noise. Dropping
to 8th place with 10720 points
we have Kaiser failing with his
last big push to make any advance on the western front, or any front for that
matter. Slipping to 7th
place with 10757 points we have Bad
Hat Harry who is now looking for a hat big enough to fit his
head after a season that has exceeded hi expectations. Losing his grip on
reality and slipping to 6th place with 10791
points we have Stig Of The Dump sliding down like
dung off a shovel.
So who won the money and which charities benefited? Slipping again to 5th place with 10793
points we have Evo,
alias Kirsty Clunie, our laps Goddess.
Normally she would not have won any money for finishing outside the top
four places. However, as she has spent
almost all season in second place, just crashing out at the very end, and was so close with her laps prediction, our overall
winner has taken pity on her and given her his personal prize of £30.00 to
donate a charity of her choice, this being Cancer Research UK. Reaping the
rewards of her race win, and the trampoline she prayed for which allowed her to
leap up to 4th place again with 10818 points
we have Deb's Delights
and she is donating her prize of £41.30 to the Ebola appeal. In 3rd place with 10840
points we have Breaking Down Bad who is donating his prize of £61.95 to St.
Oswald’s hospice. Remaining
in 2nd place with 10940 points
and winning £103.25 we have Titan Uranus, who did not get the miracle he prayed for and so remains
behind our winner who, with 11549 points
is, no surprises, Glutæus Maximus, and he wins £206.50 for his chosen charities. Our winner and second placed teams are both
the property of the same entrant who, being the shy retiring philanthropist
that he is, wants to remain anonymous. That
means he is dividing his total winnings of £309.75 equally and donating £103.25
each to the Salvation Army, Save The Children and the Alzheimer’s Society.
My best wishes to
you and your family. I trust you all had
a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year and hope that 2015 will be a good
year for you all. I hope to see you
taking part again in 2015 with as many of your friends, family and colleagues
as you can harangue into taking part. If
you change any of your email addresses please send me your new email address
and then I’ll be able to invite you to take part in next season’s competition,
which starts with the Australian GP in Melbourne on 15th March 2015. This date is going to cause me a problem as I
have booked a Caribbean cruise starting on 27th February to give
Lady Audrey a well-earned break from looking after her Mum, and the plane back
home lands in Manchester on 14th March. I am therefore sweating on all of the teams and
their drivers being announced well in advance of the season starting so that I
can get the entry form out before the cruise starts and bully encourage
you all to take part again. The 2015
season looks somewhat fraught with difficulty as two teams have gone out of
business this season and there are questions over how many races there will
be. To paraphrase Confucius, we live in
interesting times.
If you do not
receive an email from me inviting you to take part next season please put a
reminder in your diary to check the blog from the end of February next year for
details. So, that concludes the 2014
season. I hope you have enjoyed the
experience this year and my sincere thanks to you all for your participation, good nature and selfless charity.
Regards,
Lawrence.
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