IF 4 OUT OF 5 PEOPLE SUFFER FROM DIARRHOEA, DOES THAT MEAN THAT ONE ENJOYS IT?
USELESS FACT:
YOU SPEND THE FIRST TWO YEARS OF THEIR LIFE TEACHING CHILDREN TO WALK AND TALK, AND THEN YOU SPEND THE NEXT 16 YEARS TELLING THEM TO SIT DOWN AND SHUT-UP.
I’m writing this report before I go to Malta on 24th April with seven other keen Old Farts, including one Jack Harrison that many older Eaga/CES members will know, for a one week cycling holiday, when we will cover between 35 and 60 miles a day. We Old Farts really know how to have fun in the sun!
Since the last race I’ve accepted one late entry from John Casement, an old colleague from Eaga and regular competition entrant who has taken time out from his Japanese studies to be humiliated again. While John may have spent quite a bit of time in Japan studying Japanese, he’s currently studying at Newcastle University to enable him to return to Japan and teach. Welcome back John. Some of you may feel it wrong that an entrant is allowed in after the first two races have been completed, as he will have the benefit of these races to pick a very good team. To those people I say relax, as it’s obvious from his team selection that John has as much knowledge of F1 as I have of Japanese. "Arigato" for your entry John, but I think you can say "Sayonara" to your chances of winning.
In the Battle of the Genders the men finally won a race, this time by 463 points to 458, and reduced the ladies overall lead, which is now 1,144 points to 1,139. The ladies overall lead reinforces their view that men are like bananas…the older they get, the less firm they are.
So, who came out of the Chinese race feeling Shanghaied and who came out shining? In 137th place with 358 points we have Donnelly's Danglers exposed for all to ridicule. In 138th place with 357 points we have Last Man Standing looking for a chair before he collapses. In joint 139th place with 356 points we have the terrible triumvirate of And In Last Place!, Bottom of the Barrel and Erik The Elephant who are not tripudiating but sinking slowly like Venice. In 142nd place with 355 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? crying at the prospect of a minimum price per unit for alcohol. In 143rd place with 354 points we have Merlions, who shows that having spent his full £60 million budget on his team and continuing to achieve results this bad he really should be a banker or work for the Treasury.
Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144th place with 248 points we have Mr Kobyashi in the inverse position to where he hoped to be. In 145th place with 337 points we have Craig Pattison with a performance like a student squat…it stinks. Finally, in last place with 285 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who has his 2nd birthday on 23rd April, St George’s Day, and is now wondering if he should slay his Dad as well as the dragon for giving him this dose of public humiliation which will leave him emotionally scarred for life.
Now, who are our top ten this time? In joint 10th place with 558 points we have Charlton's Chumps, an inappropriately named team on this performance, and Neeeeeaaaaaooowwww, the sound he makes when breaking wind. In 9th place with 559 points we have Clueless Aussie, a description that could apply to all of the antipodean cricket team during the last Ashes series. In 8th place with 561 points we have Bread of Heaven looking up for once, like his nation’s rugby team, instead of contemplating his navel. In 7th place with 566 points we have Return of the Mac, something we’ve all been forced to don now that the rain that’s been absent so far this year has returned. In 6th place with 574 points we have D&J's Dream Team, a team after their children by another parent who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of having his reputation as a tall, dark, handsome philanthropist / short arsed, tight-wad, (delete as appropriate) exposed to ridicule. In 5th place with 576 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok, the famous whiskey connoisseur and deserter from the 1st Regiment Foot and Mouth.
Now, who occupies the podium and gets to pose for the cameras? In joint 3rd place with 577 points we have two real posers, Erik Estrada and Neddie Seagoon, as unlikely a couple as Susan Boyle and Fatty Arbuckle, with the body shapes to match. In 2nd place with 582 points we have Henry Crun, who has no hidden depths but many hidden shallows. Finally, showering everyone with champagne, our winner this race with 583 points is NorfolkandChanceF1.com with a performance that amazes him and everyone who knows him, and who may now review his team name in view of exceeding all expectations.
We can now definitely see a trend developing at the end where the occupants don’t have the sense God gave to shrubbery. In joint 136th place with 775 points we have the entwined twinset of Blast From The Past and From Marussia With Love trying to disentangle themselves from impending doom. In 138th place with 710 points we have Donnelly's Danglers dropping even lower, but that’s what puberty does to you. In 139th place with 709 points we have Erik The Elephant feeling as frustrated as the Edinburgh pandas now the mating season has passed unsuccessfully. In joint 140th place with 707 points we have the gruesome twosome of And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel shackled to each other like recession and unemployment. In joint 142nd place with 670 points we have Red 5 and Team Holynski going in opposite directions, so at least one of them is relatively happy.
Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144th place with 656 points we have Last Man Standing feeling like a condemned man standing on the scaffold. In 145th place with 650 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? who knows that life is short so he’s smiling while he still has teeth. Finally, still in last place with 584 points we have Merlions who could donate his body to medical science but even they couldn’t find out what is going wrong here.
In the overall race, at the end of the able reserved for those who can put all of the letters of the alphabet in the correct order, eight of the top ten are the same but have just been playing musical chairs. In 10th place with 1437 points we have D&J's Dream Team climbing to a height beyond his physical ability without the aid of a stepladder. In 9th place with 1455 points we have Neeeeeaaaaaooowwww making a purring sound like a cat that’s got the cream. In 8th place with 1477 points we have Fletch Lives, something he is happy to reassure people about now he’s reached the age where he buys alphabet soup with large print. In 7th place with 1482 points we have Sidders NDC looking perkier than Pamela Anderson’s nipples on a freezing cold day. In 6th place with 1519 points we have Mr Fenster looking like the Mona Lisa…no-one knows if he’s smiling or got wind. In 5th place with 1520 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne looking for a lawyer to prove he’s done this well legitimately for once in his low life. In 4th place with 1531 points we have Henry Crun who believes that Christmas is a time for giving, but all it gives him is a headache.
Now, who occupies the podium and hopes to lift a trophy at the end of the season? In 3rd place with 1617 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok, our resident coward and philandering cross-dresser. Still in 2nd place with 1663 points we have Erik Estrada having a fairy tale start to the season, but he’s no Slenderella. Finally, our leader with 1668 points is still Neddie Seagoon, who defends his body shape on the grounds that he’s just a nutritional overachiever.
The next race is the Bahrain GP on Sunday 22nd April, and, if the race goes ahead, that report will be delayed until I come back from Malta.
Regards,
Lawrence.
