2012 - Race 4 - Bahrain GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY DOES MINERAL WATER THAT HAS "TRICKLED THROUGH MOUNTAINS FOR CENTURIES" GO OUT OF DATE NEXT YEAR? 

USELESS FACT:

STATISTICALLY, 6 OUT OF 7 DWARVES ARE NOT HAPPY.

We had a great time in Malta cycling around that beautiful island seeing many of the historic sites, enjoying some beautiful sunny weather, and getting sunburnt while Britain suffered a biblical deluge.  The one thing I learnt from the holiday was to take my own saddle if I hire a bike again.  The main roads were OK but the side roads were as rough as the moon and had more potholes.  After the first two days my bum felt more abused than a Catholic altar boy’s.  The only thing that upset me on the holiday was on the plane coming home.  Sitting behind me were two blokes whose conversation I couldn’t help overhearing.  I took offence when they said that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she has to reverse the plane. 

In the Battle of the Genders the men won again, this time by 398 points to 373, and took the overall lead by 1,537 points to 1,517. This reinforces the men’s view that women are like bank accounts; once you withdraw you lose interest. 

So, who came out of the Bahrain race feeling like they’d had a gas and who came out feeling like they’d been tear gassed?  In 137^th place with 255 points we have Mean Machine 00 just scoring more points than his team name.  In 138^th place with 249 points we have Zephyr JS Racing finding that this is not a breeze.  In 139^th place with 235 points we have Ava Honora going slower than his Grandmother.  In 140^th place with 230 points we have Michael Maughan finally gravitating towards his natural position in life.  In 141^st place with 224 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1 with a performance that was anything but heroic.  In 142^nd place with 212 points we have Donnelly's Danglers in danger of being cut off from the main body of our entrants.  In 143^rd place with 209 points we have From Marussia With Love, a villain performing even worse than Aston Villa in the Premier League…if that’s possible. 

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 144^th place with 208 points we have the deluded duo of And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel arguing over who is going to raise their white flag of surrender first.  Finally, in last place with 201 points we have Spot the Dog fouling his chances of getting anything other than embarrassed. 

Now, who makes up our decadent decade this time?  In 10^th place with 526 points we have David Parkin continuing to improve race by race and finally make an impression other than with his face in the pavement following a night out.  In 9^th place with 527 points we have Ben GP, the only GP that makes you sick when you see him.  In joint 6^th place with 529 points we have the towering triptych of Ailene Marshall, Bluebottle and JC’s Magical Mystery Tour, with a tour de farce force.  In 5^th place with 542 points we have Mack The Knife cutting through the field like a hot knife through butter.  In 4^th place with 543 points we have Endoskull getting off his head and giving others a headache. 

Now, who are the podium posers this time? In 3^rd place with 547 points we have Dirty Leeds, an apt description of the Leeds I remember travelling through twice every week from 1972 to 1974.  In 2^nd place with 561 points we have Peter Leatherland, who even Gok Wan couldn’t do anything for, especially on How to Look Good Naked.  Finally, showering everyone with champagne, our winner this race with 577 points is F1 HFH, which looks to me like the secret code used to crack the enigma machine. 

The trend at the bottom is now firmly established, like rickets in Victorian Britain.  Remaining in 137^th place with 1061 points we have Blast From The Past, this being his reward for performances as welcome as a fart in a space suit.  In 138^th place with 1046 points we have Team Holynski doing worse than an elephant at tight rope walking.  In 139^th place with 992 points we have Erik The Elephant, whose team selection reminds me of playing Blind Man’s Buff…no vision.  In 140^th place with 984 points we have From Marussia With Love whose chances are now colder than Siberia in winter.  In 141^st place with 955 points we have Merlions finally managing to scrap himself off the bottom like something scrapped off the bottom of his shoe.  In 142^nd place with 933 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, and not even liposuction would make this, or him, look better.  In 143^rd place with 924 points we have Last Man Standing, whose chances of winning are now thinner than a Vogue model. 

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 922 points we have Donnelly's Danglers dropping even lower with the onset of puberty.  Finally, in joint 145^th and last place with 915 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel whose chances of winning are disappearing faster than Lib Dem voters. 

In the overall race, at the end of the table where the occupants can spell their name, some regular names are starting to appear.  In 10^th place with 1851 points we have Endoskull showing that he hasn’t terminated his hopes of winning something other than faint praise.  In 9^th place with 1856 points we have Henry Crun, who keeps Christmas in his heart all year long as it leaves less room for cholesterol.  Slipping to 8^th place with 1868 points we have Mr Fenster, the role model for Uncle Fester.  Rising to 7^th place with 1881 points we have D&J's Dream Team defying gravity and looking for a parachute to help him down gently.  In 6^th place with 1909 points we have Bis Bravehearts assailing heights he’s previously only dreamt of.  In 5^th place with 1950 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, whose ambition is to be the body double for a film star in the sex scenes…presumably Chewbacca. 

Now, who occupies the podium and hopes they haven’t peaked too soon?  In joint 3^rd place with 1972 points we have Erik Estrada and Fletch Lives, one coming down meeting one going up, the nightmare scenario for a schizophrenic waiting for a lift.  Climbing to 2^nd place with 1982 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok, who has washed more white flags than a Chinese laundry.  Finally, our leader with 2033 points is still Neddie Seagoon, the body double for the Michelin tyre man. 

The next race is the Spanish GP on Sunday 11^th May. 

Regards,

Lawrence.