2012 - Race 5 - Spanish GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:
WHY DOES DONALD DUCK WEAR A TOWEL WHEN HE COMES OUT OF THE SHOWER WHEN HE DOESN'T USUALLY WEAR ANY PANTS?

USELESS FACT:

IATA AIRPORT CODES INCLUDE BUM (BUTLER AIRPORT, USA), PEE (PERM AIRPORT, RUSSIA), POO (POCOS DE CALDAS AIRPORT, BRAZIL) AND SEX (SEMBACH AIRPORT, GERMANY).

The weather is more confused than the Government is over what to do next.  It’s the middle of May and while cycling yesterday, riding our bikes through hailstones and bitter cold winds, it felt like winter, not the warm spring we are supposed to be enjoying at this time of year.  It would appear that the F1 series this year is just as confused.  Five races, five different winners, with the latest winner, Pastor Maldonado, not being a driver anyone expected to win.  So, how confused were your teams in España? 

In the Battle of the Genders the women fought back and won by 363 points to 354, maintaining the ladies view that men are like the weather; nothing can be done to change them.  This reduced the overall lead the men have and they now lead by 1891 points to 1880. This reinforces the men’s view that girls are like coffee; the best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night. 

So, who came out of the Spanish GP feeling as depressed as their economy?  In 137^th place with 203 points we have At Risk, which describes his few remaining brain cells.  In 138^th place with 173 points we have From Marussia With Love, having as much success as any opponent of Vladimir Putin.  In 139^th place with 171 points we have Donnelly's Danglers suffering frostbite from exposure…again.  In 140^th place with 165 points we have Craig Pattison who would find waterboarding preferable to this torture.  In 141^st place with 158 points we have Last Man Standing, a position he has never managed in a bar.  In 142^nd place with 155 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? with another performance that makes less sense than marrying your cousin.  In 143^rd place with 146 points we have Mr Kobyashi who is considering changing his name to ‘Facebook’ in the hope that someone will ‘Like’ him. 

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 144^th place with 84 points we have the conjoined twins of And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, both more battered than if they’d been playing football against Joey Barton.  Finally, in last place with -26 points we have The Leg Ends, an appropriate name for a team that are not legends. 

Now, our decadent decade are led in 10^th place with 512 points by Steven Rogers who is getting old, as he no longer sees speed limits as a challenge.  In 9^th place with 518 points we have Mickey's Motors, but would you buy a second hand car from this man?  In 8^th place with 543 points we have Louise McGill, our highest placed lady, no blonde joke here as she has a laugh at all those below her.  In joint 6^th place with 546 points we Dirty Leeds and Martony Racing 1, sharing this like saddle sores on a tandem.  In 5^th place with 548 points we have NorfolkandChanceF1.com reappearing like a mud flat at low tide.  In 4^th place with 550 points we have Martony Racing 2 getting up himself by upstaging his number 1 team. 

Now, who are the podium posers this time? In 3^rd place with 556 points we have Ben GP looking for an oxygen mask as he’s not used to this rarefied atmosphere.  In 2^nd place with 628 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, a man who draws the dole more often than he draws breath.  Finally, showering everyone with champagne, our winner this race with 684 points is Slicksmyballs, exposing his secret fantasy and achieving another secret fantasy…winning. 

The trend at the bottom is now firmly established, like Chinese restaurants in Stowell Street.  In 137^th place with 1352 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who is considering suing his parents for child abuse.  In 138^th place with 1323 points we have Alright Here? with a performance that is anything but alright.  In 139^th place with 1293 points we have Merlions continuing to defy gravity and rise above the mediocrity his performances deserve.  In 140^th place with 1214 points we have Erik The Elephant in a hole so deep he’s got more chance of striking oil than getting out of it.  In 141^st place with 1157 points we have From Marussia With Love, less oligarch, more oh my God.  In 142^nd place with 1093 points we have Donnelly's Danglers rising, and I thought he couldn’t get an erection at his age.  In 143^rd place with 1088 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? whose prospects look worse than those of Rebekah Brooks telling the truth at her trial. 

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 1082 points we have Last Man Standing who has more chance of finding the Abominable Snowman than getting out of this mess.  Finally, in joint 145^th and last place with 999 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel with a score which is the same as the telephone number they need to ring to be saved from further ignominy. 

In the overall race, who occupies the end of the table where the occupants don’t have a restraining order on them?  In 10^th place with 2258 points we have Eccles taking time out from his usual job and depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.  In 9^th place with 2277 points we have Bis Bravehearts who is proof that while time may be a great healer it's a lousy beautician.  Slipping to 8^th place with 2317 points we have D&J's Dream Team desperately holding on, like a drunk to a bottle.  In 7^th place with 2340 points we have Erik Estrada falling as if he’s imbibed one too many again.  In 6^th place with 2343 points we have Slicksmyballs leaping from obscurity as reward for his race win.  Losing his grip and slipping to 5^th place with 2359 points we have Fletch Lives who has abandoned eating health food as he now needs all the preservatives he can get.  In 4^th place with 2362 points we have Martony Racing 1 who is almost as excited about this as he is about the rise in the value of the pound against the Euro, thus allowing him to buy more Sangria. 

So, who are the podium posers now?  In 3^rd place with 2404 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok, who admits to being addicted to brake fluid, but reckons he can stop any time.  Falling to 2^nd place with 2455 points we have Neddie Seagoon, a man who makes Americans look fashion conscious and slim.  Finally, our new leader with 2578 points is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, a man whose morals stoop to depths only matched by the Marianas Trench. 

The next race is the Monaco GP on Sunday 27^th May. 

Regards,

Lawrence.