2012 - Race 6 - Monaco GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHAT COLOUR WOULD A SMURF TURN IF YOU CHOKED IT?

USELESS FACT:

LAUGHING IS GOOD EXERCISE. IT'S LIKE JOGGING ON THE INSIDE.

Did I not say in the last race report that the weather here is more confused than me, unlikely though that may seem?  Since then, when I’ve been out on my bike, instead of riding wearing a duvet to save me from contracting hypothermia I’ve had to lather myself with sun block to prevent myself turning redder than a pimply teenager on his first visit to a strip club.  Is the weather confused?  Not as much as you will be by the end of the season. 

The six races so far this season have given us six different race winners, a record for the first six races in any season.  Monaco, the natural feeding ground for oligarchs, billionaires and other people with more money than sense and scruples, gave us a race characterised by early crashes and retirements, causing a shake-up and changes in the order that had been established this season.  So, did Monaco, the most glamorous GP race of the year, leave you feeling pampered or pummelled? 

In the Battle of the Genders the men returned to winning ways and won by 361 points to 347, extending the overall lead the men have and they now lead by 2252 points to 2227. This reinforces the men’s view that they can treat girls like the Queen’s diamond jubilee…they only need to come once every 60 years. 

So, who came out of Monaco feeling like they’d been to the casino and lost the shirt off their back or feeling like they’d broken the bank in Monte Carlo?  In joint 136^th place with 179 points we have Last Man Standing occupying what is becoming his home ground, and Slicksmyballs going from the sublime to the ridiculous.  In 138^th place with 175 points we have Alright Here? showing he’s got less common sense than polyester carpet as he fails again to be anything but alright.  In 139^th place with 173 points we have Olivia's Army surrendering quicker than the Italian army.  In 140^th place with 159 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1 returning to the form she ‘enjoyed’ before last season when she finally rose to a position that reflected her love of F1, and this is how F1 repays her.  In 141^st place with 156 points we have Team Stalled continuing to perform like a stalled plane, stopping its vertical ascent and then diving towards earth.  In 142^nd place with 148 points we have Ben GP, a glutton for punishment, and anything else covered in ketchup.  In 143^rd place with 142 points we have Donnelly's Danglers showing again that he couldn’t find his arse in the dark with both hands. 

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 115 points we have Steven Rogers falling like a drunk having tasted champagne for the first time in the previous race. In 145^th place with 81 points we have Merlions with a performance as fashionable as Crimplene.  Finally, in last place with 11points we have Blast From The Past with a performance as welcome as Chernobyl, another blast from the past. 

Now, our decadent decade are led in 10^th place with 527 points by Toma's A Team, who claims to know even less about F1 than he knows about the Higgs Boson particle.  In 9^th place with 534 points we have The Leg Ends going from the ridiculous – last place in the last race – to the sublime.  In 8^th place with 543 points we have Jenson Daniel Lewis who burst into this world at 16.54 on Wednesday 30th May 2012, weighing 8lb 14oz, although at that size it was his mother, Caroline, who must have felt like she was going to burst.  Congratulations to the proud parents and welcome little Jenson Daniel.  Let’s see if he’s as good in future now that he’s out of the womb his safety cage.  In 7^th place with 559 points we have White Lightning feeling like he’s just drunk ten of them. 

In 6^th place with 561 points we Hadld Racing performing like he’s anything but addled.  In 5^th place with 567 points we have Mr McManus appearing from nowhere, like an outbreak of honesty in politics.  In 4^th place with 571 points we have Bis Bravehearts breaching Hadrian’s Wall again and invading territory that is foreign to him. 

Now, who are the podium posers this time? In 3^rd place with 588 points we have Endoskull, who, if his head swells any more, will need a larger cranium.  In 2^nd place with 602 points we have X-Wing flying high again and hoping he doesn’t copy Icarus and plunge to earth.  Finally, showering everyone with champagne, our winner this race with 623 points is Millenium Falcon swooping faster than a politician claiming the credit for a good news story. 

The trend at the bottom is now more firmly entrenched, like corruption in Russian politics.  In 137^th place with 1498 points we have Alright Here? appealing for clemency.  In 138^th place with 1422 points we have From Marussia With Love getting as much sympathy from us as Putin from his opponents.  In 139^th place with 1413 points we have Erik The Elephant, who isn’t trumpeting about this.  In 140^th place with 1386 points we have Blast From The Past looking more like a dud than ever.  In 141^st place with 1374 points we have Merlions descending back into the pit from which he thought he’d escaped.  In 142^nd place with 1286 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? who couldn’t care less as he’s living up to his name by celebrating the success of his crusade to have the pasty tax rescinded.  Climbing to 143^rd place with 1261 points we have Last Man Standing, although, if he continues to climb at this rate, amoebas will evolve faster. 

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 144^th place with 1260 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, a couple who get on like a house on fire; they both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.  Finally, in last place with 1235 points we have Donnelly's Danglers, which couldn’t get any lower unless he was standing over a hole in the ground. 

In the overall race, who occupies the end of the table where the occupants have an IQ higher than that of a compost heap?  Dropping to 10^th place with 2681 points we have D&J's Dream Team looking for a parachute to try and stop him falling further.  In 9^th place with 2693 points we have Erik Estrada looking more tanned than a DFS leather sofa.  Slipping to 8^th place with 2705 points we have Mack The Knife losing his edge and hoping to sharpen his act.  In 7^th place with 2745 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok, enthusiastically pursuing his one man crusade to make the profits of the Scotch whisky trade pay off the debts of the Scottish bankers.  In 6^th place with 2756 points we have Endoskull hoping this is not the end of his ambitions this season.  In joint 4^th place with 2762 points we have the dynamic duo of Millenium Falcon and Toma's A Team squabbling like kids in bunk beds over who’s on top. 

So, who are the podium posers now?  In 3^rd place with 2829 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, who has more wrinkles than the grim reaper and fewer scruples.  Staying in 2^nd place with 2846 points we have Neddie Seagoon who hopes they discover the Higgs Boson particle to explain why his mass is so large.  Finally, our new leader with 2848 points is the corpulent Caledonian cad Bis Bravehearts, the best reason I can think of to give the Scots full independence and then we can disown responsibility for this Goon. 

The next race is the Canadian GP on Sunday 10^th June.  

Regards,

Lawrence.