2012 - Race 7 - Canadian GP report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY DO YOU PRESS HARDER ON A REMOTE CONTROL WHEN YOU KNOW THE BATTERY IS DEAD?

USELESS FACT:

IN CYBERSPACE, CHRISTMAS IS OCTOBER 28TH.  THAT’S THE DAY THAT COMPUTERS AROUND THE WORLD CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF BILL GATES.

Sorry for the delay in publishing this report, but the need to watch every game in the European Football Championships has severely restricted the time available to me for literary violence.

We’ve now had seven races this season and got seven different race winners.  At this rate, only four drivers will fail to win a race this season.  Trying to predict a winner is more confusing than the weather, which has gone from the ridiculous to the sublime to the truly appalling as the year has progressed.  If the rain continues I’m expecting to see Noah and the Ark next.  Appropriately, the next GP is held in Canada, a country confused enough to have two languages, like Wales, where English is considered to be inferior by many natives, again like Wales, but where Wales has sheep Canada has oil, without the sexual distraction of sheep.  So, did Canada leave you confused or condignly confident?

In the Battle of the Genders the ladies didn’t just return to winning ways, they spanked the men, winning by 426 points to 378, overhauling the men in the overall race which the ladies now lead by 2654 points to 2630. This reinforces the ladies view that men are like chocolate bars...sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

So, who came out of Canada feeling canny and who came out feeling cantankerous?  In 137^th place with 189 points we have Team Holynski with a performance as welcome as ants at a picnic.  In 138^th place with 167 points we have David Parkin looking for another doctor to explain why this doctor fails to find the cause of his own malaise.  In 139^th place with 166 points we have Nick's No Hopers living up to their name and showing that his pessimism was fully deserved.  In 140^th place with 120 points we have From Marussia With Love performing even worse than the Russian football team at the European Championships.  In 141^st place with 85 points we have Donnelly's Danglers dropping again and reminding him of the horrors of puberty.  In joint 142^nd place with 82 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, a double act more embarrassed than Jimmy Carr at his tax avoidance becoming public knowledge…that should increase the hecklers for the smug bugger to deal with; let’s see if he can take it as well as dish it out, meaning criticism, rather than taking it and not dishing it out, meaning money.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 28 points we have Erik The Elephant seeing his chances trampled in the dust again.  In 145^th place with 15 points we have Last Man Standing taking solace from Oscar Wilde in that he may be lying in the gutter but he’s looking at the stars.  Finally, in last place with -6 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? remaining within a narrow band at the bottom, unlike his waist in his trousers.

Now, our decadent decade are led in 10^th place with 549 points by Pedro Da Gallagher surprising himself more than if he woke up and found he was in bed with Christopher Biggins.  In 9^th place with 550 points we have Fletch Lives continuing to perform at a higher level than his pulse rate.  In joint 7^th place with 559 points we have Paul Szomoru having more success than most people do at pronouncing his surname (Scrabble score = 18), and Singapore Slingers, who thinks that getting a job in Seoul is a good Korea move.  In 6^th place with 563 points we Houghton Bird pulling herself up the table into a more comfortable position, something she enjoys doing, and would like to enjoy more often…and for longer.  In 5^th place with 564 points we have CaspAir Racing ghosting into position quietly.  In 4^th place with 566 points we have Toma's A Team again appearing in a position he has no right to occupy if you believe his protestations that he knows less about F1 than he knows about quantum physics, proving that he’s just a lucky bugger.

Now, who are the podium posers this time? In 3^rd place with 580 points we have Erik Estrada casting a shadow as large as his waistline, possibly caused by the anagram of his name, Steak Raider.  In 2^nd place with 581 points we have Mack-Aroony rising again to prove that she is not pasta her besta.  Finally, showering everyone with champagne, our winner this race, appearing out of nowhere, with 588 points is LUFC Andy, bringing a little bit of glory into the disillusioned life of an LUFC supporter barely existing on memories of past glories.

The trend at the bottom is now more firmly entrenched than wrinkles in the face of a Bulldog.  In 137^th place with 1763 points we have Blast From The Past showing less blast power than trapped wind.  In 138^th place with 1752 points we have Alright Here? settling down for the long haul as he is going to be here for a long time.  In 139^th place with 1660 points we have Merlions who must have employed the Greek Finance Minister to spend his budget and pick his team.  In 140^th place with 1542 points we have From Marussia With Love who will need another revolution to turn this around.  In 141^st place with 1441 points we have Erik The Elephant who was last spotted doing a ton on the M1…other drivers are advised to proceed with caution and treat it as a roundabout.  In joint 142^nd place with 1342 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel scraping together enough energy to gain a place, even if they don’t gain any respect.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 1320 points we have Donnelly's Danglers suffering from exposure but thankful for the improvement in the weather to save him from frostbite.  In 145^th place with 1280 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? who would find a ferret down his trousers more enjoyable.  Finally, in last place with 1276 points we have Last Man Standing and his chances of winning are now more remote than finding an American who understands the metric system.

In the overall race, who occupies the end of the table where the occupants have contributed to the development of the human gene pool?  In 10^th place with 3181points we have Millenium Falcon falling faster than a piece of space junk.  In 9^th place with 3200 points we have Mr Fenster rising quicker than a ballet dancer after a diet.  Slipping to 8^th place with 3219 points we have Endoskull blaming skulduggery for his decline.  In 7^th place with 3228 points we have Fletch Lives confounding the obituary writers as he returns wreaking havoc in his usual manner.  In 6^th place with 3273 points we have Erik Estrada trampling over the hopes and aspirations of others to try and recapture his crown.  In 5^th place with 3288 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok who was hoping that the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee would increase sales for his flag making company, but there’s still no demand for white surrender flags.  In 4^th place with 3321 points we have Bis Bravehearts falling from the pinnacle and blaming the Champagne because he’s used to pints of Heavy and not to fine wine.

So, who are the podium posers now?  In 3^rd place with 3325 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, a master of disguise, a skill he’s refined over many years to help him evade various debt collectors.  In 2^nd place with 3328 points we have Toma's A Team wandering around in a daze reminiscent of excess alcohol, wondering how the hell he got here and hoping the effect doesn’t wear off.  Finally, our leader with 3390 points is once again the rotund Neddie Seagoon whose body shape is immortalised by the Gerkin building in London.

The next race is the European GP in Valencia on Sunday 24^th June.

Regards,

Lawrence.