CAN BLIND PEOPLE SEE THEIR DREAMS?
USELESS FACT:
HOSPITALITY: MAKING YOUR GUESTS FEEL LIKE THEY'RE
AT HOME, EVEN IF YOU WISH THEY WERE.
I have four fruit trees in my
garden, and their crop this year reflects the weather we’ve had this year…very poor. I have a Victoria Plum tree that normally
gives me a crop well in excess of 100 pounds weight, takes two days to pick and gets
distributed amongst friends and neighbours.
This year I’ve cleared the plum crop in 10 minutes, getting a total crop
of 28 plums. Yes, 28 plums, not 28 pounds. My apple trees are also similarly devoid of
fruit, with my Russett tree completely bare of fruit. When they were in blossom in April the
weather was very wet, so the heavy rain destroyed the blossoms and the bees
stayed in their hives. So, if you see a
bee or any other pollinating insect don’t kill it, help it, as it helps to feed
us all. Anyway, speaking of squashing
irritating insects, how did you get on in the Italian GP?
In the Battle of the Genders the men returned
to their winning ways, winning by 432 points to 423, thus inflating their
enormously oversized ego. In the overall
race, the men now lead by 5096 points
to 5094 and don’t care how big their lead is as any advantage they
have over the ladies they will take full advantage of.
So, who qualified to be imprisoned
in The Tower faster than a paparazzi photographer? In 137th place with 310 points we
have Bread
of Heaven getting as hammered as the Welsh football team last week, and
no alcohol was involved. In 138th
place with 307 points we have Michael Maughan returning to his
natural position in life after his brief sojourn at the top of the table in the
last race. In 139th place
with 303 points we have Team NDC finally surfacing like a
builder’s bum on a building site; you know it’s there somewhere but you hope
you never see it. In 140th place
with 283 points we have Colin Potts returning for another
dose of humiliation, which is like water off a duck’s back. In 141st place with 268 points we
have Mean
Machine 00 who has performed more like the Meek Machine this
season. In 142nd place with 260
points we have Celtic Heroes performing just like their Glasgow counterparts
this season…poorly. In 143rd place with 259 points
we have Team MON making an appearance as welcome as Margaret Thatcher
making a comeback.
Occupying
the inverse podium of shame, in 144th place with 257 points we have Nick's
No Hopers, presumably named after the Lib Dem MP’s chances at the next
election. In 145th place
with 228 points we have Lucy Lu
making as memorable a debut as Charlie Sheen on his police charge. Finally, in
last place with 220 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1 going
from hero to zero as he drops from the top ten to the bottom of the pile.
Of our decadent decade this
time only one is making their debut at this elevated level. In 10th place with 560 points we have Toma's A Team appearing
under false pretences as he doesn’t have a B team. In 9th place with 561 points
we have D&J's Dream Team still dreaming and sleep-walking to respectability.
In 8th place with 562 points we have Major
Dennis Bloodnok taking time off from buying time shares in distilleries
to stare around in a daze wondering how he got here. In joint 6th place with 563 points
we have Erik Estrada and Neddie Seagoon, as couple wedded to
their enjoyment of a rotund body shape. In
5th place with 566 points we have Sidders NDC
continuing his recovery like an addict going cold turkey. In 4th place with 570 points we
have Stephen
Neild rising like the Phoenix from the ashes of his previous race to
make a highly unexpected top ten debut, but better late than never.
Our
podium squatters this time are led in 3rd place with 584 points by LUFC
Andy, another Phoenix rising from the ashes of a separate fire. In 2nd place with 586 points we have Bazinga, who
was beginning to think she’d never see the light of day ay the top again. Finally, with 624 points, the winners
laurel wreath and trophy for this race go to Mack-Aroony recovering from what she hopes was a temporary lapse in the last race
to finally get her hands on the booze.
All of the teams at the bottom remain
in exactly the same positions, as motionless as the Chinese terracotta army. In 137th place with 4031 points we
have Merlions,
hoping to get closer to the action in Singapore than he ever will here. In 138th
place with 4018 points we have Team Holynski looking for someone to
blame, but failing, a reflection of his performances this season. In 139th place with 3926 points we
have Blast
From The Past continuing to perform like the volcano that formed Arthur’s
Seat in Edinburgh…lifeless and extinct. In
140th place with 3533 points we have From Marussia With Love threatening
to use Polonium-210 to improve his performance, or, more likely, reduce
mine. In 141st place with 3376
points we have Erik The Elephant who’s
more likely to see Whitney Houston live in concert than win this contest. In 142nd place with 3361 points we
have Donnelly's
Danglers, a man who is obviously in the autumn of his life because he’s
performing like a pile of wet leaves.
Occupying the inverse podium of shame,
in joint 143rd place with 3268
points we have the terminal twins of And In Last Place! and Bottom
of the Barrel, inextricably linked like plague and pestilence. Remaining
in 145th place with 3243 points we have Last Man Standing not quite living up to his team name. Finally,
still in last place with 3200 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? who is proof that when it comes to chocolate, resistance is
futile.
At the top of the table, most of the positions have been rearranged like the deckchairs on the Titanic by the crew as it was sinking. Dropping to 10th place with 5861 points we have Peter Leatherland looking for crampons to arrest his slide. Climbing back up to 9th place with 5905 points we have Mack-Aroony staging a recovery even the AA would be proud of. Dropping to 8th place with 5924 points we have Eccles, who recently bought some powdered water but doesn’t know what to add to it. Slipping off the podium and down to 7th place with 5945 points we have Martony Racing 1 awakening from the siesta that caused him to drop off the podium. Climbing up to 6th place with 5962 points we have Erik Estrada, who still has nightmares at an episode from his days as a globetrotting single matelot when, in Bangkok, he was approached by two Thai girls who asked him if he'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lottery. He agreed, and they were right. When they all stripped off they had six matching balls! Rising to 5th place with 5966 points we have Fletch Lives, who, since he gave up working for a living, has now found that if you have enough time everywhere is in walking distance. Climbing to 4th place with 5979 points we have Do'nut Donnelly continuing his slow ascent, like rising damp.
So,
who are our podium posers now? Climbing
back to 3rd place with 6020 points we have Neddie Seagoon, who
avoids diets like Superman avoids Kryptonite.
Remaining in 2nd place with 6102 points we have Hercules
Grytpype-Thynne, a man so short of morals that he’d sell himself for a
shilling. Finally, remaining stubbornly
in first place with 6130 points is Bis
Bravehearts, relishing the fact that this is the only place where a
true Scot is at the top of the table…if you exclude alcohol from the list.
The
next race is the Singapore GP on Sunday 23rd September, which our
Singapore based entrant, Richie Gilbert, will, no doubt, be attending to cheer
on his teams.
Regards,
Lawrence.
