2012 - Race 12 - Belgian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY IS GROWING OLD MANDATORY BUT GROWING UP OPTIONAL?

USELESS FACT:

SURPRISE SEX IS THE BEST THING TO WAKE UP TO, UNLESS YOU’RE IN PRISON.

 

 The Paralypics have been an enlightening and uplifting experience.  Watching them on the TV I am continually amazed at the feats that the participants manage in spite of their disabilities, and astonished at their continued upbeat attitude in the face of disabilities that would defeat mere morals.  Superhuman is a description they have had and deserve.  I have watched with feelings of inadequacy and humility, emotions I find alien and have managed to avoid for all of my 65 years.  Speaking of inadequacy, how did you do in the Belgian GP?

In the Battle of the Genders the women continued their winning ways, winning by 296 points to 288, thus massaging their superiority complex.  In the overall race, the ladies now lead by 4671 points to 4664 and believe that if you give a man a free hand he’ll run it all over you.

So, who qualified to be dropped faster than a cabinet minister in a reshuffle?  In 137^th place with 113 points we have Celebes Racing plumbing the depths for the first time this season.  In 138^th place with 94 points we have Julie Gallagher reappearing like and as welcome as Banquo’s ghost.  In 139^th place with 93 points we have Return of the Mac who is in danger of being sued by Apple for trademark violation.  In 140^th place with 91 points we have LUFC Andy following his recent table topping performance with a table propping performance.  In 141^st place with 89 points we have Mike Banks who is celebrating his new job – congratulations Mike - more than he’ll be celebrating this.  In 142^nd place with 73 points we have Houghton Bird, who, having enjoyed herself on top of the table twice recently now finds herself under the table, figuratively if not literally for once.  In 143^rd place with 61 points we have GazzaF1 making his first embarrassed appearance, like a fat man at a nudist camp.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 47 points we have X-Wing dropping faster than the ratings of X-Factor.  In 145^th place with -1 points we have Stephen Neild suffering the worst kind of déjà vu as he returns like bad curry diarrhoea.  Finally, in last place with -92 points we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer still looking for a way out of the mess he’s got himself into, and having as much luck as a blind man in a maze.

Our decadent decade this time contains seven entrants making their debut at this level thanks to kamikaze driving by Romain Grosjean causing a multiple crash at the start and causing many teams to incur penalties.  In 10^th place with 451 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1 clambering aboard the glory train for the first time.  In 9^th place with 461 points we have MON's Love Machine appearing from the shadows like a burglar on the prowl.  In 8^th place with 468 points we have Michael Maughan, proof that if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, and he finally gets a team in the top ten for the second time, the first time being in 2004.  In 7^th place with 487 points we have Ava Honora rising from the ashes of a disappointing season to save some honour.  In 6^th place with 488 points we have Eccles taking time off from his job of human crash dummy.

Our podium champagne guzzling wallah’s this time are led in joint 3^rd place with 492 points by the tacky triumvirate of Count Jim Moriarty, Hector Santiago and Red Bull Gives You Wins with their impersonation of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.  In 2^nd place with 510 points we have Charlton's Chumps continuing to perform like a yo-yo.  Finally, with 513 points, the winners laurel wreath and trophy for this race go to Tiggywiggy, appearing out of nowhere and blinking in the light like a hedgehog coming out of hibernation, and far less prickly.

All of the teams at the bottom are the same as before, with just two occupants swapping positions.  Rising to 137^th place with 3618 points we have Merlions climbing one place but failing to avoid the continued embarrassment the public revelation brings, like a naked groom strapped to a lamp post with cling film on his stag night.  Sinking to 138^th place with 3589 points we have Team Holynski still looking for salvation without the aid of a lady in uniform beating a tambourine.  In 139^th place with 3496 points we have Blast From The Past whose stature mirrors his performance…he comes up short.  Remaining in 140^th place with 3167 points we have From Marussia With Love who is frightened that the NASA Mars Curiosity rover vehicle will find signs of primitive life as that would mean he could have peer pressure for the first time in his life.  Still in 141^st place with 3015 points we have Erik The Elephant who’s now more desperate than Julian Assange is to find a country that won’t extradite him.  In 142^nd place with 2999 points we have Donnelly's Danglers who feels like he’s driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 143^rd place with 2904 points we have the terminal twins of And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel,  performing like a Krankies tribute act.  Remaining in 145^th place with 2881 points we have Last Man Standing who has more chance of finding sophisticated wit and humour in East Enders than winning anything here.  Finally, still in last place with 2839 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? who is proof that wine does not make you fat, it makes you lean...against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

At the top of the table, most of the positions have been rearranged like toys in a kindergarten and are now as follows.  Dropping to 10^th place with 5380 points we have Mr Fenster falling faster than bank shares in 2008.  In 9^th place with 5399 points we have Erik Estrada who got an e-mail recently from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action, so he sent her his ironing.  Creeping up to 8^th place with 5399 points we have Peter Leatherland who finds creeping easy as he’s built his career progression on that skill.  Slipping to 7^th place with 5457 points we have Neddie Seagoon dropping faster than the value of Facebook shares.  Rocketing up to 6^th place with 5464 points we have Fletch Lives who has reached the age where you choose his cereal for the fibre not the toy.  Rising to 5^th place with 5468 points we have Do'nut Donnelly resisting the temptation to gloat, thus breaking the habits of a lifetime.  Climbing back on the honours list in 4^th place with 5498 points we have Eccles who claims that he once put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

So, who are our podium posers now?  Climbing back to 3^rd place with 5508 points we have Martony Racing 1 moving faster than the forest fires raging around his home in Malaga.  Remaining in 2^nd place with 5580 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, a man who uses the fact that he’s lactose intolerant to justify why he’s devoid of the milk of human kindness.  Finally, remaining stubbornly in first place with 5613 points is Bis Bravehearts, a true Scot and staunch supporter of Scottish devolution, and proof that if you love someone you should set them free, especially if you have more money than them and they have a problem with alcohol and cholesterol.

The next race is the Italian GP at Monza on Sunday 9^th September.

Regards,

Lawrence.