2012 - Race 13 - Italian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

CAN BLIND PEOPLE SEE THEIR DREAMS? 

USELESS FACT:

HOSPITALITY: MAKING YOUR GUESTS FEEL LIKE THEY'RE AT HOME, EVEN IF YOU WISH THEY WERE.

 

I have four fruit trees in my garden, and their crop this year reflects the weather we’ve had this year…very poor.  I have a Victoria Plum tree that normally gives me a crop well in excess of 100 pounds weight, takes two days to pick and gets distributed amongst friends and neighbours.  This year I’ve cleared the plum crop in 10 minutes, getting a total crop of 28 plums.  Yes, 28 plums, not 28 pounds.  My apple trees are also similarly devoid of fruit, with my Russett tree completely bare of fruit.  When they were in blossom in April the weather was very wet, so the heavy rain destroyed the blossoms and the bees stayed in their hives.  So, if you see a bee or any other pollinating insect don’t kill it, help it, as it helps to feed us all.  Anyway, speaking of squashing irritating insects, how did you get on in the Italian GP?

In the Battle of the Genders the men returned to their winning ways, winning by 432 points to 423, thus inflating their enormously oversized ego.  In the overall race, the men now lead by 5096 points to 5094 and don’t care how big their lead is as any advantage they have over the ladies they will take full advantage of.

So, who qualified to be imprisoned in The Tower faster than a paparazzi photographer?  In 137^th place with 310 points we have Bread of Heaven getting as hammered as the Welsh football team last week, and no alcohol was involved.  In 138^th place with 307 points we have Michael Maughan returning to his natural position in life after his brief sojourn at the top of the table in the last race.  In 139^th place with 303 points we have Team NDC finally surfacing like a builder’s bum on a building site; you know it’s there somewhere but you hope you never see it.  In 140^th place with 283 points we have Colin Potts returning for another dose of humiliation, which is like water off a duck’s back.  In 141^st place with 268 points we have Mean Machine 00 who has performed more like the Meek Machine this season.  In 142^nd place with 260 points we have Celtic Heroes performing just like their Glasgow counterparts this season…poorly.   In 143^rd place with 259 points we have Team MON making an appearance as welcome as Margaret Thatcher making a comeback.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 257 points we have Nick's No Hopers, presumably named after the Lib Dem MP’s chances at the next election.  In 145^th place with 228 points we have Lucy Lu making as memorable a debut as Charlie Sheen on his police charge.   Finally, in last place with 220 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1 going from hero to zero as he drops from the top ten to the bottom of the pile.

 

Of our decadent decade this time only one is making their debut at this elevated level.  In 10^th place with 560 points we have Toma's A Team appearing under false pretences as he doesn’t have a B team.  In 9^th place with 561 points we have D&J's Dream Team still dreaming and sleep-walking to respectability.  In 8^th place with 562 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok taking time off from buying time shares in distilleries to stare around in a daze wondering how he got here.  In joint 6^th place with 563 points we have Erik Estrada and Neddie Seagoon, as couple wedded to their enjoyment of a rotund body shape.  In 5^th place with 566 points we have Sidders NDC continuing his recovery like an addict going cold turkey.  In 4^th place with 570 points we have Stephen Neild rising like the Phoenix from the ashes of his previous race to make a highly unexpected top ten debut, but better late than never.

Our podium squatters this time are led in 3^rd place with 584 points by LUFC Andy, another Phoenix rising from the ashes of a separate fire.  In 2^nd place with 586 points we have Bazinga, who was beginning to think she’d never see the light of day ay the top again.  Finally, with 624 points, the winners laurel wreath and trophy for this race go to Mack-Aroony recovering from what she hopes was a temporary lapse in the last race to finally get her hands on the booze.

All of the teams at the bottom remain in exactly the same positions, as motionless as the Chinese terracotta army.  In 137^th place with 4031 points we have Merlions, hoping to get closer to the action in Singapore than he ever will here.   In 138^th place with 4018 points we have Team Holynski looking for someone to blame, but failing, a reflection of his performances this season.  In 139^th place with 3926 points we have Blast From The Past continuing to perform like the volcano that formed Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh…lifeless and extinct.  In 140^th place with 3533 points we have From Marussia With Love threatening to use Polonium-210 to improve his performance, or, more likely, reduce mine.  In 141^st place with 3376 points we have Erik The Elephant  who’s more likely to see Whitney Houston live in concert than win this contest.  In 142^nd place with 3361 points we have Donnelly's Danglers, a man who is obviously in the autumn of his life because he’s performing like a pile of wet leaves.

 

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 143^rd place with 3268 points we have the terminal twins of And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, inextricably linked like plague and pestilence.  Remaining in 145^th place with 3243 points we have Last Man Standing not quite living up to his team name.  Finally, still in last place with 3200 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? who is proof that when it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

At the top of the table, most of the positions have been rearranged like the deckchairs on the Titanic by the crew as it was sinking.  Dropping to 10^th place with 5861 points we have Peter Leatherland looking for crampons to arrest his slide.  Climbing back up to 9^th place with 5905 points we have Mack-Aroony staging a recovery even the AA would be proud of.  Dropping to 8^th place with 5924 points we have Eccles, who recently bought some powdered water but doesn’t know what to add to it.  Slipping off the podium and down to 7^th place with 5945 points we have Martony Racing 1 awakening from the siesta that caused him to drop off the podium.  Climbing up to 6^th place with 5962 points we have Erik Estrada, who still has nightmares at an episode from his days as a globetrotting single matelot when, in Bangkok, he was approached by two Thai girls who asked him if he'd like to go bed with them.  They said it would be just like winning the lottery.  He agreed, and they were right.  When they all stripped off they had six matching balls!  Rising to 5^th place with 5966 points we have Fletch Lives, who, since he gave up working for a living, has now found that if you have enough time everywhere is in walking distance.  Climbing to 4^th place with 5979 points we have Do'nut Donnelly continuing his slow ascent, like rising damp.

 

So, who are our podium posers now?  Climbing back to 3^rd place with 6020 points we have Neddie Seagoon, who avoids diets like Superman avoids Kryptonite.  Remaining in 2^nd place with 6102 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, a man so short of morals that he’d sell himself for a shilling.  Finally, remaining stubbornly in first place with 6130 points is Bis Bravehearts, relishing the fact that this is the only place where a true Scot is at the top of the table…if you exclude alcohol from the list.

 

The next race is the Singapore GP on Sunday 23^rd September, which our Singapore based entrant, Richie Gilbert, will, no doubt, be attending to cheer on his teams.

 

Regards,

Lawrence.