2013 - Race 2 - Malaysian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

AS THERE ARE NOW A RECORD NUMBER OF MALE HAIRDRESSERS, IS THIS MORE EVIDENCE OF OUR DESCENT INTO BARBARISM?

USELESS FACT:

DOLPHINS SLEEP WITH ONE HALF OF THE BRAIN AT A TIME, AND WITH ONE EYE CLOSED.

 

First, for all of the 58 teams that selected Luiz Razia as a driver, he has been replaced by Jules Bianchi.

Last year I was writing the Malaysian GP report with glorious sunshine pouring through the windows, a cold drink to hand, wishing I had a punka wallah to fan me gently to keep me cool.  Glorious spring weather was the order of the day.  How things have changed this year.  Today I write this report again looking out on glorious sunshine but with temperatures 15^oC colder, and with a snow flurry two nights ago it means we’ve now had snow for the seventh month in a row, something I can’t remember in my lifetime.  Global warming?  More like global freezing!  Still, it could be worse.  We could be polar bears wondering where the ice has gone.  So, whose chances of winning now look as likely as a heat wave in Jarrow in January?

In the battle of the genders the men again beat the ladies, this time by the more civilised margin of 459 points to 450.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 925 points to 874, thus maintaining their view that whoever said "women are a dime a dozen" didn't know about the deals you can get on Groupon.

So, who are those without a full set of chromosomes at the bottom?  In 107^th place with 323 points we have I'm The Taxman who maintains he’s doing a job that’s as essential as a dung beetle’s.  In 108th place with 321 points we have BezF1, who is starting to think that the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.  In 109^th place with 319 points we have Ben GP MkII who is an F1 virgin introduced to this bit of buffoonery by someone who should know better, but who performed even worse than him.  In 110^th place with 309 points we have Baja Scoch performing slightly better than in the last race, which Is like saying that death by hanging is better than death by poison.  In 111^th place with 303 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 reverting to type and replacing her first team in the dungeon of despair.  In 112^th place with 296 points we have Nicks Numpties who will find it's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.  In 113^th place with 256 points we have Blanche, who, in spite of the biggest career change I’ve ever known – from mother and qualified practicing solicitor to welder! –shows a lack of steel with this leaden performance.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 254 points we have Larry's Shirt who can’t ever be a teacher because they have to be at least as bright as the children they teach.  In 115^th place with 218 points we have Pedro Gallagher who finds this is less attractive than getting CPR from Vinnie Jones.  Finally, in last place with 217 points we have Dan Johnston who brings me fresh meat to feast on but shows no appetite for the fight.

Now, who occupies our hit parade top ten this time?  In 10^th place with 603 points we have Singing In The Rain who is disappointed that his wild oats have been replaced by prunes and All-Bran.  In 9^th place with 606 points we have Evo who is disappointed because since the snow came all her boyfriend has done is look through the window…if it gets any worse she'll have to let him in.  In joint 7^th place with 610 points we have the pairing of Milton De Silva and Series 6 Episode 45 who are less use than a pair of knickers.  In 6^th place with 611 points we have Paduan Racing who should take a lesson from the weather because it takes no notice of criticism.  In 5^th place with 613 points we have Charlton's Chumps who found it hard getting over his addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but he’s turned himself around and that's what it's all about.  In 4^th place with 614 points we have David Parkin who once scared the postman by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared the postman more; the fact that he was naked or that he knew where the postman lived.

Now, which triptych occupies the podium this time and gets to taste the champagne?  In 3^rd place with 618 points we have Robbie The Reindeer bouncing along on his nose.  In 2^nd place with 619 points we have Brazil or Bust, whose team name reflects the fact that he can’t decide which of his features he likes most; the fact that he’s nuts or that he has moobs.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner this race with 621 points is Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee, who is looking for a better mask to improve his looks, but any mask for him is better than none.

In the overall standings I think we can already see a trend developing at the end where the occupants don’t have the sense God gave a biscuit.  In 107^th place with 675 points we have Pedro Gallagher having as much success here as he has at losing weight.  In 108^th place with 672 points we have Ben GP MkII who has been so inspired by all of the cooking programmes on TV that he now he cooks using the four main food groups …boxed, tinned, frozen and bagged.  In 109^th place with 671 points we have Nicks Numpties finding it is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.  In 110^th place with 669 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit whose performance is more Costa Concordia because so far this team is a wreck.  In 111^th place with 654 points we have Blanche who was hoping to strike it lucky quicker than she can strike an arc.  In 112^th place with 653 points we have Kerrie Goodall 2 slipping further down the evolutionary table and into a coma.  In 113^th place with 636 points we have Mean Machine 00 remaining anchored to the bottom more firmly than Davey Jones locker.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 612 points we have Red Bull Addict perpetuating her genealogical history as her family tree is full of nuts.  In 115^th place with 610 points we have Larry's Shirt who is proud that he started out with nothing and still has most of it.  Finally, in last place with 571 points we have Baja Scoch whose chances of winning would now be described by a physicist as an inclined plane wound helically round an axis…he’s screwed.

Now, who occupies our hit parade top ten and hopes to go platinum?  In 10^th place with 1117 points we have Series 6 Episode 45 who is still searching desperately for a rehab clinic for stupidity.  In joint 8^th place with 1119 points we have David Parkin and Beast Basher, our version of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde without their charm and charisma.  In 7^th place with 1124 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee who didn't realise he was dyslexic until he went to a toga party dressed as a goat.  In 6^th place with 1129 points we have Chaser Slayer who loves strong, powerful women because they can open jars without his help.  In 5^th place with 1131 points we have Brazil or Bust whose wife has a slight impediment in her speech; every now and then she stops to breathe.  In 4^th place with 1132 points we have A Taste Of Honey, who is already getting a taste for the high life at the top table.

Now, who occupy the top rungs on the ladder of success and dream of glory?  In 3^rd place with 1143 points we have Milton De Silva who, now that food has replaced sex in his life, has found that he can't even get into his own pants.  In 2^nd place with 1146 points we have Evo who is preparing herself for the Vulcan death grip that she feels will follow.  Finally, our new leader with 1206 points is Singing In The Rain who feels that growing old is like being penalised for a crime you haven't committed.

The next race is the Chinese GP on Sunday 14^th April.

Regards,

Lawrence.