2013 - Race 3 - Chinese GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

IF SPARE RIBS ARE SPARE, HOW COME CHINESE TAKEAWAYS CHARGE A FORTUNE FOR THEM?

USELESS FACT:

A JEALOUS WOMAN DOES BETTER RESEARCH THAN THE FBI.

I made a resolution before Christmas to try and lose 9lbs in weight to get down to 11st 7lbs.  Sadly I’m not getting any help in my quest.  Christmas didn’t help, feeding my addiction to rich fruit cake in the many forms in which it’s available over the festive season.  The weather isn’t helping, the snow and rain keeping me off my bike when the water level on the roads was higher than my enthusiasm.  Now that the water has stopped falling from the skies the wind has tried to kill me this week when I did manage to get out on the bike.  I’ve decided that steady 25mph headwinds are just manageable, but 50mph side wind gusts in traffic can do serious damage to your bladder control.  All of this means that the band of dormant muscle I carry to keep my belt tight is refusing to budge.  Anyway, whose chances of winning look as if they’ve been blown away in China?

In the battle of the genders we have a clear trend developing as the men completed their hat-trick by beating the ladies again, this time by 428 points to 390.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 1353 points to 1265, thus maintaining their view that women are like blue jeans…they look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.

So, whose toolbox is missing a spanner at the bottom?  In 107^th place with 107 points we have Down Under Girl plumbing depths only beaten by the Marianas Trench.   In 108th place with 254 points we have Robbie The Reindeer falling from the top table to feast on the scraps underneath it.  In 109^th place with 253 points we have Bags, Bags, Bags and More Bags making her first appearance of the season and she could only be more embarrassed if she had also had her skirt stuck in her knickers.  In 110^th place with 245 points we have Evo getting the Vulcan death grip she feared would follow her success in the last race and falling faster than Felix Baumgartner.  In 111^th place with 233 points we have Mr Fenster making his first ever tail-end Charlie appearance in three years, not a good omen for the season ahead.  In 112^th place with 231 points we have Michael Maughan showing all the loyalty of an old Labrador to what he regards as his natural position with a performance that smells as much as an old Labrador.  In 113^th place with 228 points we have Glendinning who has a mild case of kleptomania, but when it gets bad she takes something for it.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 211 points we have Mean Machine 00 whose wife is not speaking to him because he never opened the car door for her. It’s not his fault; he just panicked and swam to the surface.  In 115^th place with 166 points we have Stuart Gunn who bought his wife a pen for her birthday, but it was a waste of money as she escaped in less than an hour.  Finally, in last place with 127 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 who now realises that trying is the first step towards failure.

Now, who hopes their foot fits into the crystal slipper this time?  In 10^th place with 571 points we have Martony Racing One rising to the challenge of trying to repair the damage done to his reputation by his second team.  In 9^th place with 573 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee, who, with his figure and fashion sense, obviously puts the grub into grubby.  In 8^th place with 576 points we have Beast Basher who after all these years still gets a tingle when his wife touches him, but he’s not sure if it’s love or poor circulation.

In 7^th place with 577 points we have Erik The Elephant who thought recently that his last fantasy was going to come true when he was chatted up in a bar by a Cougar who, in spite of her age, looked fantastic.  She asked him “Have you ever fantasised about making love to a mother and daughter at the same time?”  He replied “Yes,” and she asked “Would you like to go back to my place and fulfil your fantasy?”  He said “Yes” and they took a taxi.  When she got home she opened the door and they entered.  Erik closed the door behind him, and then she shouted up the stairs “Mam, are you still awake?”  In 6^th place with 582 points we have Singing In The Rain smiling more than an umbrella seller in a monsoon.  In 5^th place with 590 points we have A Taste Of Honey buzzing with excitement.  In 4^th place with 599 points we have Houghton Bird who was flattered to have a rose named after her until she read the description in the catalogue; '”No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”

Now, which triptych occupies the podium this time and gets to gloat until the next race?  In 3^rd place with 604 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 who is so convinced that her performance will crash she’s already got the whiplash claim form filled in.  In 2^nd place with 613 points we have Peter Leatherland who believes that vegetables are very good for him but has overdosed and is now suffering from greenhouse gas.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner this race with 639 points is Turin Triumph who has thought about taking fish oil, but frankly he’s never seen a fish that looks any healthier than him.

In the overall standings form went out of the window along with the brains of all of the occupants at the bottom.  In 107^th place with 1047 points we have Larry's Shirt which looks like it was designed and assembled by a blind cobbler.  In 108^th place with 1035 points we have Liar, You've Got Antifreeze who says he can't stand those Russian Dolls because they're so full of themselves.  In 109^th place with 1025 points we have Peter Baker who thought his new girlfriend was great, but after nosing through her wardrobe and finding a nurse's uniform, a French maid's outfit and a police woman's uniform has dumped her as it's obvious she can't hold down a job.  In 110^th place with 1015 points we have Red Bull Addict whose chances of winning are now smaller than most bacteria.  In 111^th place with 997 points we have Pedro Gallagher who feels he should get out more...but the doctors disagree.  In 112^th place with 993 points we have Martony Racing Two, who at long last has finished his research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement. The results were, quite frankly, staggering.  In 113^th place with 969 points we have Stuart Gunn who is finding this slightly less enjoyable than having a rectal examination by a North Korean border guard.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 902 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2, whose mother occasionally thinks she should have thrown her away and kept the stork.  In 115^th place with 899 points we have Baja Scoch who used to be a stand-up comic until his knees went.  Finally, in last place with 847 points we have Mean Machine 00 whose performance so far means that Narnia has more chance of hosting the World Cup than he has of winning this year.

Now, who are our daydream believers this time?  In 10^th place with 1640 points we have Milton De Silva who is pleased that every cloud has a silver lining.  In 9^th place with 1646 points we have Peter Leatherland whose eyes water a lot during sex, but he’ll just have to get used to Mace and pepper spray.  Slipping to 8^th place with 1650 points we have Chaser Slayer who recently quit his job working for a one handed typist doing the 'capitals' because he wasn't very happy doing shift work.  Rising to 7^th place with 1651 points we have David Parkin who always has a cup of cocoa and a Viagra just before going to bed. The cocoa helps him sleep and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed.  Climbing to 6^th place with 1669 points we have Erik The Elephant who has been feeling somewhat low after discovering he’s not the world’s greatest lover…he’s just found out his wife’s got asthma.  In 5^th place with 1695 points we have Beast Basher who has said that he will start jogging the first time he sees a jogger smiling.  Rising to 4^th place with 1697 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee who is delighted they have managed to make Viagra in powder form so he can put it in his tea. It doesn't make him want sex, but it does stop his biscuit going soft when he dunks it.

Now, who occupy the top rungs on the ladder of success and dream of glory?  Climbing to the highest position she’s ever attained without the aid of music and a pole, in 3^rd place with 1709 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 who hopes she doesn’t get that dreaded furniture disease where her chest falls into her drawers.  Remaining in 2^nd place with 1722 points we have A Taste Of Honey, whose wife recently complained "You only want sex when your drunk."  He said "That’s not true; sometimes I want a kebab."  Finally, our leader with 1788 points is still Singing In The Rain, whose wife only has two complaints in life... nothing to wear and not enough wardrobe space.

The next race is the Bahrain GP on 21^st April.

Regards,

Lawrence.