2013 - Race 4 - Bahrain GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:
IF LOVE IS BLIND HOW CAN YOU HAVE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

USELESS FACT:

WAR IS AMERICA’S WAY OF TEACHING GEOGRAPHY TO ITS CITZENS.

 

The weather has improved at last, but will it last?  Our group of cycling geriatrics has received with open arms a new celebrity member who is a lot younger and prettier than any of our current crop of wrinklies.  Modesty forbids me disclosing her name but you see her regularly on BBC North East doing the weather.  Her attendance has coincided with an increase in our weekly turnout and an improvement in the weather, both of which we are happy to attribute to her.  Happily she can pedal quite fast so most of us are following her, which makes the view a lot more attractive than following a 70 year old bloke pedalling in such a way that he doesn’t aggravate his hernia.

In the battle of the genders we had another case of déjà vu as the men completed yet another win, beating the ladies this time by 479 points to 469.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 1832 points to 1734, thus maintaining their view that women are like sponges…soft, squeezable, and they retain water.

So, whose lunchbox is missing a sandwich?  In 107^th place with 395 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 doing better than her first team but, as Paul Daniels would say, not a lot.  In 108th place with 380 points we have Mal Fletcher.  After retiring, he went to the Social Security office to apply for his old age pension.  The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age but he said that he had left his wallet at home.  The woman said, “No problem; unbutton your shirt”.  He opened his shirt revealing his curly silver chest hair and she said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she then processed his pension application.  When he got home he told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.  She said, “You should have dropped your pants as well. You might have got disability too.”  In 109^th place with 369 points we have Fellside Fools fooling nobody but himself with this.  In 110^th place with 367 points we have Oh You Went To Eton failing his eleven plus.  In joint 111^th place with 359 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1 completing an embarrassing and unwanted double and Martony Racing Two also falling through the trapdoor of fate.  In 113^th place with 353 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who should be renamed Charlie Min Gallagher.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 350 points we have Whickham Racers breaching the Trade Descriptions Act and being overtaken by virtually everyone.  In 115^th place with 321 points we have Baja Scoch who since turning 40 now knows why the Roman numerals for 40 are XL.  Finally, in last place with 308 points we have Peter Baker who finds that this result matches the morale at work…rock bottom.

Now, who’s the prince and who’s the frog this time?  In 10^th place with 562 points we have Milton De Silva continuing to perform better than he dreamed after his 2011 season of abject mid-table mediocrity forced him to take a sabbatical last year to rebuild his confidence.  In joint 8^th place with 565 points we have Erik Estrada and ROM battling for position like two bald men fighting over a comb.  In 7^th place with 567 points we have David Parkin threatening to display a character trait not previously seen…consistency at the top end.  In 6^th place with 570 points we have Mickey's Motor passing her MoT and flying for once.  In 5^th place with 580 points we have Erik The Elephant who recently returned home to be confronted by his wife saying “What do you mean by coming home half drunk?” to which he innocently replied “It's not my fault. I ran out of money.”  In 4^th place with 585 points we have Singing In The Rain warbling more than Susan Boyle, and looking even less attractive.

Now, which triptych occupies the podium this time and gets to gloat until the next race? 

In 3^rd place with 602 points we have Paul Szomoru rising to a height previously only achievable in his own mind.  In 2^nd place with 604 points we have Beast Basher beating his chest like the silverback he now resembles.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner this race with 610 points is Do'nut Donnelly looking as astonished as he looks downtrodden.

In the overall standings who are the occupants at the bottom, showing that they are the brains behind.  In 107^th place with 1479 points we still have Larry's Shirt failing to make any impression, unlike the real shirt.  Remaining in 108^th place with 1467 points we have Liar, You've Got Antifreeze whose performance is certainly not hot, so the name is most appropriate.  Rising to 109^th place with 1443 points we have Red Bull Addict who is certainly not getting an energy boost from this.  Rising to 110^th place with 1407 points we have Stuart Gunn raising the calibre of his performance.  Static in 111^th place with 1402 points we have Pedro Gallagher who got stopped in the street recently and was asked “What do you know about dwarfs?” to which he replied “Very little.”  Stationary in 112^th place with 1352 points we have Martony Racing Two whose sexy new Chinese neighbour came round and told him she was desperate for a roger. It was only when he had his trousers round his ankles that he realised she wanted to rent her spare room out.  Falling to 113^th place with 1333 points we have Peter Baker feeling the heat which doesn’t bother him as he’s used to it, being a baker.

Leading the inmates on the inverse podium of shame and still in 114^th place with 1297 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 trying to claim squatter’s rights.  Rising from the end of the world to 115^th place with 1270 points we have Mean Machine 00 making progress in small steps, but that’s all you expect with his stature.  Finally, in last place with 1220 points we have Baja Scoch trying to see something funny in this but finding it as funny as an income tax demand.

Now, who are our daydream believers this time?  Plummeting to 10^th place with 2176 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee falling from grace faster than Michael Barrymore.  Rising to 9^th place with 2180 points we have Houghton Bird proving that you can’t keep a good bird down, especially as she does like to be on top.  Remaining in 8^th place with 2189 points we have Chaser Slayer who was recently at the beauty parlour for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.  Rising to 7^th place with 2202 points we have Milton De Silva who refuses to diet on the grounds that if you really weren’t meant to eat at night they wouldn’t put a light in the fridge.  Climbing to 6^th place with 2218 points we have David Parkin trying to keep his light under a bushel, a tactic that has succeeded spectacularly in previous years as he’s like a nuclear submarine on patrol…never surfaced.  Dropping to 5^th place with 2220 points we have A Taste Of Honey who has learnt the hard way that you can’t trust dogs to look after your food.  Rising to 4^th place with 2249 points we have Erik The Elephant who recently went to the dentist for a filling. The dentist offered him a painkilling injection but he said, “No. I can't abide injections.” The dentist said, “OK. What about gas?” Erik refused saying, “I can’t bear to inhale gas.” The dentist said, “What about pills?” “Yes” said Erik, “I can take pills.” The dentist handed him a Viagra and Erik said, “Wow! I didn’t think Viagra was any good for pain.” The dentist said, “It isn’t. I just thought it would give you something to hold onto whilst I'm drilling.”

Now, who occupy the top rungs on the ladder of success and dream of glory this time?  Remaining in the highest position she’s ever attained without substances banned by the World Doping Authority, in 3^rd place with 2268 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 who claims she is not confused, just well mixed.  Rising to 2^nd place with 2299 points we have Beast Basher who upset his mother-in-law recently when she came into the room holding a dress and said, ”Would you like to see me in something long and flowing?” to which he replied, “Yes, the River Tyne.”  Finally, our leader with 2373 points is still Singing In The Rain hoping that his run of good luck can continue so that he can continue to sing and reign.

The next race is the Spanish GP on 12^th May.

Regards,

Lawrence.