2013 - Race 5 - Spanish GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:
IF WOMEN ARE SO GOOD AT MULTITASKING, HOW COME THEY CAN'T HAVE SEX AND A HEADACHE AT THE SAME TIME?

USELESS FACT:

NEVER GO TO A BULIMIA CONVENTION BECAUSE THE PLACE WILL BE HEAVING.

Question: What do you call 13 old guys cycling up mountains?  Answer: Masochists.  After a week in Port de Pollenca, Majorca, cycling 223 miles I’ve come back stronger and fitter than for decades, as three of our six days involved cycling up mountains.  For some of our number this was just a walk in the park, as they’ve cycled for decades and done things like Land’s End to John O’Groats, New York to Los Angeles, and cycled all over Europe.  For me it wasn’t a walk at all, but I managed not to have to get off and walk at all.  My legs no longer have calves but fully developed heifers, and my bum now contains a pair of buns that Greggs would be proud of.  Our first mountain climb, on day one was 2.8km (1.75 miles) rising 200m (652feet) at an average gradient of 7%.  Our longest climb, on day three, was Coll de sa Batalla, 8km (5 miles) rising 400m (1300 feet) at an average gradient of 5%, which took me about 45 minutes while being passed by numerous youngsters, male and female, racing each other to the top, trying to beat this year’s fastest time of 17 minutes 29 seconds, and making me feel grossly inadequate…they had no respect for old men.  Our last mountain day, day five, was only a short ride out and back to the Cap de Formentor lighthouse. Although only 40km (25miles) the route was hilly and packs in 1600m (5200ft) of climbing.  It was at the top of one of the steep climbs on this ride that I accused our leader, who likes cycling up hills, of being a sadist, a comment meant in joke but taken literally by him…sad bugger, but he used to be an accountant and so has no sense of humour.  I now know that the pain in Spain lies mainly in the mountains.  Anyway, how much pain did you endure in Spain?

In the battle of the genders we had a surprise as the men capitulated for the first time this season to the wiles of the fairer sex, falling to defeat by the ladies by 498 points to 491.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 2323 points to 2232, thus maintaining their view that women drivers are like stars in the sky…you can see them, but they can't see you.

So, whose wall is missing a brick?  In 107^th place with 375 points we have Force Sloth Racing falling like an over indulgent teenager after too much partying in Magaluf.  In 108th place with 366 points we have The Wise One showing that his team name is an oxymoron.  In 109^th place with 357 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee crashing back to earth after having his head in the clouds.  In 110^th place with 332 points we have Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes! finding this more painful than walking on hot coals.  In 111^th place with 330 points we have Chaser Slayer finding out what it feels like to be Goliath rather than David.  In 112^th place with 329 points we have On the Right Track? who’s lost his way and looks like he needs a new TomTom.  In 113^th place with 318 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb surfacing for the first time this season, and wishing he’s stayed asleep.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 315 points we have Peter Baker displaying a level of consistency rarely seen outside an asylum.  In 115^th place with 275 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher being given a start in life akin to that immortalised by Johnny Cash in “A Boy Named Sue.”  Finally, in last place with 269 points we have Parking at Rascasse wishing that he was in Monaco like his name, rather than manacled like his chances.

Now, who’s the prince and who’s the pauper this time?  In 10^th place with 607 points we have Labbett Lambaster resurfacing like a cold sore.  In 9^th place with 609 points we have Pedro Leatherland astounding not just himself but medical science as well.  In 8^th place with 612 points we have Cymru F1 taking himself to a higher level, like climbing Snowdon.  In 7^th place with 619 points we have Martony Racing One breaking the habit of a lifetime and continuing his run of good form.  In 6^th place with 624 points we have Turin Triumph taking the time to trek towards the top.  In 5^th place with 627 points we have I'm The Taxman who works for the Inland Revenue Service and likes it when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together because it spells "Theirs."  In 4^th place with 629 points we have Verbalkint hoping this is the start he hoped would start two months ago in Australia.

Now, which triumvirate occupies the podium this time?  In 3^rd place with 643 points we have Catch Me If You Can catching his breath and some attention at last.  In 2^nd place with 658 points we have Cheeky Monkey leaping from nowhere and feeling like a top banana.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner this race with 662 points is Peter Leatherland looking smug beyond belief, a look he has perfected over many years.

In the overall standings who are the occupants at the bottom, hoping they won’t have to show theirs in Fenwick’s window at the end of the season?  Falling to 107^th place with 1922 points we have Parking at Rascasse feeling like he’s had a parking ticket.  Rising slightly to 108^th place with 1885 points we have Red Bull Addict getting the boost she needs to start to lift her clear of a life of debauchery.  Rising to 109^th place with 1840 points we have Pedro Gallagher who is grateful for small mercies.  Remaining in 110^th place with 1802 points we have Stuart Gunn aiming to improve but wondering how.  Rising to 111^th place with 1791 points we have Martony Racing Two hoping that he can increase his rate of climb as easily as he can increase his heart rate.  Rising to 112^th place with 1782 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 getting off the podium of shame and hoping to get into a position of anonymity.  Falling to 113^th place with 1761 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher wondering if he should ring Child Line when he’s old enough to use a phone.

Leading the inmates on the inverse podium of shame and climbing to 114^th place with 1710 points we have Mean Machine 00 climbing at a slower rate than he managed when climbing Kilimanjaro.  Slipping further into the den of iniquity in 115^th place with 1648 points we have Peter Baker proving he wasn’t lying when he entered and said he knew nothing about F1.  Finally, still in last place with 1632 points we have Baja Scoch who now has less chance of winning this competition than I have of winning Miss World.

Now, who are our daydream believers this time?  Rising to 10^th place with 2668 points we have Ayr Town Centre looking more inviting than the real thing.  Falling to 9^th place with 2673 points we have David Parkin hoping that reality hasn’t kicked in.  Rising to 8^th place with 2718 points we have Paul Szomoru enjoying eating at the top table fpor the first time.  Falling to 7^th place with 2731 points we have A Taste Of Honey suffering his biggest taste of disappointment so far.  Climbing to 6^th place from 9^th place with 2760 points we have Houghton Bird making a move she has great experience of as 6 and 9 are her favourite positions.  Dropping to 5^th place with 2798 points we have Erik The Elephant who recently became a knight in shining armour when he found a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car. She looks on amazed as Erik removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball and rubbed them against the car door. Magically it opened. “That's so clever," the woman gasped. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replied Erik.  "These are my khakis."  Rising to 4^th place with 2821 points we have Peter Leatherland whose top ten performance this season resembles the Hokey Cokey …in, out, in, out, in.  Let’s all hope he doesn’t shake it all about.

Now, who occupy the top rungs on the ladder of success and dream of glory this time?  Dropping to 3^rd place with 2835 points we have Beast Basher who occasionally thinks he would like to go back to his youth, until he remembers calculus and algebra.  Rising to 2^nd place with 2864 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 trying hard not to wet herself with excitement at the thought that she may at last have picked a team to get her to the top of the tree like the Christmas fairy.  Finally, our leader with 2897points is still Singing In The Rain, who recently decided he wanted to change his electricity supplier, so he signed up with Paddy Power.

The next race is the Monaco GP on 26^th May.

Regards,

Lawrence.