2013 - Race 6 - Monaco GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY IS IT CALLED A "DRIVE THROUGH" IF YOU HAVE TO STOP?

USELESS FACT:

IF SEX IS A PAIN IN THE ASS THEN YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

 

I’m concerned about a large UFO I’ve seen this week hovering over our house during the day but which disappears at night.  It is round, yellow, you can’t look at it directly, and it gives off quite a bit of heat when it’s not obscured by clouds.  It reminds me of something from my youth, but I can’t quite remember what it is because I haven’t seen it for so long. No doubt I’ll be able to read about it in the papers.  I’ll just have to buy a copy of The Sun.  Hang on.  That‘s it!  It’s the sun!  I was beginning to think the EU had banned us from getting any sunshine to save us from skin cancer.  Speaking of sunny places, how did you get on in Monaco?

In the battle of the genders normal service was resumed as the men extracted revenge, defeating the ladies by 503 points to 488.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 2826 points to 2720, thus maintaining their view that women are like egg timers because over time all the weight shifts to the bottom.

So, whose lunch is missing a sandwich?  In 107^th place with 371 points we have Mustang Sally whose team should be renamed Must Do Better.  In 108th place with 359 points we have Catch Me If You Can being easily caught as he falls flat on his face with the equal largest fall from grace in consecutive races this season.  In 109^th place with 355 points we have Honeycombover with a performance as toothless as his comb.  In 110^th place with 354 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 falling like a drunk off a ladder.  In 111^th place with 346 points we have Do'nut Donnelly who has gone from hero in Bahrain to zero here.  In 112^th place with 345 points we have ROM, which must stand for right old mess.  In 113^th place with 325 points we have Chaser Slayer going from the ridiculous to the downright stupid, which is totally in character for him.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 314 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb digging a deeper grave in which to expire.  In 115^th place with 306 points we have Team Kaisha whose chances of glory are now as mangled as a blind cobbler’s thumb.  Finally, in last place with 256 points we have Honey Monster with a performance more annoying than getting a paper cut from an eviction notice.

Now, who’s the statue and who’s the pigeon this time?  In 10^th place with 626 points we have Virgin On The Impossible fighting off Richard Branson trying to claim anything with virgin in its name.  In 9^th place with 632 points we have In Arsene We Rust getting out the WD40 to improve performance and stop the rust.  In 8^th place with 651 points we have Evo returning for some glory instead of sackcloth and ashes.  In 7^th place with 661 points we have Bags, Bags, Bags and More Bags getting the attention she craves without the need spend more money.  In 6^th place with 662 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee thankful for the joint largest race on race improvement so far this season.  In 5^th place with 663 points we have Paul Szomoru continuing to perform higher than his pay grade.  In 4^th place with 666 points we have Force Sloth Racing also grateful for the joint largest race on race improvement so far this season.

Now, which triumvirate occupies the podium this time?  In 3^rd place with 676 points we have Willy Wonka feeling like he’s just found a golden ticket.  In 2^nd place with 689 points we have Robbies Banger Racing feeling like a banger and needing a little prick to stop him exploding; so no problem there then.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner this race with a stonking huge 771 points is Pedro Leatherland replacing his alter ego at the top of the podium and delighted to have someone describe his performance as huge for the first time.

In the overall standings who are the derriere debutants?  Sinking to 107^th place with 2365 points we have Blanche showing all the flotation qualities of one of her metal sculptures.  Rising slightly to 108^th place with 2351points we have Stuart Gunn performing as well as an inflatable dartboard.  Dropping like a stone to 109^th place with 2336 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb showing he’s as much use as glow in the dark sunglasses.  Slipping to 110^th place with 2317 points we have Red Bull Addict who went into the kitchen one morning and found her boyfriend face down and not breathing. She panicked, not knowing what to do, and then she remembered McDonalds do breakfast until 10.30am.  Falling to 111^th place with 2311 points we have Liar, You've Got Antifreeze feeling the chill as all hope drains from him.  Remaining in 112^th place with 2278 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 putting up as much fight as an ice cream in a heatwave.  Stationary in 113^th place with 2236 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher pleased that he’s stopped falling as he doesn’t have a safety net.

Leading the inmates on the inverse podium of shame and climbing to 114^th place with 2186 points we have Peter Baker continuing to show that his team is as much use as a screen door on a submarine.  Slipping further into the den of iniquity in 115^th place with 2134 points we have Mean Machine 00 showing that his team’s as much use as giving a blind man a book on how to read.  Finally, still in last place with 2084points we have Baja Scoch who is now banned from being in an enclosed space with other people in case he affects them through passive stupidity.

Now, who are our daydream believers this time?  Crashing down to 10^th place with 3218 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 fearing that her 15 minutes of fame may have come to an end.  Rising to 9^th place with 3231 points we have Ayr Town Centre who, like the town centre, is in need of a face lift to bring him up to date.  Slipping to 8^th place with 3245 points we have A Taste Of Honey continuing to slide down gently, like honey dripping off a spoon.  Rising to 7^th place with 3267 points we have Milton De Silva returning, like Jose Mourinho, for another crack at the top.  Remaining in 6^th place with 3287 points we have Houghton Bird who maintains that a high position is a perquisite for her participation.  Dropping again to 5^th place with 3335 points we have Beast Basher looking for some superglue to stop him sliding further.  Rising to 4^th place with 3347 points we have Erik The Elephant squeezing up one place and threatening to crush all those above him to death.

Now, who are standing on the shoulders of giants and dream of glory this time?  Rising to 3^rd place with 3359 points we have Peter Leatherland breaking his normal pattern by rising and not falling back.  Rocketing up to 2^nd place with 3381 points we have Paul Szomoru rising faster than my blood pressure…why can’t I get a ghost writer to do this, the sun’s shining?  Finally, our leader with 3436 is still Singing In The Rain, who may be singing but he’s no Frank Sinatra, more Frankenstein.

The next race is the Canadian GP on 9^th June.

Regards,

Lawrence.