2013 - Race 7 - Canadian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY ARE BARGAINS ALWAYS FOR THINGS YOU DON’T NEED AT PRICES YOU CAN’T RESIST?

USELESS FACT:

THE SHINBONE IS A DEVICE FOR FINDING FURNITURE IN A DARK ROOM.

 

I commence writing this in a completely relaxed state having just returned with Lady Audrey from a couple of days getting away from the kids and being pampered at Linden Hall to celebrate our 37^th wedding anniversary.  Relaxation and excessive indulgence were the orders of the day.  The part we enjoyed most involved copious quantities of champagne and strawberries in the preamble to the main event.  I know I have been banging on about my bike riding exploits recently, but Lady Audrey is very impressed with my increased level of fitness and stamina and she’s very happy for me to keep banging on riding.  Anyway, who else is celebrating after the Canadian GP?

In the battle of the genders the men continue to dominate the ladies without the need for handcuffs, defeating them this time by 536 points to 515. In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 3361 points to 3235, thus maintaining their view that a woman’s work is never done because they don’t get up early enough.

So, whose wall is missing a brick?  In 107^th place with 432 points we have Baja Scoch inhabiting his usual territory.  In 108^th place with 431 points we have Stew the Brew showing that he’s no special brew, but it looks like he’d been drinking it when he picked his team.  In 109^th place with 428 points we have Martony Racing Two who is rapidly becoming the black sheep of the family.  In joint 110^th place with 425 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1 and Peter Baker, a good example of the blind leading the blind drunk.  In 112^th place with 410 points we have Flip Me Again appearing for the first time and being as welcome as Joe Kinnear.  In 113^th place with 407 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb bombing out again.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 401 points we have Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes! walking slowly to the gallows of despair.  In 115^th place with 380 points we have Stuart Gunn returning to old habits like an alcoholic dying for a drink.  Finally, in last place with 322 points we have Parking at Rascasse back in the doghouse again.

Now, who’s the zebra and who’s the crossing this time?  In 10^th place with 646 points we have Cymru F1 making a comeback, unlike his rugby team in Japan.  In 9^th place with 648 points we have Paul Szomoru continuing to confound medical and psychiatric science.  In 8^th place with 650 points we have Martony Racing One trying to make amends for his wayward twin.  In 7^th place with 653 points we have Turin Triumph turning cartwheels and wine into water.  In 6^th place with 655 we have Paduan Racing speeding into the upper reaches of his imagination.  In 5^th place with 656 points we have The Taxman's Taken All My Dough doing a good impression of George Osborne.  In 4^th place with 657 points we have Evo returning again for more ego polishing.

Now, which triumvirate occupies the podium this time and get to gloat?  On the podium for the second race in a row in 3^rd place with 659 points we have Pedro Leatherland looking as shocked as Nigella Lawson after telling her husband to get a grip.  In 2^nd place with 673 points we have Ayr Town Centre hoping there will not be any early closing.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 689 points is once again Peter Leatherland succeeding his Latin cousin as race winner and starting an internecine war to determine which of them is best.

In the overall standings who are the dunny dwellers this time?  Sinking to 107^th place with 2770 points we have Liar, You've Got Antifreeze watching his chances of glory get colder than a British summer.  Making a bid for freedom and rising to 108^th place with 2768 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher learning to count at a tender age so that he can work out how many days it will be before he’s old enough to leave home.  Rising one place to 109^th place with 2757 points we have Red Bull Addict who needs a caffeine boost if he wants to rise any faster.  Slipping to 110^th place with 2743 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb still looking for a fuse to get started.  Climbing to 111^th place with 2737 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 who is grateful for small mercies and hopes I will show some.  Dropping faster than my savings to 112^th place with 2731 points we have Stuart Gunn still playing Russian roulette.  Dropping like a stone to 113^th place with 2688 points we have Parking at Rascasse trying to write a new definition of failure.

The inmates on the inverse podium of shame remain unchanged, like a child’s dirty nappy.  In 114^th place with 2611 points we have Peter Baker showing that his team is well past its use by date.  Remaining in the den of iniquity in 115^th place with 2575 points we have Mean Machine 00 showing his skill at premonitions as the 00 in his team name is almost the same as his score.  Finally, still in last place with 2516 points we have Baja Scoch who has found out what is wrong with his brain…on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left.

Now, who are our daydream believers this time?  Crashing down to 10^th place with 3801 points we have A Taste Of Honey finding it hard to cling on to his place, let alone his senses.  Dropping like a stone to 9^th place with 3837 points we have Beast Basher being more bashed than bashing.  Slipping to 8^th place with 3853 points we have Milton De Silva fearing the worst and finding he was right to.  Rising to 7^th place with 3860 points we have Pedro Leatherland finally making it into the upper echelon as he pursues his colonial slave master.  Remaining in 6^th place with 3871 points we have Houghton Bird putting on her slap and strutting her stuff again.  Rising again to 5^th place with 3904 points we have Ayr Town Centre being more successful than the town centres where Mary Portas has been involved.  Remaining in 4^th place with 3966 points we have Erik The Elephant celebrating his escape from the zoo.

Now, who have dreams of glory this time?  Slipping to 3^rd place with 4029 points we have Paul Szomoru hoping that he’s not losing his grip, much like Charles Saatchi.  Sneaking up one place to 2^nd with 4048 points we have Peter Leatherland trying to escape the stalker masquerading as his Latin cousin.  Finally, our leader with 4072 points is still Singing In The Rain, but as his lead is squeezed smaller again his voice is now more castrato than contralto. 

The next race is the British GP on 30^th June.

Regards,

Lawrence.