2013 - Race 8 - British GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

IF FEATHERS TICKLE WHY AREN'T BIRDS ALWAYS GIGGLING?

USELESS FACT:

WHEN IT COMES TO CHOCOLATE, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

 

I’m in a bit of a state at the moment and as confused as a Pirelli Tyres executive.  Our daughter, Faye, and her husband, Richard, have been living with us since they got married in August 2012, but, hopefully, they have finally found a house of their own with a lot of help from the bank of Mam and Dad, so you know where most of my winnings from The Chase have gone.  We are now at the mercy of solicitors and mortgage providers as it has been bought under auction conditions and we have six weeks to complete the purchase.  May God have mercy on us all.  Anyway, whose chances at Silverstone exploded like a Pirelli tyre?

In the battle of the genders the men got their comeuppance as the ladies won by 453 points to 431. In the overall race the men still lead the ladies by 3792 points to 3688, thus maintaining their view that girls are like photocopiers…once they’re turned off it takes a while to warm them up again.

So, whose lunchbox is missing a sandwich?  In 107^th place with 337 points we have Paduan Racing appearing at the other end of the results table for the first time.  In 108^th place with 327 points we have Oh You Went To Eton looking like an Eton Mess pudding.  In 109^th place with 323 points we have Sunday Night Lights making his seasonal debut and ruining his record of anonymous mediocrity.  In joint 110^th place with 318 points we have Martony Racing Two and Whickham Racers, the lame leading the lame duck.  In 112^th place with 317 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who is applying to be enrolled on the Child Protection Register.  In 113^th place again with 314 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb continuing to perform with all the explosive power of a sherbet dip.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 312 points we have David Parkin reverting to type again and ruining what had been an above average season so far.  In 115^th place with 284 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1 continuing to plumb depths that frighten experienced submariners.  Finally, in last place with 272 points we have Milton De Silva crashing faster than Northern Rock did.

Now, who’s the zebra and who’s the crossing this time?  In 10^th place with 523 points we have Willy Wonka reappearing like a Will O’ The Wisp.  In 9^th place with 529 points we have Robbie The Reindeer rebounding from obscurity.  In 8^th place with 531 points we have Down Under Girl finally climbing up from down under the rock where she has been hiding.  In joint 6^th place with 533 we have Jody Scheckter trying to repair the damage done to the image of South African sporting heroes by Oscar Pistorius, and Pedro Leatherland continuing his run of good luck results.  In 5^th place with 542 points we have Honey, Honey experiencing the sweet taste of success for the first time.  In 4^th place with 555 points we have Bad Day At Work having anything but that for the first time this season.

Who are those on the podium glowing without Ready Brek this time?  In 3^rd place with 556 points we have Turin Triumph improving his appearance better than Mr Muscle could ever do.  In 2^nd place with 564 points we have Claire Teuma who wishes her name was Claire Voyant so she could do this more often.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 567 points is Lucy Locket's Rocket soaring to prominence like a Saturn V on its way to the moon.

In the overall standings who are the rain clouds on a sunny day this time?  Sinking to 107^th place with 3165 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1 with part one of a gruesome twosome for Hezza.  Continuing her bid for freedom and rising to 108^th place with 3154 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 completing the humiliation and desperately trying to prove that they’re not second best in their team and almost succeeding, if you can call this success.  Rising one place to 109^th place with 3145 points we have Parking at Rascasse continuing his bid for anonymous respectability above the bottom ten places.  Slipping to 110^th place with 3131 points we have Martony Racing Two in a position that is almost equal to his age but looks far less attractive.  Climbing to 111^th place with 3099 points we have Stuart Gunn starting to fizz and hoping it’s not going to fizzle out.  Dropping faster than my savings to 112^th place with 3085 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who can recite the phone numbers for ChildLine and the NSPCC by heart as he is sick of being abused like this.  Escaping the podium of shame and rising to 113^th place with 3059 points we have Mean Machine 00 putting the mean into meander, the path that his team takes around the track.

Now, which triumvirate occupying the inverse podium of shame are putting the ripe into tripe this time?  Dropping to 114^th place with 3057 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb collapsing like a pack of cards in a gale.  Slipping further into the den of iniquity in 115^th place with 2993 points we have Peter Baker who has started to eat bicarbonate of soda in the hope that it will make him rise.  Finally, still in last place with 2881points we have Baja Scoch remaining as unchanged as a tramp’s underpants.

Now, who are our daydream believers this time?  Slipping again to 10^th place with 4273 points we have Beast Basher feeling angrier than Alan Pardew when told he’d answer to Joe Kinnear.  In 9^th place with 4276 points we have Turin Triumph rising like a fart in the bath.  Rising to 8^th place with 4310 points we have Evo hoping this will evolve into something better, just like her life.  Slipping to 7^th place with 4338 points we have Houghton Bird hurling abuse at being evicted, so it’s just like being in the pub for her.  Slipping to 6^th place with 4378 points we have Ayr Town Centre falling like the shop occupancy rate.  Rising again to 5^th place with 4393 points we have Pedro Leatherland continuing his quest for world domination.  Remaining in 4^th place with 4421 points we have Erik The Elephant who appears to be as stuck as the Bank Rate.

Now, who have dreams of glory this time?  Slipping from the peak to 3^rd place with 4435 points we have Singing In The Rain who is not singing now but crying in his beer.  Sneaking up one place to 2^nd with 4461 points we have Paul Szomoru continuing to hope he won’t be a bridesmaid and not the bride.  Finally, our new leader with 4534 points is Peter Leatherland who rises one place again to assume the mantle of pretender to the throne.

The next race is the German GP on 7^th July.

Regards,

Lawrence.