2013 - Race 9 - German GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO BE BEFORE YOU DIE OF OLD AGE?

USELESS FACT:

EVENTUALLY YOU WILL REACH A POINT WHEN YOU STOP LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE AND START BRAGGING ABOUT IT.

 

In a month when British sporting prowess includes the Lions victory over the Aussies, Andy Murray’s victory over Novak Djokavic at Wimbledon, the Aussies being mauled in the Ashes, Chris Froome winning the Tour de France, and Lee Westwood and Ian Poulter almost winning the Open Golf Championship – congratulations to Phil Mickelson – we now come to the hardest sporting championship to win…our bit of high speed fun.  The ninth leg of the marathon that takes us all over the world took us to Germany where exhibitionists don lederhosen and slap their thighs.  So, who is going to get a slapping for their performance at the Nürburgring?

In the battle of the genders the men rediscovered their testosterone and won by 448 points to 423. In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 4240 points to 4111, thus maintaining their view that girls are like wolves. If you want one, you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.

So, whose dart is missing a flight?  In 107^th place with 344 points we have Mark Thompson emerges from the comatose state he has inhabited so far this season to be greeted by humiliation.  In 108^th place with 343 points we have Larry's Shirt reappearing without sunglasses for the unfortunate observers.  In joint 109^th place with 330 points we have Blanche and Cheeky Monkey with a performance that is homage to Burke and Hare…dead and buried.  In 111^th place with 329 points we have Pedro Gallagher wishing he was in Mexico instead of deep doo doo.  In 112^th place with 322 points we have Dr. S debuting as painful as an impacted wisdom tooth.  In 113^th place again with 283 points we have Whickham Racers continuing to make a mockery of the time and effort he put into selecting his team.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 269 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 making another unwelcome appearance…like athletes foot.  In 115^th place with 259 points we have Baja Scoch still looking for divine intervention but only finding the Devil again.  Finally, in last place with 187 points we have Mustang Sally trying to steer this horse away from the knacker’s yard…and failing.

Now, who’s suddenly experienced a rise in to an area they didn’t expect?  In joint 9^th place with 544 points we have the triumvirate of Beast Basher, Martony Racing One and Robbie The Reindeer, or, as I prefer to think of them, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.  In 8^th place with 545 points we have ROM, proving it doesn’t stand for right old mess.  In 7^th place with 557 points we have Robbies Banger Racing bringing up an unlikely top ten double for our doppelgänger for Wee Jimmy Krankie.  In 6^th place with 558 we have Cymru F1 climbing to the highest position he’s achieved since scaling Snowdon.  In 5^th place with 559 points we have Pedro Leatherland with his fifth consecutive finish in the top ten…greedy beggar.  In 4^th place with 566 points we have Chaser Slayer continuing to oscillate between despair and delight.

Who are those on the podium glowing without the aid of excessive radiation exposure this time?  In joint 2^nd place with 574 points we have Paul Szomoru continuing to perform out of his skin, and Virgin On The Impossible wishing this was second place in the EuroMillions Lottery so she could afford another shopping trip.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 606 points is Erik Estrada remembering what champagne tastes like after his long dry run.

In the overall standings whose parade got rained on this time?  Sinking to 107^th place with 3572 points we have Liar, You've Got Antifreeze proving as useless as antifreeze in a heat wave.  Mounting a bid for freedom and rising to 108^th place with 3554 points we have Stuart Gunn firing less than Lord Sugar.  Slipping further into the den of iniquity to 109^th place with 3528 points we have Hezza's Heroes 1 who is only able to hold her head high in her house.  Leaping like a salmon in an effort to escape and rising to 110^th place with 3496 points we have Mean Machine 00 hoping this is the start of the greatest comeback since Lazarus.  Dropping faster than my savings to 111^th place with 3492 points we have Martony Racing Two looking for sanctuary more than Julian Assange and Edward Snowden combined.  Escaping the inverse podium of shame and rising to 112^th place with 3463 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb still keeping his powder dry but it’s now well past it’s use by date.  Slipping faster than his nappy to 113^th place with 3442 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who will need growth hormone treatment to repair the damage of being hammered into the ground here. 

Now, which triumvirate occupying the inverse podium of shame are putting the pee into speed this time?  Dropping to 114^th place with 3423 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 facing more pubic public embarrassment than Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods combined.  Slipping further into the den of iniquity in 115^th place with 3356 points we have Peter Baker whose chances of escaping are now slimmer than dental floss.  Finally, still in last place with 3140 points we have Baja Scoch continuing to perform with less substance than a stripper’s thong.

Now, who are our daydream believers this time?  Climbing to 10^th place with 4750 points we have Turin Triumph clinging on by extensive use of that well known Italian business practice…bribery.  Slipping to 9^th place with 4765 points we have Evo hoping that she can become Evostick and stop sliding.  Rising to 8^th place with 4817 points we have Beast Basher hoping he has now got his performance out of reverse.  Slipping to 7^th place with 4868 points we have Ayr Town Centre finding that there are objections to his plans.  Climbing back to her favourite position of 6^th place with 4872 points we have Houghton Bird raising the bar bill again.  Slipping back to 5^th place with 4935 points we have Erik The Elephant stomping around like a bear with a sore head.  Climbing to 4^th place with 4952 points we have Pedro Leatherland continuing his extraordinary rise from the depths, like the creature from the black lagoon.

Now, who have delusions of glory this time?  Stuck in 3^rd place with 4968 points we have Singing In The Rain hitting a dud note once again.  Slipping to 2^nd with 4980 points we have Peter Leatherland looking worriedly over his shoulder to see if his twin brother is catching him.  Finally, rising to the top our new leader with 5035 points is Paul Szomoru with his impression of Dusty Bin as he goes 3-2-1 in consecutive races.

The next race is the Hungarian GP on 28^th July.

Regards,

Lawrence.