2014 - Race 17 - USA GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY ARE SOFTBALLS HARD?

USELESS FACT:

WITH SUFFICIENT THRUST, PIGS FLY JUST FINE.

Now let’s see if I can get this report right after publishing a part finished report with so many mistakes after the Russian GP.  I plead lack of practice following my enforced reports absence.  Anyway, enough of my pleading, I do enough of that at home as it is, especially at bedtime.  Anyway, whose performance in Austin made them feel like Steve Austin, the 6 Million Dollar Man, or feel like they were driving an Austin?

In the battle of the genders the men won again, winning by 423 points to 408, thus extending their overall lead to 7461 points to 7241 and reinforcing their view that marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

In 84^th place with 295 points we have Hezza's Hero's climbing closer to a position where she can achieve her ambition of anonymity.  In 85^th place with 289 points we have On the Right Track whose name is an oxymoron if ever there was one.  In 86^th place with 279 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust going the same way as the price of oil…down.  In 87^th place with 274 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins with another flat off key performance.  In 88^th place again with 249 points we have Do'nut Donnelly failing to hit the sweet spot again.  In 89^th place again with 244 points we have Team Mackarel with another performance she’s got a lot to be koi about.  In 90^th place with 229 points we have I'm The Taxman working hard and getting very little out of it, just like the rest of us when the taxman gets involved.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91st place with 215 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb failing to find his detonator.  In 92^nd place with 188 points we have Honeycombover failing to cover his inadequacies again.  In 93^rd and last place with 126 points we have FlippersDivers V1 who is in a hole and still digging furiously.

Our top ten this time has more than a touch of déjà vu about it.  In 10^th place with 543 points we have Henry's Cars continuing to perform at a level that has taken his Dad years to accomplish.   In 9^th place with 545 points we have Debbie Does Dallas showing what she can do when she’s given her head.  In 8^th place with 570 points we have Antenociticus wanting other to sacrifice themselves on an altar to him.  In 7^th place with 574 points we have Baja Scoch 2 still performing at a level that defies logic and medical science.  In 6^th place with 603 points we have Breaking Down Bad trying to break down the gap between him and the podium.  In 5^th place with 611 points we have Titan Uranus squeezing everything out that he can in an effort to maintain his climb up the table.  In 4^th place with 613 points we have Thor's Hammer returning after his mid-season hibernation to make some noise again.

Over podium squatters this time have all been here before.  In 3^rd place with 616 points we have Stig Of The Dump rising to the top like mould on milk.  In 2^nd place with 645 points we have Deb's Delights being presented for public acclaim like a debutant at her coming out ball.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner for the fourth time this season with 680 points is Glutæus Maximus who cements his position better than a mobster burying a body in the foundations of a motorway flyover.

In the overall standings the same inmates are occupying the cells at the bottom, just the positions have altered in a number of cases, making as much sense as rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.  Rising to 84^th place with 5910 points we have Hugh Janus lifting his position if not his morale…or morals.  Dropping to 85^th place with 5886 points we have On the Right Track still going up a dead end.  Rising to 86^th place with 5865 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 rising one place to justify the +1 in his name.  Slipping down to 87^th place with 5794 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins with another out of tune performance.  Rising to 88^th place with 5612 points we have La Dolce Vita whose idea of living the sweet life is a hot meal in McDonalds.  Dropping to 89^th place with 5518 points we have Do'nut Donnelly whose idea of living the sweet life is putting sugar in his tea.  Stuck in 90^th place with 5463 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust which describes the owners of Manchester City and how the team are performing.

Our inverse podium of shame occupants are the same.  In 91^st place with 5365 points we have Team Mackarel whose performance this season has been a load of pollocks.  Stuck in 92^nd place with 5308 points we have Hezza's Hero's who believes in making progress slowly, but a glacier makes progress faster than this.  Still anchored in 93^rd and last place with 4724 points we have FlippersDivers V1, the only team to have been in the bottom ten places overall all season and is now using a JCB to dig the hole deeper.

Now, who is at the top of the tree and secretly polishing their acceptance speech like a hopeful Oscar nominee?  In 10^th place with 9349 points we have Debbie Does Dallas maintaining her position, of which she knows many.  Also static in 9^th place with 9428 points we have Thor's Hammer making sparks fly.  Slipping to 8^th place with 9690 points we have Kaiser who is now going backwards faster than the Italian army.  Rising to 7^th place with 9584 points we have Stig Of The Dump hoping that with one further big effort he can dump on those around him and get into a mlney position.  Falling off the podium due to excess champagne and collapsing to 6^th place with 9585 points we have Bad Hat Harry hoping to come with a late charge, like the taxman with a late tax demand.  Also falling off the podium to 5^th place with 9619 points we have Evo who is off the podium for the first time since race 2 and wondering how life can be so cruel.  Continuing her ascent and climbing again to 4^th place with 9641 points we have Deb's Delights wetting herself with excitement at getting into a money position and hoping to stay there.

We have two new occupants on the podium, and, as Meatloaf said, two out of three ain’t bad.  Climbing back onto the podium in 3rd place with 9690 points we have Titan Uranus sweating at the thought that he might have to break the habit of a lifetime and give some money to charity.  In 2^nd place with 9700 points we have Breaking Down Bad finally getting the reward for the many sleepless nights he said he had picking his team, when he was really attending to his young son and late night feeds.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our leader with 10232 points is still Glutæus Maximus whose lead is now almost larger than his ego…if that was possible.

The next race is the Brazil GP on Sunday 9^th November.

Regards,

Lawrence.