2014 - Race 18 - Brazilian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

IF LOVE IS BLIND HOW CAN YOU HAVE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

USELESS FACT:

THE SPEED WITH WHICH A WOMAN SAYS "NOTHING" WHEN ASKED "WHAT'S WRONG" IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONATE TO THE SEVERITY OF THE STORM THAT IS ON THE WAY.

Autumn has arrived at last and shaken me out of the torpor that the Indian summer had induced in me.  My winter cycling kit has come out of mothballs and a new breathable waterproof Gore-tex jacket ordered to stop me getting wet from the inside while pedalling hard in my current non-breathable waterproof jacket which makes a good impression of being a mobile sauna. So, who is in a sweat after Brazil and who is going nuts?

In the battle of the genders the men, boringly, won again, winning by 509 points to 496, thus extending their overall lead to 7970 points to 7738 and reinforcing their view that girls without curves are like pants without pockets; you have nowhere to put your hands.

In 84^th place with 381 points we have Erik Estrada coming back like an unwelcome dose of athletes foot, something he can never be accused if getting as he’s certainly no athlete.  In joint 85^th place with 379 points we have Bill's No Hopers and Hezza's Hero's with the ugliest performance by a duo since Sonny started abusing Cher.  In 87^th place with 378 points we have Why F1 When You Can F2? whose hopes died along with his libido long ago.  In 88^th place with 368 points we have Aussie Grit which describes what she hopes not to find in her underwear after a trip to the dunny.  In 89^th place again with 363 points we have Team Mackarel staying in the same plaice again.  In 90^th place with 359 points we have Do'nut Donnelly with a performance as stale as his favourite food stuff…stuff being the descriptive part he likes best.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91^st place with 338 points we have Robbie The Reindeer who says he’s saving his strength as he has a strenuous Christmas coming up.  In 92^nd place with 314 points we have the appropriately named In Trouble Again who, thankfully, saved his worst performances of the season for my return.  In 93^rd and last place with 313 points we have Honey, Honey returning to where he first started, the dark ages.

Our top ten this time have all been here before, greedy beggars.  In 10^th place with 632 points we have Breaking Down Bad refusing to go to rehab.  In 9^th place with 633 points we have Bad Hat Harry looking more like a pork pie that his hat of that name.  In 8^th place with 634 points we have Thor's Hammer having a smashing time again.  In 7^th place with 646 points we have Nicks Numpties continuing to enjoy his best season, if not his best haircut.  In 6^th place with 649 points we have Titan Uranus whose ego is now large enough to qualify as a planet in its own right.  In 5^th place with 681 points we have Stig Of The Dump thinking of moving up in the world to a bigger pile.  In 4^th place with 689 points we have Kaiser still hoping to make a move and get lucky, like a shy young lad at a dance.

Over podium squatters this time are all previous residents.  In joint 2^nd place with 691 points we have Debbie Does Dallas and Evo, as delightful a duo as gin and tonic.  Finally, getting bored of champagne and tinnitus from the sound of trumpets, our winner for the fifth time this season with 733 points is Glutæus Maximus who most of the other teams wish was buried in the foundations of a motorway flyover as he’s run away with this season’s competition.

In the overall standings the cells at the bottom are occupied by the same inmates who have been shuffled around like a set of dominos.  Rising to 84^th place with 6363 points we have On the Right Track still heading to oblivion.  Dropping to 85^th place with 6351 points we have Hugh Janus who really has a soggy bottom…and this is not Bake Off.   Stuck in 86^th place with 6265 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 whose diet now includes lots of baking soda in the hope that this will help him rise.  Still in 87^th place with 6260 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins hoping that no-one passes him and pushes him back even further.  Static in 88^th place with 6012 points we have La Dolce Vita whose performances this season have shown very little sign of vita.  Dropping to 89^th place with 5934 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust…definitely looks like bust now.  Dropping to 90^th place with 5877 points we have Do'nut Donnelly going round in ever decreasing circles and disappearing up his own orifice.

Our inverse podium of shame occupants have still not made any moves, much like the challengers to Ed Miliband who are vultures waiting to fight over the impending corpse.  In 91^st place with 5728 points we have Team Mackarel who would like to learn to play the keyboard but can’t find a piano tuna.  Comatose in 92^nd place with 5687 points we have Hezza's Hero's whose performance this season makes Ed Miliband look like a Nobel prize winner for both literature and economics.  Still anchored in 93^rd and last place with 5134 points we have FlippersDivers V1,who is so far behind he is now in a different time zone.

As with those at the wrong end of the table, the top ten are the same, they have just been rearranged slightly for comfort, like a young lads crown jewels in a pair of tight trousers.  Stuck in 10^th place with 10040 points we have Debbie Does Dallas who feels she should have been an archaeologist as her hopes of winning are now in ruins.  Also static in 9^th place with 10062 points we have Thor's Hammer failing to make as much noise as he’d hoped.  Dropping badly to 8^th place with 10167 points we have Deb's Delights hoping she’s landed on a trampoline so that she can get back near the top again.  Rising to 7^th place with 10183 points we have Kaiser hoping for more world domination but steeling himself for more disappointment, just like the last Kaiser.  Remaining in 6^th place with 10218 points we have Bad Hat Harry hoping to turn his chances round, just like his baseball hat.  Edging closer to the podium and up to 5^th place with 10265 points we have Stig Of The Dump smelling success, unlike those around him.  Continuing her ascent and climbing again to 4^th place with 10310 points we have Evo praying for a leg up for a change.

Our podium occupants are slightly deranged rearranged.  Slipping back to 3rd place with 10332 points we have Breaking Down Bad hoping he doesn’t break down any further.  Climbing to 2^nd place with 10339 points we have Titan Uranus`hoping that his stellar season isn’t going to crash like Virgin Galactic.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our leader with 10965 points is still Glutæus Maximus who, if this was cricket would declare as he’s leading by the proverbial street and all of the other teams would need me to award double points in the Abu Dhabi race to have any chance of catching him.

The next race is the Abu Dhabi GP on Sunday 23^rd November.

Regards,

Lawrence.