2013 - Race 3 - Chinese GP Results

The points scored by each driver, chassis, and engine, and the points scored by each team entered were as follows.

Chinese GP		V e t t e l	W e b b e r	A l o n s o	M a s s a	R ä I k k ö n e n	G r o s j e a n	B u t t o n	P e r e z	H a m I l t o n	R o s b e r g	M a l d o n a d o	B o t t a s	H u l k e n b e r g	G u t I e r r e z	d I R e s t a	S u t i l	V e r g n e	R I c c I a r d o	P I c	v a n d e r G a r d e	B I a n c h i	C h I l t o n
Race Results	Race Finish Position	4		1	6	2	9	5	11	3		14	13	10		8		12	7	16	18	15	17
	Starting Grid Position	9	22	3	5	2	6	8	12	1	4	14	16	10	17	11	13	15	7	20	21	18	19
	Fastest Race Lap	Y
	No. Completed Laps	56	15	56	56	56	56	56	56	56	21	56	56	56	4	56	5	56	56	55	55	55	55
	Disqualified?
	No. Stop/Go Penalties
Driver Points Scored	Race Finish Poition	40		75	25	60	10	30		50				5		15			20
	Starting Grid Position	14	1	20	18	21	17	15	11	30	19	9	7	13	6	12	10	8	16	3	2	5	4
	Grid - Race Movement	10		4	-2	0	-6	6	2	-4		0	6	0		6		6	0	8	6	6	4
	Fastest Lap	10
	No. Completed Laps	56	15	56	56	56	56	56	56	56	21	56	56	56	4	56	5	56	56	55	55	55	55
	Disqualified Penalty
	Retirement Penalty		-50								-50				-50		-50
	Stop/Go Penalties
Total Driver Score		130	-34	155	97	137	77	107	69	132	-10	65	69	74	-40	89	-35	70	92	66	63	66	63
Chassis Points Scored	No. Completed Laps	56	15	56	56	56	56	56	56	56	21	56	56		4	56	5	56	56	55	55	55	55
	Retirement Penalty		-25								-25				-25		-25
Total Chassis Score		56	-10	56	56	56	56	56	56	56	-4	56	56	56	-21	56	-20	56	56	55	55	55	55
Engine Points Scored	Race Finish Poition	40		75	25	60	10	30		50				5		15			20
	Starting Grid Position	14	1	20	18	21	17	15	11	30	19	9	7	13	6	12	10	8	16	3	2	5	4
	Retirement Penalty		-20								-20				-20		-20
Total Engine Score		54	-19	95	43	81	27	45	11	80	-1	9	7	18	-14	27	-10	8	36	3	2	5	4

Race Result				Overall Position
Name	Race Total	Race Position		Name	Overall Total	Overall Position
Turin Triumph	639	1		Singing In The Rain	1788	1
Peter Leatherland	613	2		A Taste Of Honey	1722	2
Kerrie Goodall 1	604	3		Kerrie Goodall 1	1709	3
Houghton Bird	599	4		Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee	1697	4
A Taste Of Honey	590	5		Beast Basher	1695	5
Singing In The Rain	582	6		Erik The Elephant	1669	6
Erik The Elephant	577	7		David Parkin	1651	7
Beast Basher	576	8		Chaser Slayer	1650	8
Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee	573	9		Peter Leatherland	1646	9
Martony Racing One	571	10		Milton De Silva	1640	10
Dan Johnston	558	11		Houghton Bird	1629	11
Mal Fletcher	548	12		Paduan Racing	1611	12
Paul Szomoru	535	13		Series 6 Episode 45	1578	13
Mackaroony	534	14		Mackaroony	1573	14
On the Right Track?	534	14		Paul Szomoru	1570	15
David Parkin	532	16		Ayr Town Centre	1566	16
Stop Up Villa	531	17		On the Right Track?	1558	17
I'm The Taxman	528	18		Turin Triumph	1557	18
Chaser Slayer	521	19		Honey Monster	1541	19
Team Cymru Am Byth	520	20		The Wise One	1528	20
Paduan Racing	517	21		Do'nut Donnelly	1517	21
Ayr Town Centre	515	22		Stop Up Villa	1508	22
Honey Monster	505	23		Catch Me If You Can	1501	23
Kyalami Racing	501	24		Erik Estrada	1494	24
The Wise One	498	25		Brazil or Bust	1484	25
Milton De Silva	497	26		Team Cymru Am Byth	1482	26
Claire Teuma	496	27		Cheeky Monkey	1480	27
Luck of the Irish	493	28		Labbett Lambaster	1476	28
Parking at Rascasse	487	29		F1HFH	1455	29
Virgin On The Impossible	487	29		Honeycombover	1444	30
Catch Me If You Can	480	31		Whickham Racers	1443	31
Ben GP MkII	478	32		Mickey's Motor	1442	32
Labbett Lambaster	478	32		At Risk	1435	33
Mack the Knife	474	34		Homer Doh!	1424	34
Victoria Concordia Crescit	474	34		Virgin On The Impossible	1417	35
In Arsene We Rust	473	36		N-Gine	1416	36
Lee (God I Love McLaren) Stonehewer	473	36		Kyalami Racing	1411	37
Team Kaisha	473	36		Donnelly's Danglers	1408	38
Whickham Racers	473	36		1st GB	1406	39
1st GB	469	40		Martony Racing One	1400	40
Mark Thompson	466	41		Verbalkint	1400	40
Series 6 Episode 45	461	42		Evo	1391	42
Erik Estrada	459	43		Honey, Honey	1382	43
Babadaboopy	458	44		Mark Thompson	1371	44
Cheeky Monkey	457	45		Willy Wonka	1370	45
Flip me again	457	45		Sunday Night Lights	1369	46
Honeycombover	457	45		I'm The Taxman	1367	47
At Risk	456	48		Mr Kobyashi	1367	47
Never Red	455	49		Charlton's Chumps	1363	49
Do'nut Donnelly	448	50		Mack the Knife	1356	50
Cymru F1	447	51		In Arsene We Rust	1354	51
Mr Kobyashi	447	51		The Beast's Revenge	1354	51
Kerrie Goodall 2	444	53		TiggyWiggy	1352	53
Maltese Falcon	444	53		Babadaboopy	1350	54
Bullet Proof Bomb	443	55		Robot Chicken	1344	55
Team GB	443	55		Jody Scheckter	1342	56
Jody Scheckter	441	57		Mal Fletcher	1340	57
Flowery Quest	440	58		Lee (God I Love McLaren) Stonehewer	1333	58
Larry's Shirt	437	59		Mustang Sally	1329	59
Dannielle Johnston	436	60		Stew the Brew	1318	60
F1HFH	434	61		Oh You Went To Eton	1309	61
Blanche	432	62		Pedro Leatherland	1309	61
Mickey's Motor	432	62		Dan Johnston	1308	63
Free To Those Who Can Afford It	431	64		Cymru F1	1301	64
Force Sloth Racing	424	65		Robbies Banger Racing	1293	65
The Beast's Revenge	413	66		Robbie The Reindeer	1292	66
Greasy Pistons	411	67		Force Sloth Racing	1281	67
Oh You Went To Eton	410	68		Maltese Falcon	1280	68
Red Bull Addict	403	69		Fury	1279	69
Hezza's Heroes 1	402	70		Flippers Divers	1277	70
Mrs Button Wanna Be	401	71		The Taxman's Taken All My Dough	1273	71
Nicks Numpties	391	72		ROM	1272	72
ROM	391	72		Bags, Bags, Bags and More Bags	1269	73
Sunday Night Lights	391	72		Carbon Leither	1268	74
Carbon Leither	386	75		Glendinning	1266	75
Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes!	386	75		Free To Those Who Can Afford It	1260	76
TiggyWiggy	384	77		Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes!	1257	77
Verbalkint	380	78		Greasy Pistons	1255	78
Fellside Fools	376	79		Team GB	1255	78
The Taxman's Taken All My Dough	373	80		Fellside Fools	1254	80
Stew the Brew	371	81		Dannielle Johnston	1236	81
Brazil or Bust	353	82		Bantha Fodder	1234	82
Donnelly's Danglers	349	83		Parking at Rascasse	1231	83
Pedro Leatherland	347	84		Bullet Proof Bomb	1229	84
Robot Chicken	342	85		Cannonball	1227	85
Charlie Max Gallagher	341	86		Mrs Button Wanna Be	1226	86
Liar, You've Got Antifreeze	337	87		Never Red	1225	87
Robbies Banger Racing	337	87		Claire Teuma	1210	88
Flippers Divers	336	89		Luck of the Irish	1206	89
Bantha Fodder	330	90		Mr Fenster	1203	90
Cannonball	329	91		Team Kaisha	1201	91
Baja Scoch	328	92		Flip me again	1200	92
Willy Wonka	323	93		Bad Day At Work	1190	93
Pedro Gallagher	322	94		Down Under Girl	1173	94
Dr. S	321	95		Hezza's Heroes 1	1163	95
Mustang Sally	320	96		Flowery Quest	1154	96
N-Gine	315	97		Ben GP MkII	1150	97
BezF1	310	98		Dr. S	1150	97
Fury	308	99		Victoria Concordia Crescit	1143	99
Homer Doh!	308	99		Charlie Max Gallagher	1133	100
Charlton's Chumps	294	101		Lucy Locket's Rocket	1110	101
Bad Day At Work	293	102		BezF1	1108	102
Martony Racing Two	291	103		Michael Maughan	1098	103
Honey, Honey	278	104		Kerrie Goodall 2	1097	104
Peter Baker	272	105		Blanche	1086	105
Lucy Locket's Rocket	271	106		Nicks Numpties	1062	106
Down Under Girl	270	107		Larry's Shirt	1047	107
Robbie The Reindeer	254	108		Liar, You've Got Antifreeze	1035	108
Bags, Bags, Bags and More Bags	253	109		Peter Baker	1025	109
Evo	245	110		Red Bull Addict	1015	110
Mr Fenster	233	111		Pedro Gallagher	997	111
Michael Maughan	231	112		Martony Racing Two	993	112
Glendinning	228	113		Stuart Gunn	969	113
Mean Machine 00	211	114		Hezza's Heroes 2	902	114
Stuart Gunn	166	115		Baja Scoch	899	115
Hezza's Heroes 2	127	116		Mean Machine 00	847	116
Male Average =	428			Male Average =	1353
Female Average =	390			Female Average =	1265

Regards,
Lawrence.

2013 - Race 2 - Malaysian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

AS THERE ARE NOW A RECORD NUMBER OF MALE HAIRDRESSERS, IS THIS MORE EVIDENCE OF OUR DESCENT INTO BARBARISM?

USELESS FACT:

DOLPHINS SLEEP WITH ONE HALF OF THE BRAIN AT A TIME, AND WITH ONE EYE CLOSED.

 

First, for all of the 58 teams that selected Luiz Razia as a driver, he has been replaced by Jules Bianchi.

Last year I was writing the Malaysian GP report with glorious sunshine pouring through the windows, a cold drink to hand, wishing I had a punka wallah to fan me gently to keep me cool.  Glorious spring weather was the order of the day.  How things have changed this year.  Today I write this report again looking out on glorious sunshine but with temperatures 15^oC colder, and with a snow flurry two nights ago it means we’ve now had snow for the seventh month in a row, something I can’t remember in my lifetime.  Global warming?  More like global freezing!  Still, it could be worse.  We could be polar bears wondering where the ice has gone.  So, whose chances of winning now look as likely as a heat wave in Jarrow in January?

In the battle of the genders the men again beat the ladies, this time by the more civilised margin of 459 points to 450.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 925 points to 874, thus maintaining their view that whoever said "women are a dime a dozen" didn't know about the deals you can get on Groupon.

So, who are those without a full set of chromosomes at the bottom?  In 107^th place with 323 points we have I'm The Taxman who maintains he’s doing a job that’s as essential as a dung beetle’s.  In 108th place with 321 points we have BezF1, who is starting to think that the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.  In 109^th place with 319 points we have Ben GP MkII who is an F1 virgin introduced to this bit of buffoonery by someone who should know better, but who performed even worse than him.  In 110^th place with 309 points we have Baja Scoch performing slightly better than in the last race, which Is like saying that death by hanging is better than death by poison.  In 111^th place with 303 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 reverting to type and replacing her first team in the dungeon of despair.  In 112^th place with 296 points we have Nicks Numpties who will find it's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.  In 113^th place with 256 points we have Blanche, who, in spite of the biggest career change I’ve ever known – from mother and qualified practicing solicitor to welder! –shows a lack of steel with this leaden performance.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 254 points we have Larry's Shirt who can’t ever be a teacher because they have to be at least as bright as the children they teach.  In 115^th place with 218 points we have Pedro Gallagher who finds this is less attractive than getting CPR from Vinnie Jones.  Finally, in last place with 217 points we have Dan Johnston who brings me fresh meat to feast on but shows no appetite for the fight.

Now, who occupies our hit parade top ten this time?  In 10^th place with 603 points we have Singing In The Rain who is disappointed that his wild oats have been replaced by prunes and All-Bran.  In 9^th place with 606 points we have Evo who is disappointed because since the snow came all her boyfriend has done is look through the window…if it gets any worse she'll have to let him in.  In joint 7^th place with 610 points we have the pairing of Milton De Silva and Series 6 Episode 45 who are less use than a pair of knickers.  In 6^th place with 611 points we have Paduan Racing who should take a lesson from the weather because it takes no notice of criticism.  In 5^th place with 613 points we have Charlton's Chumps who found it hard getting over his addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but he’s turned himself around and that's what it's all about.  In 4^th place with 614 points we have David Parkin who once scared the postman by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared the postman more; the fact that he was naked or that he knew where the postman lived.

Now, which triptych occupies the podium this time and gets to taste the champagne?  In 3^rd place with 618 points we have Robbie The Reindeer bouncing along on his nose.  In 2^nd place with 619 points we have Brazil or Bust, whose team name reflects the fact that he can’t decide which of his features he likes most; the fact that he’s nuts or that he has moobs.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner this race with 621 points is Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee, who is looking for a better mask to improve his looks, but any mask for him is better than none.

In the overall standings I think we can already see a trend developing at the end where the occupants don’t have the sense God gave a biscuit.  In 107^th place with 675 points we have Pedro Gallagher having as much success here as he has at losing weight.  In 108^th place with 672 points we have Ben GP MkII who has been so inspired by all of the cooking programmes on TV that he now he cooks using the four main food groups …boxed, tinned, frozen and bagged.  In 109^th place with 671 points we have Nicks Numpties finding it is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.  In 110^th place with 669 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit whose performance is more Costa Concordia because so far this team is a wreck.  In 111^th place with 654 points we have Blanche who was hoping to strike it lucky quicker than she can strike an arc.  In 112^th place with 653 points we have Kerrie Goodall 2 slipping further down the evolutionary table and into a coma.  In 113^th place with 636 points we have Mean Machine 00 remaining anchored to the bottom more firmly than Davey Jones locker.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 612 points we have Red Bull Addict perpetuating her genealogical history as her family tree is full of nuts.  In 115^th place with 610 points we have Larry's Shirt who is proud that he started out with nothing and still has most of it.  Finally, in last place with 571 points we have Baja Scoch whose chances of winning would now be described by a physicist as an inclined plane wound helically round an axis…he’s screwed.

Now, who occupies our hit parade top ten and hopes to go platinum?  In 10^th place with 1117 points we have Series 6 Episode 45 who is still searching desperately for a rehab clinic for stupidity.  In joint 8^th place with 1119 points we have David Parkin and Beast Basher, our version of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde without their charm and charisma.  In 7^th place with 1124 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee who didn't realise he was dyslexic until he went to a toga party dressed as a goat.  In 6^th place with 1129 points we have Chaser Slayer who loves strong, powerful women because they can open jars without his help.  In 5^th place with 1131 points we have Brazil or Bust whose wife has a slight impediment in her speech; every now and then she stops to breathe.  In 4^th place with 1132 points we have A Taste Of Honey, who is already getting a taste for the high life at the top table.

Now, who occupy the top rungs on the ladder of success and dream of glory?  In 3^rd place with 1143 points we have Milton De Silva who, now that food has replaced sex in his life, has found that he can't even get into his own pants.  In 2^nd place with 1146 points we have Evo who is preparing herself for the Vulcan death grip that she feels will follow.  Finally, our new leader with 1206 points is Singing In The Rain who feels that growing old is like being penalised for a crime you haven't committed.

The next race is the Chinese GP on Sunday 14^th April.

Regards,

Lawrence.