2013 - Race 5 - Spanish GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:
IF WOMEN ARE SO GOOD AT MULTITASKING, HOW COME THEY CAN'T HAVE SEX AND A HEADACHE AT THE SAME TIME?

USELESS FACT:

NEVER GO TO A BULIMIA CONVENTION BECAUSE THE PLACE WILL BE HEAVING.

Question: What do you call 13 old guys cycling up mountains?  Answer: Masochists.  After a week in Port de Pollenca, Majorca, cycling 223 miles I’ve come back stronger and fitter than for decades, as three of our six days involved cycling up mountains.  For some of our number this was just a walk in the park, as they’ve cycled for decades and done things like Land’s End to John O’Groats, New York to Los Angeles, and cycled all over Europe.  For me it wasn’t a walk at all, but I managed not to have to get off and walk at all.  My legs no longer have calves but fully developed heifers, and my bum now contains a pair of buns that Greggs would be proud of.  Our first mountain climb, on day one was 2.8km (1.75 miles) rising 200m (652feet) at an average gradient of 7%.  Our longest climb, on day three, was Coll de sa Batalla, 8km (5 miles) rising 400m (1300 feet) at an average gradient of 5%, which took me about 45 minutes while being passed by numerous youngsters, male and female, racing each other to the top, trying to beat this year’s fastest time of 17 minutes 29 seconds, and making me feel grossly inadequate…they had no respect for old men.  Our last mountain day, day five, was only a short ride out and back to the Cap de Formentor lighthouse. Although only 40km (25miles) the route was hilly and packs in 1600m (5200ft) of climbing.  It was at the top of one of the steep climbs on this ride that I accused our leader, who likes cycling up hills, of being a sadist, a comment meant in joke but taken literally by him…sad bugger, but he used to be an accountant and so has no sense of humour.  I now know that the pain in Spain lies mainly in the mountains.  Anyway, how much pain did you endure in Spain?

In the battle of the genders we had a surprise as the men capitulated for the first time this season to the wiles of the fairer sex, falling to defeat by the ladies by 498 points to 491.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 2323 points to 2232, thus maintaining their view that women drivers are like stars in the sky…you can see them, but they can't see you.

So, whose wall is missing a brick?  In 107^th place with 375 points we have Force Sloth Racing falling like an over indulgent teenager after too much partying in Magaluf.  In 108th place with 366 points we have The Wise One showing that his team name is an oxymoron.  In 109^th place with 357 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee crashing back to earth after having his head in the clouds.  In 110^th place with 332 points we have Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes! finding this more painful than walking on hot coals.  In 111^th place with 330 points we have Chaser Slayer finding out what it feels like to be Goliath rather than David.  In 112^th place with 329 points we have On the Right Track? who’s lost his way and looks like he needs a new TomTom.  In 113^th place with 318 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb surfacing for the first time this season, and wishing he’s stayed asleep.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 315 points we have Peter Baker displaying a level of consistency rarely seen outside an asylum.  In 115^th place with 275 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher being given a start in life akin to that immortalised by Johnny Cash in “A Boy Named Sue.”  Finally, in last place with 269 points we have Parking at Rascasse wishing that he was in Monaco like his name, rather than manacled like his chances.

Now, who’s the prince and who’s the pauper this time?  In 10^th place with 607 points we have Labbett Lambaster resurfacing like a cold sore.  In 9^th place with 609 points we have Pedro Leatherland astounding not just himself but medical science as well.  In 8^th place with 612 points we have Cymru F1 taking himself to a higher level, like climbing Snowdon.  In 7^th place with 619 points we have Martony Racing One breaking the habit of a lifetime and continuing his run of good form.  In 6^th place with 624 points we have Turin Triumph taking the time to trek towards the top.  In 5^th place with 627 points we have I'm The Taxman who works for the Inland Revenue Service and likes it when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together because it spells "Theirs."  In 4^th place with 629 points we have Verbalkint hoping this is the start he hoped would start two months ago in Australia.

Now, which triumvirate occupies the podium this time?  In 3^rd place with 643 points we have Catch Me If You Can catching his breath and some attention at last.  In 2^nd place with 658 points we have Cheeky Monkey leaping from nowhere and feeling like a top banana.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner this race with 662 points is Peter Leatherland looking smug beyond belief, a look he has perfected over many years.

In the overall standings who are the occupants at the bottom, hoping they won’t have to show theirs in Fenwick’s window at the end of the season?  Falling to 107^th place with 1922 points we have Parking at Rascasse feeling like he’s had a parking ticket.  Rising slightly to 108^th place with 1885 points we have Red Bull Addict getting the boost she needs to start to lift her clear of a life of debauchery.  Rising to 109^th place with 1840 points we have Pedro Gallagher who is grateful for small mercies.  Remaining in 110^th place with 1802 points we have Stuart Gunn aiming to improve but wondering how.  Rising to 111^th place with 1791 points we have Martony Racing Two hoping that he can increase his rate of climb as easily as he can increase his heart rate.  Rising to 112^th place with 1782 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 getting off the podium of shame and hoping to get into a position of anonymity.  Falling to 113^th place with 1761 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher wondering if he should ring Child Line when he’s old enough to use a phone.

Leading the inmates on the inverse podium of shame and climbing to 114^th place with 1710 points we have Mean Machine 00 climbing at a slower rate than he managed when climbing Kilimanjaro.  Slipping further into the den of iniquity in 115^th place with 1648 points we have Peter Baker proving he wasn’t lying when he entered and said he knew nothing about F1.  Finally, still in last place with 1632 points we have Baja Scoch who now has less chance of winning this competition than I have of winning Miss World.

Now, who are our daydream believers this time?  Rising to 10^th place with 2668 points we have Ayr Town Centre looking more inviting than the real thing.  Falling to 9^th place with 2673 points we have David Parkin hoping that reality hasn’t kicked in.  Rising to 8^th place with 2718 points we have Paul Szomoru enjoying eating at the top table fpor the first time.  Falling to 7^th place with 2731 points we have A Taste Of Honey suffering his biggest taste of disappointment so far.  Climbing to 6^th place from 9^th place with 2760 points we have Houghton Bird making a move she has great experience of as 6 and 9 are her favourite positions.  Dropping to 5^th place with 2798 points we have Erik The Elephant who recently became a knight in shining armour when he found a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car. She looks on amazed as Erik removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball and rubbed them against the car door. Magically it opened. “That's so clever," the woman gasped. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replied Erik.  "These are my khakis."  Rising to 4^th place with 2821 points we have Peter Leatherland whose top ten performance this season resembles the Hokey Cokey …in, out, in, out, in.  Let’s all hope he doesn’t shake it all about.

Now, who occupy the top rungs on the ladder of success and dream of glory this time?  Dropping to 3^rd place with 2835 points we have Beast Basher who occasionally thinks he would like to go back to his youth, until he remembers calculus and algebra.  Rising to 2^nd place with 2864 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 trying hard not to wet herself with excitement at the thought that she may at last have picked a team to get her to the top of the tree like the Christmas fairy.  Finally, our leader with 2897points is still Singing In The Rain, who recently decided he wanted to change his electricity supplier, so he signed up with Paddy Power.

The next race is the Monaco GP on 26^th May.

Regards,

Lawrence.

2013 - Race 5 - Spanish GP Results

The points scored by each driver, chassis, and engine, and the points scored by each team entered were as follows.

Spanish GP		V e t t e l	W e b b e r	A l o n s o	M a s s a	R ä I k k ö n e n	G r o s j e a n	B u t t o n	P e r e z	H a m I l t o n	R o s b e r g	M a l d o n a d o	B o t t a s	H u l k e n b e r g	G u t I e r r e z	d I R e s t a	S u t i l	V e r g n e	R I c c I a r d o	P I c	v a n d e r G a r d e	B I a n c h i	C h I l t o n
Race Results	Race Finish Position	4	5	1	3	2	0	8	9	12	6	14	16	15	11	7	13	0	10	17	0	18	19
	Starting Grid Position	3	7	5	9	4	6	14	8	2	1	17	16	15	19	10	13	12	11	22	18	20	21
	Fastest Race Lap														Y
	No. Completed Laps	66	66	66	66	66	8	66	66	65	65	65	65	65	65	66	65	52	65	65	21	64	64
	Disqualified?
	No. Stop/Go Penalties
Driver Points Scored	Race Finish Poition	40	30	75	50	60		15	10		25					20			5
	Starting Grid Position	20	16	18	14	19	17	9	15	21	30	6	7	8	4	13	10	11	12	1	5	3	2
	Grid - Race Movement	-2	4	8	12	4		12	-2	-20	-10	6	0	0	16	6	0		2	10		4	4
	Fastest Lap														10
	No. Completed Laps	66	66	66	66	66	8	66	66	65	65	65	65	65	65	66	65	52	65	65	21	64	64
	Disqualified Penalty
	Retirement Penalty						-50											-50			-50
	Stop/Go Penalties
Total Driver Score		124	116	167	142	149	-25	102	89	66	110	77	72	73	95	105	75	13	84	76	-24	71	70
Chassis Points Scored	No. Completed Laps	66	66	66	66	66	8	66	66	65	65	65	65	65	65	66	65	52	65	65	21	64	64
	Retirement Penalty						-25											-25			-25
Total Chassis Score		66	66	66	66	66	-17	66	66	65	65	65	65	65	65	66	65	27	65	65	-4	64	64
Engine Points Scored	Race Finish Poition	40	30	75	50	60		15	10		25					20			5
	Starting Grid Position	20	16	18	14	19	17	9	15	21	30	6	7	8	4	13	10	11	12	1	5	3	2
	Retirement Penalty						-20											-20			-20
Total Engine Score		60	46	93	64	79	-3	24	25	21	55	6	7	8	4	33	10	-9	17	1	-15	3	2

Race Result				Overall Position
Name	Race Total	Race Position		Name	Overall Total	Overall Position
Peter Leatherland	662	1		Singing In The Rain	2897	1
Cheeky Monkey	658	2		Kerrie Goodall 1	2864	2
Catch Me If You Can	643	3		Beast Basher	2835	3
Verbalkint	629	4		Peter Leatherland	2821	4
I'm The Taxman	627	5		Erik The Elephant	2798	5
Turin Triumph	624	6		Houghton Bird	2760	6
Martony Racing One	619	7		A Taste Of Honey	2731	7
Cymru F1	612	8		Paul Szomoru	2718	8
Pedro Leatherland	609	9		David Parkin	2673	9
Labbett Lambaster	607	10		Ayr Town Centre	2668	10
The Taxman's Taken All My Dough	606	11		Milton De Silva	2663	11
Charlton's Chumps	603	12		Turin Triumph	2641	12
Kerrie Goodall 1	596	13		Catch Me If You Can	2632	13
Jody Scheckter	589	14		Cheeky Monkey	2603	14
Cannonball	588	15		Do'nut Donnelly	2590	15
Lucy Locket's Rocket	581	16		Stop Up Villa	2577	16
Houghton Bird	580	17		Series 6 Episode 45	2576	17
Team GB	577	18		F1HFH	2568	18
TiggyWiggy	577	18		Martony Racing One	2563	19
Kerrie Goodall 2	568	20		Labbett Lambaster	2556	20
Evo	567	21		Verbalkint	2544	21
Stop Up Villa	567	21		Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee	2533	22
BezF1	566	23		Homer Doh!	2532	23
Honey, Honey	566	23		Paduan Racing	2525	24
N-Gine	566	23		Chaser Slayer	2519	25
Homer Doh!	564	26		Mackaroony	2516	26
Robot Chicken	563	27		N-Gine	2500	27
Ayr Town Centre	562	28		Honey Monster	2487	28
Bantha Fodder	560	29		Evo	2484	29
F1HFH	560	29		Charlton's Chumps	2469	30
Fellside Fools	559	31		TiggyWiggy	2458	31
Mustang Sally	559	31		Brazil or Bust	2453	32
Glendinning	557	33		Donnelly's Danglers	2446	33
Erik The Elephant	549	34		Erik Estrada	2441	34
ROM	549	34		Cymru F1	2439	35
Paul Szomoru	546	36		Mickey's Motor	2439	35
Claire Teuma	543	37		Pedro Leatherland	2430	37
Mal Fletcher	537	38		I'm The Taxman	2429	38
Team Kaisha	537	38		The Taxman's Taken All My Dough	2427	39
Beast Basher	536	40		Virgin On The Impossible	2422	40
Robbies Banger Racing	535	41		Kyalami Racing	2419	41
Dannielle Johnston	532	42		At Risk	2409	42
Down Under Girl	528	43		Mark Thompson	2406	43
Mr Fenster	528	43		1st GB	2399	44
Mrs Button Wanna Be	525	45		On the Right Track?	2398	45
Singing In The Rain	524	46		Robot Chicken	2394	46
Greasy Pistons	520	47		ROM	2386	47
Donnelly's Danglers	518	48		Honeycombover	2385	48
Free To Those Who Can Afford It	516	49		Sunday Night Lights	2385	48
Ben GP MkII	514	50		Jody Scheckter	2377	50
Dr. S	513	51		The Wise One	2376	51
A Taste Of Honey	511	52		Willy Wonka	2369	52
1st GB	508	53		Glendinning	2367	53
Flippers Divers	504	54		Honey, Honey	2350	54
Sunday Night Lights	504	54		Team Cymru Am Byth	2336	55
Virgin On The Impossible	503	56		Robbies Banger Racing	2335	56
Michael Maughan	497	57		In Arsene We Rust	2326	57
Lee (God I Love McLaren) Stonehewer	496	58		The Beast's Revenge	2321	58
Mark Thompson	490	59		Mr Kobyashi	2319	59
Victoria Concordia Crescit	488	60		Mustang Sally	2311	60
Maltese Falcon	487	61		Cannonball	2306	61
Hezza's Heroes 2	485	62		Bantha Fodder	2292	62
Robbie The Reindeer	482	63		Robbie The Reindeer	2288	63
Series 6 Episode 45	482	63		Babadaboopy	2286	64
Kyalami Racing	481	65		Whickham Racers	2272	65
Honey Monster	480	66		Team GB	2270	66
Willy Wonka	480	66		Free To Those Who Can Afford It	2266	67
Bad Day At Work	479	68		Lee (God I Love McLaren) Stonehewer	2259	68
Whickham Racers	479	68		Mal Fletcher	2257	69
Babadaboopy	477	70		Greasy Pistons	2236	70
Fury	475	71		Claire Teuma	2234	71
Liar, You've Got Antifreeze	472	72		Dannielle Johnston	2233	72
Nicks Numpties	472	72		Flippers Divers	2224	73
The Beast's Revenge	472	72		Mack the Knife	2211	74
Do'nut Donnelly	463	75		Fury	2206	75
Milton De Silva	461	76		Mr Fenster	2197	76
Paduan Racing	460	77		Team Kaisha	2194	77
David Parkin	455	78		Bags, Bags, Bags and More Bags	2185	78
Larry's Shirt	454	79		Mrs Button Wanna Be	2185	78
Never Red	446	80		Fellside Fools	2182	80
Team Cymru Am Byth	444	81		Dr. S	2172	81
Mackaroony	443	82		Maltese Falcon	2167	82
Red Bull Addict	442	83		Stew the Brew	2158	83
In Arsene We Rust	441	84		Kerrie Goodall 2	2156	84
Mean Machine 00	440	85		Dan Johnston	2148	85
Martony Racing Two	439	86		Down Under Girl	2140	86
Pedro Gallagher	438	87		Never Red	2131	87
Flowery Quest	435	88		Lucy Locket's Rocket	2124	88
Oh You Went To Eton	430	89		Bad Day At Work	2120	89
Bags, Bags, Bags and More Bags	429	90		BezF1	2106	90
Mickey's Motor	427	91		Oh You Went To Eton	2106	90
Brazil or Bust	426	92		Force Sloth Racing	2103	92
Dan Johnston	425	93		Carbon Leither	2091	93
Mr Kobyashi	423	94		Victoria Concordia Crescit	2090	94
Stew the Brew	421	95		Ben GP MkII	2062	95
At Risk	418	96		Luck of the Irish	2058	96
Baja Scoch	412	97		Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes!	2053	97
Mack the Knife	410	98		Flip me again	2046	98
Blanche	409	99		Flowery Quest	2044	99
Flip me again	406	100		Bullet Proof Bomb	2022	100
Hezza's Heroes 1	402	101		Michael Maughan	2001	101
Stuart Gunn	395	102		Nicks Numpties	1955	102
Carbon Leither	394	103		Blanche	1941	103
Luck of the Irish	388	104		Liar, You've Got Antifreeze	1939	104
Erik Estrada	382	105		Larry's Shirt	1933	105
Honeycombover	382	105		Hezza's Heroes 1	1924	106
Force Sloth Racing	375	107		Parking at Rascasse	1922	107
The Wise One	366	108		Red Bull Addict	1885	108
Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee	357	109		Pedro Gallagher	1840	109
Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes!	332	110		Stuart Gunn	1802	110
Chaser Slayer	330	111		Martony Racing Two	1791	111
On the Right Track?	329	112		Hezza's Heroes 2	1782	112
Bullet Proof Bomb	318	113		Charlie Max Gallagher	1761	113
Peter Baker	315	114		Mean Machine 00	1710	114
Charlie Max Gallagher	275	115		Peter Baker	1648	115
Parking at Rascasse	269	116		Baja Scoch	1632	116
Male Average =	491			Male Average =	2323
Female Average =	498			Female Average =	2232

Regards,
Lawrence.