2013 - Race 11 - Belgian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY IS IT CALLED A "DRIVE THROUGH" IF YOU HAVE TO STOP?

USELESS FACT:

MONEY WILL BUY A FINE DOG, BUT ONLY KINDNESS WILL MAKE HIM WAG HIS TAIL.

 

Autumn has officially arrived but the glorious summer weather continues.  The holiday season is nearly over and those with kids are looking forward to being able to pack them off the school again.  For everyone it means more traffic on the roads and longer traffic jams as teachers and other educational establishment staff return from their R&R break, and parents running their lazy offspring to school rather than make them walk and keep fit at the same time take to the roads.  In the next week I will be picking a bumper crop of plums in my garden and looking forward to a break of my own when I take Lady Audrey off to Barcelona and then a cruise for a well-deserved rest as life has been manic for us for the last five months.  For us it will be heaven.  For you it will unfortunately mean that some of the race results and reports may be a bit late. I’ll do my best but I’ll be at the mercy of the WiFi connections in our hotel and cruise ship.  Speaking of mercy, who’s hoping I’ll show some after their performance in Belgium?

In the battle of the genders the men returned from the pub to winning ways, winning by 382 points to 354, reinforcing their view that girls are like cats, they will go to whoever feeds them the most. In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 5096 points to 4951, thus maintaining their view that girls are like a McDonald’s…they’re convenient and easy but too many of them can ruin your health.

Now, whose performance in Belgium left them feeling like they’d eaten their body weight in their favourite Belgian chocolates?  In joint 106^th place with 255 points we have Chaser Slayer and Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes! a duo that look like they came from the pages of a Stephen King horror novel.  In 108^th place with 252 points we have Team Kaisha who has found that doing a handstand in the shower doesn’t turn it into a bidet.  Making her seasonal debut in 109^th place with 230 points is TiggyWiggy who has come out in sympathy with Edinburgh zoo’s pregnant panda Tian Tian by copying all the symptoms of a pregnant panda, so she is now overweight, bad tempered and bone idle.  In 110^th place with 221 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit in a position where victory is definitely not on the agenda.  Making her seasonal debut in 111^th place with 220 points we have Mackaroony who counts fruit pastilles as part of her five a day.  In 112^th place with 219 points we have Nicks Numpties returning after a period out of the spotlight that lasted longer than even he could have hoped.  Returning to the bowels of the earth in 113^th place with 199 points we have Larry's Shirt which looks like it came out of the bowels of something horrible.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 189 points we have Mark Thompson who is attending yoga classes to perfect his grovelling position.  In 115^th place with 166 points we have ROM whose sense of humour is more twisted than Fusilli pasta. 

Finally, in last place with 156 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 with the unique distinction of being the first team in the history of this competition to be first then last in consecutive races.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than a miser who’s found a pound?  In joint 9^th place with 491 points we have the double act of Mickey's Motor and Oh You Went To Eton, as unlikely a couple as Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.  In 8^th place with 492 points we have Virgin On The Impossible who wants to study cosmetic surgery so she re-took her ‘A’ levels this year hoping to turn her 2 A’s into double D’s.  In 7^th place with 498 points we have Donnelly's Danglers who would like to study entomology and was delighted when his ‘A’ level results showed he’d got 2 B’s.  In 6^th place with 512 we have Robbies Banger Racing who got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool recently…the lifeguard yelled at him so loud, he almost fell in.  In 5^th place with 523 points we have Ayr Town Centre continuing to confound logic and medical science.  In 4^th place with 526 points we have Stop Up Villa performing as well as his beloved Aston Villa have so far this season, but it’s early days yet.

Who are those on the podium glowing like a Fukishima power station worker this time?  In 3^rd place with 530 points we have Pedro Leatherland returning to form and his sixth top ten finish in the last seven races…greedy begger.  In 2^nd place with 532 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee who continues to wear his mask for health and safety reasons…he doesn’t want to scare children and animals.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 534 points is, once again, Peter Leatherland with his third race win this season, which shows that he’s either good or a champagne addict desperate for a drink.

In the overall standings whose standing is lower than a submariner on the bottom of the Atlantic?  Falling back into bad habits again in 107^th place with 4303 points we have Larry's Shirt continuing to perform far less spectacularly than the real thing.  Climbing one place to 108^th place with 4263 points we have Liar, You've Got Antifreeze who is grateful to take whatever improvement he can get.  Continuing to slip even further into the den of iniquity to 109^th place with 4243 points we have Pedro Gallagher who is now such a basket case that even the German’s wouldn’t bail him out.  Remaining static in 110^th place with 4230 points we still have Martony Racing Two who may be an old salt dog but he has the stomach of a concrete elephant.  Statuesque in 111^th place with 4227 points we have Mean Machine 00 continuing his slow decline into oblivion, much like the Nintendo games console.  Immobile in 112^th place with 4128 points we have Stuart Gunn whose ‘A’ level results must surely have been DUD.  Rising from the inverse podium of shame to 113^th place with 4103 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who wishes that he learned to walk sooner so that he could have got out earlier.

Now, which triumvirate are occupying the inverse podium of shame now?  Descending to 114^th place with 4060 points we have Peter Baker returning for more opprobrium.  Still in 115^th place with 4021 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 who is stuck here faster than if she’d used superglue.  Finally, still in last place, with 3823 points we have Baja Scoch who has less chance of getting out of here than the USA and Russia have of agreeing what action to take over Syria.

Now, whose dreams are burning brighter than the hopes of Jose Mourinho?  Rising to 10^th place with 5772 points we have Turin Triumph hoping for a late surge here, and also in his life.  Jumping to 9^th place with 5789 points we have Stop Up Villa copying the football team and performing higher than they have a right to.  Rising to 8^th place with 5796 points we have Pedro Leatherland returning to the battle for supremacy of the peak.  Slipping to 7^th place with 5886 points we have Houghton Bird who may be a weak and feeble female but she can drink more than a thirsty camel.  Rising to 6^th place with 5904 points we have Ayr Town Centre which now looks like a candidate for the Stirling Prize. Soaring like a salmon to 5^th place with 5922 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee leaping on his horse whistling the William Tell overture…he’s whistling, not his horse.

Now, who have delusions of grandeur this time?  In joint 3^rd place with 5950 points we have Erik The Elephant and Paul Szomoru who are arguing over who has right of way, the elephant dropping or Paul rising.  Returning to 2^nd place with 5991 points we have Peter Leatherland sharpening his axe as he smells blood and hopes it’s no his own.  Finally, still our leader with 6036 points is Singing In The Rain who is starting to believe that there is a God as there is no other way to explain how he is still leading.

The next race is the Italian GP on 8^th September.

Regards,

Lawrence.

2013 - Race 11 - Belgian GP Results

The points scored by each driver, chassis, and engine, and the points scored by each team entered were as follows.

Belgian GP		V e t t e l	W e b b e r	A l o n s o	M a s s a	R ä I k k ö n e n	G r o s j e a n	B u t t o n	P e r e z	H a m I l t o n	R o s b e r g	M a l d o n a d o	B o t t a s	H u l k e n b e r g	G u t I e r r e z	d I R e s t a	S u t i l	V e r g n e	R I c c I a r d o	P I c	v a n d e r G a r d e	B I a n c h i	C h I l t o n
Race Results	Race Finish Position	1	5	2	7	0	8	6	11	3	4	17	15	13	14	0	9	12	10	0	16	18	19
	Starting Grid Position	2	3	9	10	8	7	6	13	1	4	17	20	11	21	5	12	18	19	22	14	15	16
	Fastest Race Lap	Y
	No. Completed Laps	44	44	44	44	25	44	44	44	44	44	43	44	44	44	26	44	44	44	8	43	43	42
	Disqualified?
	No. Stop/Go Penalties
Driver Points Scored	Race Finish Poition	75	30	60	20		15	25		50	40						10		5
	Starting Grid Position	21	20	14	13	15	16	17	10	30	19	6	3	12	2	18	11	5	4	1	9	8	7
	Grid - Race Movement	2	-4	14	6		-2	0	4	-4	0	0	10	-4	14		6	12	18		-4	-6	-6
	Fastest Lap	10
	No. Completed Laps	44	44	44	44	25	44	44	44	44	44	43	44	44	44	26	44	44	44	8	43	43	42
	Disqualified Penalty
	Retirement Penalty					-50										-50				-50
	Stop/Go Penalties
Total Driver Score		152	90	132	83	-10	73	86	58	120	103	49	57	52	60	-6	71	61	71	-41	48	45	43
Chassis Points Scored	No. Completed Laps	44	44	44	44	25	44	44	44	44	44	43	44	44	44	26	44	44	44	8	43	43	42
	Retirement Penalty					-25										-25				-25
Total Chassis Score		44	44	44	44	0	44	44	44	44	44	43	44	44	44	1	44	44	44	-17	43	43	42
Engine Points Scored	Race Finish Poition	75	30	60	20		15	25		50	40						10		5
	Starting Grid Position	21	20	14	13	15	16	17	10	30	19	6	3	12	2	18	11	5	4	1	9	8	7
	Retirement Penalty					-20										-20				-20
Total Engine Score		96	50	74	33	-5	31	42	10	80	59	6	3	12	2	-2	21	5	9	-19	9	8	7

Race Result				Overall Position
Name	Race Total	Race Position		Name	Overall Total	Overall Position
Peter Leatherland	534	1		Singing In The Rain	6036	1
Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee	532	2		Peter Leatherland	5991	2
Pedro Leatherland	530	3		Erik The Elephant	5950	3
Stop Up Villa	526	4		Paul Szomoru	5950	3
Ayr Town Centre	523	5		Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee	5922	5
Robbies Banger Racing	512	6		Ayr Town Centre	5904	6
Donnelly's Danglers	498	7		Houghton Bird	5886	7
Virgin On The Impossible	492	8		Pedro Leatherland	5796	8
Mickey's Motor	491	9		Stop Up Villa	5789	9
Oh You Went To Eton	491	9		Turin Triumph	5772	10
Milton De Silva	487	11		Beast Basher	5757	11
Robbie The Reindeer	486	12		Evo	5752	12
Singing In The Rain	485	13		A Taste Of Honey	5707	13
Charlton's Chumps	482	14		Willy Wonka	5663	14
I'm The Taxman	481	15		David Parkin	5639	15
On the Right Track?	481	15		Robbies Banger Racing	5617	16
Series 6 Episode 45	471	17		Robbie The Reindeer	5611	17
Willy Wonka	469	18		Milton De Silva	5599	18
Turin Triumph	458	19		Kerrie Goodall 1	5582	19
N-Gine	457	20		Series 6 Episode 45	5580	20
Houghton Bird	455	21		Cymru F1	5579	21
Kyalami Racing	455	21		Donnelly's Danglers	5571	22
Team Cymru Am Byth	455	21		Martony Racing One	5522	23
David Parkin	453	24		Virgin On The Impossible	5519	24
Homer Doh!	452	25		On the Right Track?	5508	25
Dan Johnston	450	26		F1HFH	5496	26
Cymru F1	449	27		Homer Doh!	5439	27
Fellside Fools	439	28		Kyalami Racing	5389	28
Babadaboopy	434	29		I'm The Taxman	5374	29
Mal Fletcher	428	30		Catch Me If You Can	5366	30
Evo	426	31		The Wise One	5347	31
The Taxman's Taken All My Dough	425	32		Brazil or Bust	5344	32
Bags, Bags, Bags and More Bags	424	33		Jody Scheckter	5340	33
Cannonball	421	34		The Taxman's Taken All My Dough	5331	34
Mrs Button Wanna Be	420	35		Charlton's Chumps	5330	35
Fury	418	36		Verbalkint	5322	36
Force Sloth Racing	417	37		Claire Teuma	5308	37
Paul Szomoru	414	38		Paduan Racing	5302	38
Mack the Knife	412	39		Cheeky Monkey	5289	39
Flippers Divers	411	40		Mickey's Motor	5267	40
Down Under Girl	408	41		Glendinning	5254	41
Free To Those Who Can Afford It	407	42		Erik Estrada	5234	42
Jody Scheckter	404	43		Bags, Bags, Bags and More Bags	5216	43
Stew the Brew	402	44		Free To Those Who Can Afford It	5212	44
The Wise One	402	44		Labbett Lambaster	5201	45
Bad Day At Work	401	46		Team Cymru Am Byth	5201	45
Erik The Elephant	401	46		TiggyWiggy	5199	47
Maltese Falcon	401	46		Mackaroony	5190	48
Catch Me If You Can	400	49		Honey, Honey	5184	49
Mr Fenster	398	50		1st GB	5183	50
Erik Estrada	395	51		Do'nut Donnelly	5173	51
BezF1	392	52		Cannonball	5170	52
Whickham Racers	390	53		N-Gine	5163	53
Paduan Racing	387	54		Robot Chicken	5163	53
Cheeky Monkey	385	55		Force Sloth Racing	5100	55
A Taste Of Honey	384	56		Fury	5086	56
Red Bull Addict	384	56		Bad Day At Work	5085	57
Claire Teuma	379	58		Down Under Girl	5085	57
Hezza's Heroes 2	378	59		Dan Johnston	5081	59
Charlie Max Gallagher	376	60		Honeycombover	5072	60
Greasy Pistons	374	61		Fellside Fools	5067	61
Lee (God I Love McLaren) Stonehewer	371	62		Chaser Slayer	5048	62
Team GB	368	63		In Arsene We Rust	5030	63
Honey, Honey	363	64		Mrs Button Wanna Be	5025	64
Verbalkint	363	64		Sunday Night Lights	5025	64
Robot Chicken	360	66		Flippers Divers	5010	66
Mustang Sally	359	67		Stew the Brew	4981	67
Mean Machine 00	358	68		Team GB	4974	68
Flip Me Again	357	69		Oh You Went To Eton	4970	69
Never Red	356	70		Mack the Knife	4964	70
Brazil or Bust	355	71		Mr Kobyashi	4959	71
1st GB	349	72		Mal Fletcher	4946	72
Dr. S	347	73		Lucy Locket's Rocket	4926	73
Lucy Locket's Rocket	347	73		At Risk	4914	74
Martony Racing Two	344	75		The Beast's Revenge	4894	75
In Arsene We Rust	343	76		Mark Thompson	4891	76
Mr Kobyashi	343	76		Bantha Fodder	4888	77
Honeycombover	340	78		Babadaboopy	4881	78
Stuart Gunn	337	79		Honey Monster	4877	79
Labbett Lambaster	334	80		Whickham Racers	4875	80
Liar, You've Got Antifreeze	332	81		Mr Fenster	4842	81
Bantha Fodder	331	82		Lee (God I Love McLaren) Stonehewer	4837	82
Michael Maughan	329	83		Mustang Sally	4823	83
Martony Racing One	325	84		ROM	4809	84
The Beast's Revenge	323	85		Kerrie Goodall 2	4790	85
Glendinning	319	86		Greasy Pistons	4788	86
Hezza's Heroes 1	317	87		Luck of the Irish	4784	87
At Risk	315	88		Dannielle Johnston	4782	88
Do'nut Donnelly	313	89		Maltese Falcon	4779	89
Honey Monster	312	90		Never Red	4774	90
Peter Baker	310	91		BezF1	4740	91
Sunday Night Lights	310	91		Carbon Leither	4669	92
Bullet Proof Bomb	309	93		Michael Maughan	4606	93
Flowery Quest	309	93		Team Kaisha	4600	94
Kerrie Goodall 2	305	95		Dr. S	4566	95
Parking at Rascasse	304	96		Ben GP MkII	4562	96
Luck of the Irish	301	97		Flowery Quest	4544	97
Baja Scoch	299	98		Parking at Rascasse	4492	98
Ben GP MkII	297	99		Flip Me Again	4467	99
Carbon Leither	290	100		Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes!	4416	100
Pedro Gallagher	290	100		Red Bull Addict	4395	101
F1HFH	287	102		Nicks Numpties	4392	102
Blanche	284	103		Victoria Concordia Crescit	4380	103
Dannielle Johnston	267	104		Blanche	4372	104
Beast Basher	262	105		Hezza's Heroes 1	4341	105
Chaser Slayer	255	106		Bullet Proof Bomb	4304	106
Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes!	255	106		Larry's Shirt	4303	107
Team Kaisha	252	108		Liar, You've Got Antifreeze	4263	108
TiggyWiggy	230	109		Pedro Gallagher	4243	109
Victoria Concordia Crescit	221	110		Martony Racing Two	4230	110
Mackaroony	220	111		Mean Machine 00	4227	111
Nicks Numpties	219	112		Stuart Gunn	4128	112
Larry's Shirt	199	113		Charlie Max Gallagher	4103	113
Mark Thompson	189	114		Peter Baker	4060	114
ROM	166	115		Hezza's Heroes 2	4021	115
Kerrie Goodall 1	156	116		Baja Scoch	3823	116
Male Average =	382			Male Average =	5096
Female Average =	354			Female Average =	4951

Regards,
Lawrence.