2013 - Race 14 - Korean GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY IS AN ALARM CLOCK GOING "OFF" WHEN IT ACTUALLY TURNS ON?

USELESS FACT:

BROCCOLI AND CAULIFLOWER ARE THE ONLY VEGETABLES THAT ARE FLOWERS.

 

Winter seems to be just around the corner as our glorious summer has suddenly given way to strong autumnal blasts with rain reminiscent of last year’s downpours.  There are no complaints from me as the summer has been outstanding, allowing many days exploring the magnificent Northumbrian countryside being displayed at its best.  The bike does not appear to be so appealing now but this is the weather that sorts the men from the boys, and I’m certainly not a boy any longer.  Lycra is replaced by thermals and waterproofs, sunblock replaced by liniment.  Moisturiser is also something I have to admit is useful after a day in the saddle in the wind and rain, something I’m not embarrassed to admit but which you’ll find difficult to believe if you see me…it doesn’t appear to do anything for me so those pictures of the dramatic effect it has on models must be airbrushed.  So, who wishes that their performance in Korea could be airbrushed from the record?

In the battle of the genders the men continued to show the ladies less mercy than Stalin showed the Gulag prisoners, winning by 462 points to 436.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 6512 points to 6295, thus maintaining their view that girls are like fish... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

Our parade of the hopeless lead by the helpless has a severe look of déjà vu about it this time as all bar one of them were here in the last race or at some stage this season.  In 107^th place with 325 points we have Nicks Numpties finishing the season in a blaze but no glory.  In 108^th place with 324 points we have Mean Machine 00 reawakening after lying dormant, and lying about his age.  In joint 109^th place with 323 points we have Bad Day At Work and Blanche, a combination that even Heston Blumenthal wouldn’t put together.  In 111^th place with 312 points we have Luck of the Irish with his third trawl of the depths in a row, showing that he’s got less luck than Joseph Merrick*.  In 112^th place with 305 points we have Evo with a performance that shows that Evo is not short for evolution.  In 113^th place with 303 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit going down like the Costa Concordia.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 289 points we have Larry's Shirt looking like a busted flush.  In 115^th place with 284 points we have Down Under Girl doing better than the last race but you would need a scanning electron microscope to be able to see the improvement.  Finally, in last place with 260 points we have Pedro Gallagher achieving his hat-trick of last place finishes and cementing his place in infamy.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than a dog with its face out of a car window?  In 10^th place with 574 points we have Beast Basher who has a face that doesn’t so much look as if it’s been lived in as used as a squat.  In joint 8^th place with 586 points we have Houghton Bird and Mickey's Motor whose idea of multitasking is having a manicure and pedicure at the same time.  In 7^th place with 588 points we have Erik Estrada reappearing after his disappointment at losing the hide and seek championships.  In 6^th place with 591 we have Milton De Silva with an encore to his last race performance.  In 5^th place with 597 points we have A Taste Of Honey getting carried away at the prospect of finishing with a bang.  In 4^th place with 610 points we have David Parkin continuing his efforts to achieve respectability for the first time ever in this bit of fun.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than a cat being scratched?  In 3^rd place with 620 points we have Chaser Slayer chasing a chariot to try and get up even more speed.  In 2^nd place with 622 points we have Do'nut Donnelly appearing in a strange place out of the blue, like someone on a witness protection scheme.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner for an unprecedented third race in a row with 629 points is Singing In The Rain who, when it comes to luck feels that it never rains but it pours.

In the overall standings whose standing is lower than the Metropolitan Police in the opinion of Andrew Mitchell?  Falling back into bad habits again in 107^th place with 5396 points we have Nicks Numpties, an anagram of Inept Nick Sums, which sums up this performance.  Rising to 108^th place with 5379 points we have Stuart Gunn who dreams of reading a report that doesn’t mention him.  In 109^th place with 5332 points we have Blanche remaining as stationary as one of her metal sculptures.  Static in 110^th place with 5328 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit whose dreams of victory disappeared where the sun don’t shine long ago.  In 111^th place with 5277 points we have Peter Baker continuing his climb from the abyss.  In 112^th place with 5239 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 continuing her resurrection without the aid of a cave or a stone, although she’d love to lose a stone.  In 113^th place with 5182 points we have Larry's Shirt continuing to plunge like Tom Daley towards the inverse podium of shame.

Now, which triumvirate are occupying the inverse podium of shame now?  Climbing to 114^th place with 5138 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who now has a smile all over his face that isn’t wind because in 115^th place with 5023 points we have Pedro Gallagher who has now fallen below his infant child.  Finally, still in last place, with 4839 points we have Baja Scoch whose chances of success are now more endangered than the Dodo.

Now, whose hopes are higher than my blood pressure after pedalling up a steep hill?  Returning to the top table in 10^th place with 7359 points we have A Taste Of Honey lamenting the shortage of bees…his alphabet soup is such a disappointment.  Rising to 9^th place with 7393 points we have David Parkin who wants to doctor the results to get a boost but not fail the drugs test.  Slipping again to 8^th place with 7438 points we have Erik The Elephant who is now paranoid about seeing banana skins.  Rising one place to 7^th with 7461 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee wondering if someone could write him a new theme tune with more drum and bass.  Staying in 6^th place with 7537 points we have Stop Up Villa, a position he would be delighted if Villa could copy this season.  Slipping to 5^th place with 7539 points we have Pedro Leatherland who was so busy looking up he didn’t see the fall coming.  Dropping off the podium to 4^th place with 7577 points we have Ayr Town Centre losing places like it’s losing shoppers.
 

Our podium dancers this time have changed.  Rising to an astonishing 3^rd place with 7594 points we have Houghton Bird who knows this is her rightful place as someone who has regularly embarrassed herself by her dancing in public, sometimes even without a pole.  Still in 2^nd place with 7815 points we have Peter Leatherland who feels he is banging his head against a glass ceiling at present.  Finally, still our leader with 7972 points is Singing In The Rain who is enjoying the monsoon season at present.

The next race is the Japanese GP on 12^th October.

Regards,

Lawrence.

* Joseph Merrick was the Elephant Man.

2013 - Race 14 - Korean GP Results

The points scored by each driver, chassis, and engine, and the points scored by each team entered were as follows.
 
 

Korean GP		V e t t e l	W e b b e r	A l o n s o	M a s s a	R ä I k k ö n e n	G r o s j e a n	B u t t o n	P e r e z	H a m I l t o n	R o s b e r g	M a l d o n a d o	B o t t a s	H u l k e n b e r g	G u t I e r r e z	d I R e s t a	S u t i l	V e r g n e	R I c c I a r d o	P I c	v a n d e r G a r d e	B I a n c h i	C h I l t o n
Race Results	Race Finish Position	1	0	6	9	2	3	8	10	5	7	13	12	4	11	0	20	18	19	14	15	16	17
	Starting Grid Position	1	13	5	6	9	3	11	10	2	4	18	17	7	8	15	14	16	12	19	20	22	21
	Fastest Race Lap	Y
	No. Completed Laps	55	36	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	24	50	53	52	55	55	55	55
	Disqualified?
	No. Stop/Go Penalties
Driver Points Scored	Race Finish Position	75		25	10	60	50	15	5	30	20			40
	Starting Grid Position	30	10	18	17	14	20	12	13	21	19	5	6	16	15	8	9	7	11	4	3	1	2
	Grid - Race Movement	0		-2	-6	14	0	6	0	-6	-6	10	10	6	-6		-12	-4	-14	10	10	12	8
	Fastest Lap	10
	No. Completed Laps	55	36	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	24	50	53	52	55	55	55	55
	Disqualified Penalty
	Retirement Penalty		-50													-50
	Stop/Go Penalties
Total Driver Score		170	-4	96	76	143	125	88	73	100	88	70	71	117	64	-18	47	56	49	69	68	68	65
Chassis Points Scored	No. Completed Laps	55	36	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	24	50	53	52	55	55	55	55
	Retirement Penalty		-25													-25
Total Chassis Score		55	11	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	55	-1	50	53	52	55	55	55	55
Engine Points Scored	Race Finish Position	75		25	10	60	50	15	5	30	20			40
	Starting Grid Position	30	10	18	17	14	20	12	13	21	19	5	6	16	15	8	9	7	11	4	3	1	2
	Retirement Penalty		-20													-20
Total Engine Score		105	-10	43	27	74	70	27	18	51	39	5	6	56	15	-12	9	7	11	4	3	1	2

 

Race Result				Overall Position
Name	Race Total	Race Position		Name	Overall Total	Overall Position
Singing In The Rain	629	1		Singing In The Rain	7972	1
Do'nut Donnelly	622	2		Peter Leatherland	7815	2
Chaser Slayer	620	3		Houghton Bird	7594	3
David Parkin	610	4		Ayr Town Centre	7577	4
A Taste Of Honey	597	5		Pedro Leatherland	7539	5
Milton De Silva	591	6		Stop Up Villa	7537	6
Erik Estrada	588	7		Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee	7461	7
Houghton Bird	586	8		Erik The Elephant	7438	8
Mickey's Motor	586	8		David Parkin	7393	9
Beast Basher	574	10		A Taste Of Honey	7359	10
Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee	565	11		Milton De Silva	7354	11
Peter Leatherland	558	12		Paul Szomoru	7348	12
Ayr Town Centre	554	13		Cymru F1	7342	13
Cymru F1	552	14		Turin Triumph	7335	14
Stop Up Villa	552	14		Robbies Banger Racing	7298	15
On the Right Track?	543	16		Beast Basher	7284	16
Virgin On The Impossible	542	17		Willy Wonka	7217	17
Robbies Banger Racing	540	18		Series 6 Episode 45	7163	18
Erik The Elephant	534	19		Virgin On The Impossible	7152	19
At Risk	533	20		Donnelly's Danglers	7124	20
Charlton's Chumps	533	20		On the Right Track?	7123	21
Catch Me If You Can	531	22		Evo	7070	22
Paduan Racing	529	23		Catch Me If You Can	7031	23
Pedro Leatherland	529	23		Charlton's Chumps	7021	24
Honeycombover	527	25		Homer Doh!	7011	25
Kyalami Racing	527	25		Kerrie Goodall 1	6975	26
Kerrie Goodall 1	524	27		Kyalami Racing	6971	27
Honey Monster	523	28		Robbie The Reindeer	6968	28
Oh You Went To Eton	522	29		Mickey's Motor	6944	29
N-Gine	517	30		I'm The Taxman	6900	30
Team Cymru Am Byth	516	31		Brazil or Bust	6850	31
Mackaroony	515	32		Erik Estrada	6838	32
ROM	509	33		F1HFH	6819	33
Babadaboopy	507	34		Cheeky Monkey	6813	34
Labbett Lambaster	504	35		Martony Racing One	6812	35
Turin Triumph	501	36		Do'nut Donnelly	6790	36
Series 6 Episode 45	498	37		Labbett Lambaster	6783	37
Mr Kobyashi	496	38		Verbalkint	6783	37
Flippers Divers	493	39		Team Cymru Am Byth	6770	39
Bullet Proof Bomb	490	40		N-Gine	6763	40
Brazil or Bust	486	41		The Wise One	6754	41
Maltese Falcon	485	42		Paduan Racing	6730	42
Homer Doh!	478	43		The Taxman's Taken All My Dough	6704	43
I'm The Taxman	477	44		Cannonball	6682	44
Parking at Rascasse	476	45		Bags, Bags, Bags and More Bags	6672	45
Team GB	476	45		Claire Teuma	6665	46
Carbon Leither	475	47		Jody Scheckter	6656	47
Free To Those Who Can Afford It	475	47		Free To Those Who Can Afford It	6645	48
Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes!	474	49		Dan Johnston	6603	49
1st GB	471	50		Chaser Slayer	6600	50
Force Sloth Racing	468	51		Glendinning	6600	50
Mrs Button Wanna Be	468	51		Honeycombover	6580	52
The Wise One	467	53		1st GB	6564	53
Ben GP MkII	465	54		Mackaroony	6563	54
Cannonball	465	54		Flippers Divers	6510	55
Sunday Night Lights	465	54		Force Sloth Racing	6507	56
Cheeky Monkey	463	57		Honey, Honey	6505	57
Fury	462	58		Robot Chicken	6500	58
Red Bull Addict	461	59		Sunday Night Lights	6492	59
Paul Szomoru	457	60		Team GB	6488	60
Dan Johnston	456	61		Fury	6452	61
Dannielle Johnston	455	62		Fellside Fools	6448	62
Donnelly's Danglers	453	63		Mrs Button Wanna Be	6438	63
Verbalkint	453	63		Honey Monster	6434	64
Willy Wonka	451	65		TiggyWiggy	6371	65
Lee (God I Love McLaren) Stonehewer	447	66		Mack the Knife	6364	66
Flowery Quest	445	67		Babadaboopy	6356	67
Mal Fletcher	442	68		Bad Day At Work	6342	68
Claire Teuma	441	69		Oh You Went To Eton	6340	69
Hezza's Heroes 1	441	69		Maltese Falcon	6332	70
Bantha Fodder	437	71		Mr Kobyashi	6296	71
Never Red	437	71		In Arsene We Rust	6288	72
Team Kaisha	434	73		At Risk	6279	73
Whickham Racers	431	74		Lucy Locket's Rocket	6279	73
Bags, Bags, Bags and More Bags	430	75		Stew the Brew	6275	75
Charlie Max Gallagher	427	76		Mal Fletcher	6254	76
Martony Racing Two	427	76		Bantha Fodder	6233	77
The Taxman's Taken All My Dough	423	78		Lee (God I Love McLaren) Stonehewer	6166	78
Mack the Knife	420	79		ROM	6165	79
Martony Racing One	420	79		Down Under Girl	6153	80
Peter Baker	416	81		Greasy Pistons	6153	80
Dr. S	412	82		Mr Fenster	6135	82
Robot Chicken	411	83		Whickham Racers	6128	83
In Arsene We Rust	406	84		BezF1	6095	84
Fellside Fools	405	85		Mustang Sally	6086	85
Greasy Pistons	400	86		Never Red	6084	86
Liar, You've Got Antifreeze	395	87		Carbon Leither	6067	87
Mark Thompson	395	87		Dannielle Johnston	6052	88
Stuart Gunn	395	87		Mark Thompson	6043	89
Lucy Locket's Rocket	393	90		Kerrie Goodall 2	6023	90
F1HFH	392	91		Ben GP MkII	5997	91
Hezza's Heroes 2	387	92		Team Kaisha	5976	92
BezF1	386	93		The Beast's Revenge	5969	93
Flip Me Again	380	94		Dr. S	5896	94
Robbie The Reindeer	380	94		Parking at Rascasse	5879	95
Stew the Brew	372	96		Michael Maughan	5816	96
TiggyWiggy	370	97		Red Bull Addict	5773	97
The Beast's Revenge	362	98		Bullet Proof Bomb	5754	98
Jody Scheckter	361	99		Flowery Quest	5747	99
Kerrie Goodall 2	359	100		Luck of the Irish	5744	100
Baja Scoch	358	101		Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes!	5703	101
Glendinning	357	102		Flip Me Again	5588	102
Mr Fenster	356	103		Hezza's Heroes 1	5569	103
Honey, Honey	345	104		Liar, You've Got Antifreeze	5478	104
Mustang Sally	339	105		Martony Racing Two	5436	105
Michael Maughan	326	106		Mean Machine 00	5410	106
Nicks Numpties	325	107		Nicks Numpties	5396	107
Mean Machine 00	324	108		Stuart Gunn	5379	108
Bad Day At Work	323	109		Blanche	5332	109
Blanche	323	109		Victoria Concordia Crescit	5328	110
Luck of the Irish	312	111		Peter Baker	5277	111
Evo	305	112		Hezza's Heroes 2	5239	112
Victoria Concordia Crescit	303	113		Larry's Shirt	5182	113
Larry's Shirt	289	114		Charlie Max Gallagher	5138	114
Down Under Girl	284	115		Pedro Gallagher	5023	115
Pedro Gallagher	260	116		Baja Scoch	4839	116
Male Average =	462			Male Average =	6512
Female Average =	436			Female Average =	6295

Regards,
Lawrence.