2013 - Race 14 - Korean GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY IS AN ALARM CLOCK GOING "OFF" WHEN IT ACTUALLY TURNS ON?

USELESS FACT:

BROCCOLI AND CAULIFLOWER ARE THE ONLY VEGETABLES THAT ARE FLOWERS.

 

Winter seems to be just around the corner as our glorious summer has suddenly given way to strong autumnal blasts with rain reminiscent of last year’s downpours.  There are no complaints from me as the summer has been outstanding, allowing many days exploring the magnificent Northumbrian countryside being displayed at its best.  The bike does not appear to be so appealing now but this is the weather that sorts the men from the boys, and I’m certainly not a boy any longer.  Lycra is replaced by thermals and waterproofs, sunblock replaced by liniment.  Moisturiser is also something I have to admit is useful after a day in the saddle in the wind and rain, something I’m not embarrassed to admit but which you’ll find difficult to believe if you see me…it doesn’t appear to do anything for me so those pictures of the dramatic effect it has on models must be airbrushed.  So, who wishes that their performance in Korea could be airbrushed from the record?

In the battle of the genders the men continued to show the ladies less mercy than Stalin showed the Gulag prisoners, winning by 462 points to 436.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 6512 points to 6295, thus maintaining their view that girls are like fish... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

Our parade of the hopeless lead by the helpless has a severe look of déjà vu about it this time as all bar one of them were here in the last race or at some stage this season.  In 107^th place with 325 points we have Nicks Numpties finishing the season in a blaze but no glory.  In 108^th place with 324 points we have Mean Machine 00 reawakening after lying dormant, and lying about his age.  In joint 109^th place with 323 points we have Bad Day At Work and Blanche, a combination that even Heston Blumenthal wouldn’t put together.  In 111^th place with 312 points we have Luck of the Irish with his third trawl of the depths in a row, showing that he’s got less luck than Joseph Merrick*.  In 112^th place with 305 points we have Evo with a performance that shows that Evo is not short for evolution.  In 113^th place with 303 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit going down like the Costa Concordia.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 289 points we have Larry's Shirt looking like a busted flush.  In 115^th place with 284 points we have Down Under Girl doing better than the last race but you would need a scanning electron microscope to be able to see the improvement.  Finally, in last place with 260 points we have Pedro Gallagher achieving his hat-trick of last place finishes and cementing his place in infamy.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than a dog with its face out of a car window?  In 10^th place with 574 points we have Beast Basher who has a face that doesn’t so much look as if it’s been lived in as used as a squat.  In joint 8^th place with 586 points we have Houghton Bird and Mickey's Motor whose idea of multitasking is having a manicure and pedicure at the same time.  In 7^th place with 588 points we have Erik Estrada reappearing after his disappointment at losing the hide and seek championships.  In 6^th place with 591 we have Milton De Silva with an encore to his last race performance.  In 5^th place with 597 points we have A Taste Of Honey getting carried away at the prospect of finishing with a bang.  In 4^th place with 610 points we have David Parkin continuing his efforts to achieve respectability for the first time ever in this bit of fun.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than a cat being scratched?  In 3^rd place with 620 points we have Chaser Slayer chasing a chariot to try and get up even more speed.  In 2^nd place with 622 points we have Do'nut Donnelly appearing in a strange place out of the blue, like someone on a witness protection scheme.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner for an unprecedented third race in a row with 629 points is Singing In The Rain who, when it comes to luck feels that it never rains but it pours.

In the overall standings whose standing is lower than the Metropolitan Police in the opinion of Andrew Mitchell?  Falling back into bad habits again in 107^th place with 5396 points we have Nicks Numpties, an anagram of Inept Nick Sums, which sums up this performance.  Rising to 108^th place with 5379 points we have Stuart Gunn who dreams of reading a report that doesn’t mention him.  In 109^th place with 5332 points we have Blanche remaining as stationary as one of her metal sculptures.  Static in 110^th place with 5328 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit whose dreams of victory disappeared where the sun don’t shine long ago.  In 111^th place with 5277 points we have Peter Baker continuing his climb from the abyss.  In 112^th place with 5239 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 continuing her resurrection without the aid of a cave or a stone, although she’d love to lose a stone.  In 113^th place with 5182 points we have Larry's Shirt continuing to plunge like Tom Daley towards the inverse podium of shame.

Now, which triumvirate are occupying the inverse podium of shame now?  Climbing to 114^th place with 5138 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who now has a smile all over his face that isn’t wind because in 115^th place with 5023 points we have Pedro Gallagher who has now fallen below his infant child.  Finally, still in last place, with 4839 points we have Baja Scoch whose chances of success are now more endangered than the Dodo.

Now, whose hopes are higher than my blood pressure after pedalling up a steep hill?  Returning to the top table in 10^th place with 7359 points we have A Taste Of Honey lamenting the shortage of bees…his alphabet soup is such a disappointment.  Rising to 9^th place with 7393 points we have David Parkin who wants to doctor the results to get a boost but not fail the drugs test.  Slipping again to 8^th place with 7438 points we have Erik The Elephant who is now paranoid about seeing banana skins.  Rising one place to 7^th with 7461 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee wondering if someone could write him a new theme tune with more drum and bass.  Staying in 6^th place with 7537 points we have Stop Up Villa, a position he would be delighted if Villa could copy this season.  Slipping to 5^th place with 7539 points we have Pedro Leatherland who was so busy looking up he didn’t see the fall coming.  Dropping off the podium to 4^th place with 7577 points we have Ayr Town Centre losing places like it’s losing shoppers.
 

Our podium dancers this time have changed.  Rising to an astonishing 3^rd place with 7594 points we have Houghton Bird who knows this is her rightful place as someone who has regularly embarrassed herself by her dancing in public, sometimes even without a pole.  Still in 2^nd place with 7815 points we have Peter Leatherland who feels he is banging his head against a glass ceiling at present.  Finally, still our leader with 7972 points is Singing In The Rain who is enjoying the monsoon season at present.

The next race is the Japanese GP on 12^th October.

Regards,

Lawrence.

* Joseph Merrick was the Elephant Man.