2014 - Race 18 - Brazilian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

IF LOVE IS BLIND HOW CAN YOU HAVE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

USELESS FACT:

THE SPEED WITH WHICH A WOMAN SAYS "NOTHING" WHEN ASKED "WHAT'S WRONG" IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONATE TO THE SEVERITY OF THE STORM THAT IS ON THE WAY.

Autumn has arrived at last and shaken me out of the torpor that the Indian summer had induced in me.  My winter cycling kit has come out of mothballs and a new breathable waterproof Gore-tex jacket ordered to stop me getting wet from the inside while pedalling hard in my current non-breathable waterproof jacket which makes a good impression of being a mobile sauna. So, who is in a sweat after Brazil and who is going nuts?

In the battle of the genders the men, boringly, won again, winning by 509 points to 496, thus extending their overall lead to 7970 points to 7738 and reinforcing their view that girls without curves are like pants without pockets; you have nowhere to put your hands.

In 84^th place with 381 points we have Erik Estrada coming back like an unwelcome dose of athletes foot, something he can never be accused if getting as he’s certainly no athlete.  In joint 85^th place with 379 points we have Bill's No Hopers and Hezza's Hero's with the ugliest performance by a duo since Sonny started abusing Cher.  In 87^th place with 378 points we have Why F1 When You Can F2? whose hopes died along with his libido long ago.  In 88^th place with 368 points we have Aussie Grit which describes what she hopes not to find in her underwear after a trip to the dunny.  In 89^th place again with 363 points we have Team Mackarel staying in the same plaice again.  In 90^th place with 359 points we have Do'nut Donnelly with a performance as stale as his favourite food stuff…stuff being the descriptive part he likes best.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91^st place with 338 points we have Robbie The Reindeer who says he’s saving his strength as he has a strenuous Christmas coming up.  In 92^nd place with 314 points we have the appropriately named In Trouble Again who, thankfully, saved his worst performances of the season for my return.  In 93^rd and last place with 313 points we have Honey, Honey returning to where he first started, the dark ages.

Our top ten this time have all been here before, greedy beggars.  In 10^th place with 632 points we have Breaking Down Bad refusing to go to rehab.  In 9^th place with 633 points we have Bad Hat Harry looking more like a pork pie that his hat of that name.  In 8^th place with 634 points we have Thor's Hammer having a smashing time again.  In 7^th place with 646 points we have Nicks Numpties continuing to enjoy his best season, if not his best haircut.  In 6^th place with 649 points we have Titan Uranus whose ego is now large enough to qualify as a planet in its own right.  In 5^th place with 681 points we have Stig Of The Dump thinking of moving up in the world to a bigger pile.  In 4^th place with 689 points we have Kaiser still hoping to make a move and get lucky, like a shy young lad at a dance.

Over podium squatters this time are all previous residents.  In joint 2^nd place with 691 points we have Debbie Does Dallas and Evo, as delightful a duo as gin and tonic.  Finally, getting bored of champagne and tinnitus from the sound of trumpets, our winner for the fifth time this season with 733 points is Glutæus Maximus who most of the other teams wish was buried in the foundations of a motorway flyover as he’s run away with this season’s competition.

In the overall standings the cells at the bottom are occupied by the same inmates who have been shuffled around like a set of dominos.  Rising to 84^th place with 6363 points we have On the Right Track still heading to oblivion.  Dropping to 85^th place with 6351 points we have Hugh Janus who really has a soggy bottom…and this is not Bake Off.   Stuck in 86^th place with 6265 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 whose diet now includes lots of baking soda in the hope that this will help him rise.  Still in 87^th place with 6260 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins hoping that no-one passes him and pushes him back even further.  Static in 88^th place with 6012 points we have La Dolce Vita whose performances this season have shown very little sign of vita.  Dropping to 89^th place with 5934 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust…definitely looks like bust now.  Dropping to 90^th place with 5877 points we have Do'nut Donnelly going round in ever decreasing circles and disappearing up his own orifice.

Our inverse podium of shame occupants have still not made any moves, much like the challengers to Ed Miliband who are vultures waiting to fight over the impending corpse.  In 91^st place with 5728 points we have Team Mackarel who would like to learn to play the keyboard but can’t find a piano tuna.  Comatose in 92^nd place with 5687 points we have Hezza's Hero's whose performance this season makes Ed Miliband look like a Nobel prize winner for both literature and economics.  Still anchored in 93^rd and last place with 5134 points we have FlippersDivers V1,who is so far behind he is now in a different time zone.

As with those at the wrong end of the table, the top ten are the same, they have just been rearranged slightly for comfort, like a young lads crown jewels in a pair of tight trousers.  Stuck in 10^th place with 10040 points we have Debbie Does Dallas who feels she should have been an archaeologist as her hopes of winning are now in ruins.  Also static in 9^th place with 10062 points we have Thor's Hammer failing to make as much noise as he’d hoped.  Dropping badly to 8^th place with 10167 points we have Deb's Delights hoping she’s landed on a trampoline so that she can get back near the top again.  Rising to 7^th place with 10183 points we have Kaiser hoping for more world domination but steeling himself for more disappointment, just like the last Kaiser.  Remaining in 6^th place with 10218 points we have Bad Hat Harry hoping to turn his chances round, just like his baseball hat.  Edging closer to the podium and up to 5^th place with 10265 points we have Stig Of The Dump smelling success, unlike those around him.  Continuing her ascent and climbing again to 4^th place with 10310 points we have Evo praying for a leg up for a change.

Our podium occupants are slightly deranged rearranged.  Slipping back to 3rd place with 10332 points we have Breaking Down Bad hoping he doesn’t break down any further.  Climbing to 2^nd place with 10339 points we have Titan Uranus`hoping that his stellar season isn’t going to crash like Virgin Galactic.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our leader with 10965 points is still Glutæus Maximus who, if this was cricket would declare as he’s leading by the proverbial street and all of the other teams would need me to award double points in the Abu Dhabi race to have any chance of catching him.

The next race is the Abu Dhabi GP on Sunday 23^rd November.

Regards,

Lawrence.

2014 - Race 18 - Brazilian GP Results

The points scored by each driver, chassis, and engine, and the points scored by each team entered were as follows.

Brazilian GP		V e t t e l	R I c c I a r d o	A l o n s o	R ä I k k ö n e n	G r o s j e a n	M a l d o n a d o	B u t t o n	M a g n u s s e n	H a m I l t o n	R o s b e r g	M a s s a	B o t t a s	S u t I l	G u t I e r r e z	H u l k e n b e r g	P e r e z	V e r g n e	K v y a t	K o b a y a s h i	E r I c s s o n	B I a n c h i	C h I l t o n
Race Results	Race Finish Position	5		6	7	17	12	4	9	2	1	3	10	16	14	8	15	13	11
	Starting Grid Position	6	9	8	10	14	16	5	7	2	1	3	4	13	11	12	18	15	17
	Fastest Race Lap									Y
	No. Completed Laps	71	39	71	71	63	12	71	71	71	71	71	70	70	70	71	70	70	70
	Disqualified?
	No. Stop/Go Penalties
Driver Points Scored	Race Finish Position	30		25	20			40	10	60	75	50	5			15
	Starting Grid Position	13	10	11	9	5	3	14	12	17	30	16	15	6	8	7	1	4	2
	Grid - Race Movement	2		4	6	-6	8	2	-4	0	0	0	-12	-6	-6	8	6	4	12
	Fastest Lap									10
	No. Completed Laps	71	39	71	71	63	12	71	71	71	71	71	70	70	70	71	70	70	70
	Disqualified Penalty
	Retirement Penalty		-50
	Stop/Go Penalties
Total Driver Score		116	-1	111	106	62	23	127	89	158	176	137	78	70	72	101	77	78	84	25	36	45	46
Chassis Points Scored	No. Completed Laps	71	39	71	71	63	12	71	71	71	71	71	70	70	70	71	70	70	70
	Retirement Penalty		-25
Total Chassis Score		71	14	71	71	63	12	71	71	71	71	71	70	70	70	71	70	70	70	28	37	41	43
Engine Points Scored	Race Finish Position	30		25	20			40	10	60	75	50	5			15
	Starting Grid Position	13	10	11	9	5	3	14	12	17	30	16	15	6	8	7	1	4	2
	Retirement Penalty		-20
Total Engine Score		43	-10	36	29	5	3	54	22	77	105	66	20	6	8	22	1	4	2	-5	-4	1	0

Race Result				Overall Position
Name	Race Total	Race Position		Name	Overall Total	Overall Position
Glutæus Maximus	733	1		Glutæus Maximus	10965	1
Debbie Does Dallas	691	2		Titan Uranus	10339	2
Evo	691	2		Breaking Down Bad	10332	3
Kaiser	689	4		Evo	10310	4
Stig Of The Dump	681	5		Stig Of The Dump	10265	5
Titan Uranus	649	6		Bad Hat Harry	10218	6
Nicks Numpties	646	7		Kaiser	10183	7
Thor's Hammer	634	8		Deb's Delights	10167	8
Bad Hat Harry	633	9		Thor's Hammer	10062	9
Breaking Down Bad	632	10		Debbie Does Dallas	10040	10
Henry's Cars	631	11		Mr Kobyashi	9722	11
Bona Eventui	621	12		Nicks Numpties	9651	12
Hadley GP	615	13		The Don	9532	13
Baja Scoch 2	611	14		Hadley GP	9516	14
Cockand Bull	602	15		Bona Eventui	9410	15
It Just Sounds Wrong	600	16		Antenociticus	9341	16
Kyalami Racing	596	17		Henry's Cars	9274	17
Antenociticus	595	18		Baja Scoch 2	9253	18
Baja Scoch	595	18		Nurse Judy	8963	19
Mr Kobyashi	591	20		Fellside Fools	8892	20
Mickey & Lula Speed Demons	580	21		Taranis	8854	21
Jenson's Buttons	574	22		Baja Scoch	8791	22
Milton De Silva	573	23		Erik The Elephant	8781	23
Bring Back Kinnear	570	24		Cockand Bull	8765	24
The Don	570	24		Nandrolone	8627	25
Fury	563	26		Aussie Grit	8526	26
Fletch Lives	561	27		Fury	8430	27
Nurse Judy	561	27		David Parkin	8265	28
Dannielle Johnston	559	29		It Just Sounds Wrong	8264	29
SOHO	553	30		Team Mitch	8251	30
Robbies Banger Racing	550	31		Whickham Racers	8237	31
Erik The Elephant	540	32		Bill's No Hopers	8217	32
Fellside Fools	538	33		Mustang Sally	8217	32
Smoke Tabs, Drink Beer, Talk Shite	537	34		Milton De Silva	8197	34
Jody Scheckter	536	35		Honey, Honey	8184	35
I'm The Taxman	531	36		Kyalami Racing	8150	36
Deb's Delights	526	37		FlippersDivers	8148	37
Team Mitch	525	38		F1HFH 2014	8087	38
Gunn Metal	520	39		I'm The Taxman	8070	39
I Love Beer	519	40		Gunn Metal	8068	40
David Parkin	518	41		Jenson's Buttons	8062	41
Virgin On The Impossible	517	42		Bring Back Kinnear	8030	42
Luck of the Irish	505	43		Luck of the Irish	8017	43
F1HFH 2014	502	44		Charlie Johnston	8013	44
Bullet Proof Bomb	500	45		Robbies Banger Racing	7903	45
203020	498	46		Virgin On The Impossible	7839	46
Whickham Racers	497	47		Chilling Gus	7813	47
Charlie Johnston	494	48		Smoke Tabs, Drink Beer, Talk Shite	7797	48
Pie Axe	488	49		Mercedes AMG	7751	49
Irene Loves McLaren	486	50		Fraser's Faster	7743	50
Donnelly's Danglers	484	51		Donnelly's Danglers	7735	51
Baja Scoch 3	482	52		Dannielle Johnston	7733	52
C'est la vie	481	53		Wild Thyme	7727	53
FlippersDivers	480	54		Fletch Lives	7650	54
Brandling Villa	478	55		203020	7560	55
On the Right Track	477	56		Robbie The Reindeer	7522	56
Taranis	477	56		Jody Scheckter	7456	57
Abu Dhabi or Bust	471	58		Baja Scoch 3	7425	58
Mean Machine 00	469	59		SOHO	7425	58
I Love Beer Too	468	60		Brandling Villa	7343	60
El Paso by Marty Robins	466	61		Mickey & Lula Speed Demons	7341	61
Fraser's Faster	465	62		Houghton Bird	7330	62
Mustang Sally	459	63		I Love Beer	7324	63
Mercedes AMG	458	64		Team JB	7307	64
A Taste Of Honey	457	65		I Love Beer Too	7233	65
Nandrolone	454	66		Stop Up Villa	7140	66
Team Tuna	450	67		A Taste Of Honey	7079	67
Michael Maughan	449	68		C'est la vie	7079	67
Houghton Bird	446	69		Mean Machine 00	7067	69
Ticketyboo Guess Who	445	70		Irene Loves McLaren	7039	70
Hugh Janus	441	71		Zabaleta is a Manc	7009	71
Honey Monster	440	72		Pie Axe	6964	72
Chilling Gus	438	73		Honey Monster	6955	73
Honeycombover	432	74		McLaren All The Way	6882	74
Team JB	431	75		In Trouble Again	6828	75
McLaren All The Way	429	76		Ticketyboo Guess Who	6733	76
Wild Thyme	419	77		Bullet Proof Bomb	6669	77
Stop Up Villa	416	78		Claire Teuma	6643	78
Claire Teuma	410	79		Erik Estrada	6605	79
FlippersDivers V1	410	79		Why F1 When You Can F2?	6538	80
Bottom of the Barrel +1	400	81		Honeycombover	6474	81
La Dolce Vita	400	81		Team Tuna	6431	82
Zabaleta is a Manc	389	83		Michael Maughan	6413	83
Erik Estrada	381	84		On the Right Track	6363	84
Bill's No Hopers	379	85		Hugh Janus	6351	85
Hezza's Hero's	379	85		Bottom of the Barrel +1	6265	86
Why F1 When You Can F2?	378	87		El Paso by Marty Robins	6260	87
Aussie Grit	368	88		La Dolce Vita	6012	88
Team Mackarel	363	89		Abu Dhabi or Bust	5934	89
Do'nut Donnelly	359	90		Do'nut Donnelly	5877	90
Robbie The Reindeer	338	91		Team Mackarel	5728	91
In Trouble Again	314	92		Hezza's Hero's	5687	92
Honey, Honey	313	93		FlippersDivers V1	5134	93
Male Average =	509			Male Average =	7970
Female Average =	496			Female Average =	7738

Regards,
Lawrence.