2012 - Race 10 - German GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY DO THEY STERILIZE NEEDLES FOR LETHAL INJECTIONS?

USELESS FACT:

IF YOU HELP SOMEONE WHEN THEY'RE IN TROUBLE, THEY WILL REMEMBER YOU WHEN THEY'RE IN TROUBLE AGAIN.

What a few days of great sport we have had.  The German GP, the British Open golf, the England - South Africa cricket test match.  However, Bradley Wiggins winning the Tour de France is by far the most outstanding sporting achievement so far this year/decade (delete as you feel appropriate).  In spite of what happens in the Olympics, they might as well give him the BBC Sports Personality of the Year trophy now.  Allez Wiggo!  Take your holidays in France and boast about Britain being the world’s leading cycling nation, a fact we’ll confirm at the Olympics, the greatest show on earth, which start this week.  Anyway, speaking of conquering France, how did you get on in the German GP?  Did you come away feeling like Hitler or Churchill?

In the Battle of the Genders the men did a streak retained their winning streak, winning by 501 points to 485. The men are now in the overall lead by 3,875 points to 3,869, reinforcing their view that women’s work is never done because they don’t get up early enough.

So, who qualified for eviction from the Big Brother House this time?  In joint 137^th place with 405 points we have the delinquent duo of Erik The Elephant and See What Alcohol Does To You? with their version of the blind leading the lame.  In 139^th place with 398 points we have the second appearance of Singapore Slingers, sadly at the opposite end to his first appearance, like getting dandruff followed by haemorrhoids.  In 140^th place with 396 points we have For Whom the Bell Tolls making his debut this season much later than expected.  In 141^st place with 382 points we have Bazinga performing like a drunk and making it a double following his disaster in the previous race.  In 142^nd place with 343 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb who’d have more luck getting a Frisbee off a Rottweiler.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 143^rd place with 335 points we have Julie Gallagher, making an unwelcome entrance, and Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer, making an unwelcome reappearance, thus making as unlikely a couple as Cameron and Clegg, and just as successful.  In 145^th place with 334 points we have Sidders NDC, who started so promisingly but has descended into misery, like many of his early romantic relationships.  Finally, in last place with 321 points we have Stephen Neild who had as much luck in this race as he does with his usual chat-up line, “Does his rag smell of chloroform to you?”

Most of our decadent decade this time have appeared here before, but we have a couple of debutants.  In 10^th place with 613 points we have Martony Racing 1 returning more often than an alcoholic’s thirst.  In 9^th place with 620 points we have Peter Leatherland making it two top ten’s contiguously.  In 8^th place with 624 points we have Colin Potts who hasn’t been this pleased since having to wear nipple clamps on a stag do.  In 7^th place with 625 points we have Eccles, or resident village idiot and patron saint of imbeciles.  In 6^th place with 626 points we have Wideopen Beavers happier than a podgy porcine in poo.  In 5^th place with 628 points we have Mike Banks who is starting to make this a habit he would like to retain, unlike nose picking.  In 4^th place with 629 points we have Charlton's Chumps reappearing after a long absence…like rickets, according to the BMA.

Our podium posers this time are proof that it’s better to be born lucky than born brainy.  In 3^rd place with 630 points we have David Parkin who hasn’t been this surprised or happy since getting his Doctorate.  In 2^nd place with 642 points we have Millenium Falcon replenishing his ego level at the prospect of glory and free booze.  Finally, with 654 points, the champagne and trophy for this race go to our winner, Mr Fenster, flying to the top and burning his flag of failure.

All of the teams at the bottom are not so much entrenched as set in concrete as they all remain in exactly the same place.  In 137^th place with 2989 points we have Team Holynski, who hasn’t got a label on him saying he’s got Intel inside.  In 138^th place with 2895 points we have Merlions still trying to work out which way is up.  In 139^th place with 2862 points we have Blast From The Past who is finding that the only way he’ll get higher is with the aid of a pole, a tutu and some dancing.  Remaining in 140^th place with 2559 points we have From Marussia With Love whose lack of movement is raising the prospect of deep vein thrombosis.  Still in 141^st place with 2455 points we have Erik The Elephant who I met for a drink in a bar recently, and as he came in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.  "Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed them.  Feeling pleased with himself he swaggered over to me and told me a girl had just rated him a nine out of ten.  "I don't want to ruin it for you," I said, "but when I walked in they were speaking German."  Still in joint 142^nd place with 2412 points we have the terminal twins of And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, a duo whose chances of saving any of their dignity are as likely as Jedward becoming astronauts.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 2393 points we still have Donnelly's Danglers, who disproves the saying that wisdom comes with age.  Still in 145^th place with 2349 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? who sadly  has a face that looks like he's been ram raiding on a scooter.  Finally, still in last place with 2346 points we have Last Man Standing who should hire John Terry’s lawyer to prove that he’s not as stupid as he looks.

In the overall race, the positions at the top of the table, where the occupants have more genes than jeans, have changed again.  In 10^th place with 4494 we have Martony Racing 1 going almost as fast as his pulse rate, which is easily keeping pace with his age.  Rising to 9^th place with 4497 points we have Peter Leatherland breaking and entering into the honours list.  In 8^th place with 4505 points we have Do'nut Donnelly remaining stationary, unlike his waistline.  In 7^th place with 4509 points we have Toma's A Team, whose chances are now receding faster than his hairline.  Climbing to 6^th place with 4513 points we have Mack-Aroony starting to feel comfortable in this rarefied atmosphere, like a Nepalese Sherpa on Everest.  Pleased to have risen to 5^th place with 4527 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne complaining about having to mix with the hoi polloi he feels are beneath him.  Climbing back on the honours list in 4^th place with 4581 points we have Mr Fenster feeling felicitous, finding fortitude from fourth.

So, who are the proud podium posers now?  Slipping to 3^rd place with 4628 points we have X-Wing looking for a power point to recharge his light sabre.  Zooming into 2^nd place with 4633 points we have Millenium Falcon employing Jedi powers to eliminate his enemies opponents.  Finally, remaining in first place with 4694 points is Bis Bravehearts pinching himself at retaining his position, if not his senses, looks, figure, hair or teeth.

The next race is the Hungarian GP at Hungaroring on Sunday 29^th July, by which time I hope that Mark Cavendish, aka The Manx Missile, has won the Olympic men’s cycling road race assisted by Bradley Wiggins and the rest of the Team GB cycling team, cheered on by some of the old farts that I ride with from Ponteland each week who are going down to Box Hill to add their support, and then ride home over five days when they’ve sobered up after the celebrations.

Regards,

Lawrence.