2012 - Race 8 - European GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:
WHY DO AMERICANS CHOOSE FROM JUST TWO PEOPLE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT AND 50 FOR MISS AMERICA?

USELESS FACT:

IATA AIRPORT CODES INCLUDE BUM (BUTLER AIRPORT, USA), PEE (PERM AIRPORT, RUSSIA), POO (POCOS DE CALDAS AIRPORT, BRAZIL) AND SEX (SEMBACH AIRPORT, GERMANY).

I said in the last report that if the rain continued I expected to see Noah and his Ark.  Well, even Noah would have struggled to cope with the biblical downpour caused by the supercell thunderstorm that deluged Tyneside last week.  He would have needed an aqualung just to stand on the deck.  I’m pleased I wasn’t out on my bike as even Sir Chris Hoy can’t do underwater cycling.  If there were any turkeys standing outside and looking up to the heavens as the rain fell they would have been drowned with the water going down their nose, let alone coming up past their heads.  Talking of turkeys, how did you do in the European GP?

In the Battle of the Genders the ladies maintained their winning ways, just winning by the slender margin of 394 points to 392, but, as the men say, size doesn’t matter.  The ladies extended their overall lead, which is now 3,048 points to 3,022. This reinforces the ladies’ view that men are like department store sales...their clothes are always half off.

So, who came out of Valencia feeling Valkyrian and who came out feeling valetudinarian?  In 137^th place with 269 points we have Sidders NDC with a performance as welcome as skid marks on his underwear.  In joint 138^th place with 268 points we have the terrible triumvirate of Cattermole F1, Erik The Elephant and Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer taking their time to tumble towards tragedy.  In 141^st place with 265 points we have From Marussia With Love continuing to perform like a juggler with no arms.  In 142^nd place with 263 points we have Celtic Heroes falling from obscurity and wishing he was still there.  In 143^rd place with 250 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb, defused and confused.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 144^th place with 248 points we have Cayman Judo Sheen with a performance more confused than Charlie Sheen, and Clueless Aussie sampling life in the slow lane.  Finally, in last place with 216 points we have Fork It! finally finding his natural level…subterranean.

Now, our decadent decade are led in 10^th place with 512 points by Mike Banks reappearing after his earlier exertions for another ego massage.  In joint 8^th place with 513 points we have Alright Here? and Verbalkint rising like The Creature From the Black Lagoon from the depths they have plumbed all season.  In 7^th place with 524 points we have Mr McManus coming back like the rain this year.  In 6^th place with 527 points we Olivia's Army, who, like the Olympic flame, never goes out.  In 5^th place with 536 points we have Dean Keaton making his debut this season, and smiling more than his namesake Buster.  In 4^th place with 542 points we have Craig Pattison whose results have gone from the ridiculous to the sublime this season, but ridiculous remains his fashion style.

Now, who are the podium posers this time? In 3^rd place with 543 points we have X-Wing zooming in like a hungry pigeon after a breadcrumb for his third podium place this season.  In 2^nd place with 545 points we have Mr Kobyashi making an unexpected appearance at the end of the table he’s avoided like the plague so far this season.  Finally, showering everyone with champagne, our winner this race with 549 points is The Leg Ends, appearing out of nowhere like teenage acne.

Only two teams change places at the bottom, where most occupants are now more firmly entrenched than the Moon’s orbit around the Earth.  Still in 137^th place with 2188 points we have Blast From The Past still looking for a way out of the maze that is his twisted mind.  In 138^th place with 2116 points we have Merlions continuing to perform more like a fish than a lion.  In 139^th place with 2059 points we have Team Holynski returning to the den of iniquity.  Remaining in 140^th place with 1807 points we have From Marussia With Love losing his own cold war with his sanity.  Still in 141^st place with 1709 points we have Erik The Elephant who needs a miracle, but he couldn’t even carry water in a bucket let alone walk on water.  Still in joint 142^nd place with 1665 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, a couple who get on like a house on fire…they both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 1644 points we still have Donnelly's Danglers collecting shame and parking tickets.  Still in 145^th place with 1604 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? who the NHS are considering using for a health awareness campaign to boost healthy eating and exercise…as the ’before’ face.  Finally, still in last place with 1599 points we have Last Man Standing who admits that the only reason he would take up walking is so that he could hear heavy breathing again.

In the overall race, the positions at the end of the table where the occupants would be accepted as organ donors are changing faster than a politician’s stance.  In 10^th place with 3589 we have Major Dennis Bloodnok dropping faster than the whiskey level in his hip flask.  Falling to 9^th place with 3631 points we have Erik Estrada who doesn’t care that alcohol doesn’t solve any problems because milk doesn’t either.  In 8^th place with 3636 points we have Millenium Falcon rising again like the Mary Rose...old, decayed and missing most of his parts.  In 7^th place with 3638 points we have Mack-Aroony finally making the top ten and hoping she’s not a one hit wonder.  In 6^th place with 3669 points we have Mr Fenster rising again like the flood levels across the country.  Plummeting to 5^th place with 3691 points we have Neddie Seagoon falling faster than the reputation of Barclay’s bank.  In 4^th place with 3698 points we have Bis Bravehearts, our proud Caledonian, now getting excited at the thought of potential glory and hoping this isn’t a case of premature Jock elation.

So, who are the podium posers now?  In 3^rd place with 3711 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, proof that many people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.  Zooming into 2^nd place with 3723 points we have X-Wing rising faster than Han Solo at the thought of Princess Leia.  Finally, our leader now with 3736 points is Toma's A Team amazing himself, and everyones else, by performing at a level higher than the large hadron collider needed to find the Higgs-Boson particle.

The next race is the British GP at Silverstone on Sunday 8^th July.

Regards,

Lawrence.