2012 - Race 9 - British GP report

USELESS QUESTION:

IF WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING, WHY DO THEY KEEP SCORE?

USELESS FACT:

A PASSIONATE KISS IS LIKE A SPIDER’S WEB AS IT CAN LEAD TO THE UNDOING OF A FLY.

My daughter, Faye, is getting married on 4^th August, and I am not in control of my life at present.  Over the last few weeks and months, as the planning for the wedding has progressed - the olympics have been easier to plan! - she has gone through many stages of pre-marital stress, from just being annoying to being hyper and really annoying.  I now understand why some animals eat their young.  My son asked me how much it cost to get married.  I replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”  Mother was not amused.  Anyway, did the British GP give you the opportunity the brag about your bravura performance or leave you like Mother left me, bruised and battered?

In the Battle of the Genders the men returned to winning ways with a bravura performance of their own, winning by 353 points to 337. The ladies remain in the overall lead but their lead is now reduced to 3,385 points to 3,375. The ladies are not nervous as they still think that men are like place mats…they only show up when there's food on the table.

The retirements in the race means that we have a new crop of victims some new tenants in the underworld.  In 137^th place with 210 points we have Bazinga surfacing just when she thought it was safe to go back in the water.  In 138^th place with 209 points we have Blast From The Past remaining entrenched in, what has become for him, home territory.  In 139^th place with 201 points we have the second coming of Ava Honora, which is not the type of second coming he was hoping for.  In 140^th place with 198 points we have CaspAir Racing dropping further than the credibility of G4S at the Olympics.  In 141^st place with 194 points we have Paul Szomoru, whose surname Scrabble score of 18 is matched by the score for the description of this performance…total utter crap.  In 142^nd place with 190 points we have Flowery Quest, whose quest for a season of quiet anonymity is ruined by this performance which smells as much as the Corpse Flower (Amorphophallus Titanum), and she hopes this happens as often as that flowers.  In 143rd place with 173 points we have I Love Shoes falling flat on her face as if she had broken a heel.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 139 points we have Rupert Murdoch Will Ruin F1 performing like Rupert Murdoch in front of the MP’s…he couldn’t care less.  Now, if my memory serves me right, for the first time in the history of our little bit of high speed fun, the last two places are being contested by bed fellows.  In 145^th place with 80 points we have Dan Johnston, who can only take solace from the fact that he did better than his better half, Dannielle Johnston, who is in last place with 68 points.  A word in your ear Dan…there are some times in your life when it’s best to keep your mouth shut, even when you have the moral high ground.

Our decadent decade this time is really a dirty dozen, and, while some of the occupants are new to this, some of the occupants give decadence a bad name.  In joint 10^thplace with 484 points we have the mad menagerie of Red Bull Gives You Wins, Spot the Dog and Wide Castores Abiertas, a bull, a dog and a beaver.  In 9^th place with 491 points we have Ben GP who is delighted to taste glory again, instead of the humble pie he’s used to eating.  In joint 7^th place with 497 points we have Bis Bravehearts, overachieving again as he becomes the only Scotsman to enter the medals table before the Olympics, and Houghton Bird, smiling broadly at the thought of another turn on the table.  In 6^th place with 500 points we David Parkin, who knew that his ‘ology’ would come in useful one day.  In 5^th place with 511 points we have Celebes Racing breaking the habit of a lifetime and actually putting his head above the parapet for the first time and hoping that he’s not going to get something thrown at him.  In 4^th place with 512 points we have Faffanella showing that Aussies can, finally, do something right in sport.

Now, our podium posers this time are proof that if at first you don’t succeed try, try again…and I have found them to be very trying for years.  In 3^rd place with 516 points we have Peter Leatherland, a man who, over the years, has been used by me as cannon fodder more often than an infantryman in the trenches in World War 1.  In 2^nd place with 529 points we have the huge figure hugely unlikely figure of Ticketyboo Guess Who, who had problems with his medication recently when he mixed up his Regaine hair restorer and Viagra, and he’s now got really thick hair but it’s too stiff to comb.  Finally, drinking the champagne and leaving nothing in the bottle for anyone else, as usual, our winner this race with 546 points is Virgin On The Impossible, a girl who is frequently on top, but didn’t expect her private life to be replicated here.

Two teams swop places at the bottom, where the occupants are now more firmly entrenched than the rain.   Rising to 137^th place with 2481 points we have Team Holynski, who is grateful for small mercies and any gain he can get.  In 138^thplace with 2406 points we have Merlions still in a position as unwelcome as the weather forecast.  Dropping to 139^th place with 2397 points we have Blast From The Past doing the impossible by getting worse.  Remaining in 140^th place with 2148 points we have From Marussia With Love whose chances of success are now more remote than Siberia.  Still in 141^stplace with 2050 points we have Erik The Elephant who admits to having flabby thighs, but, fortunately, his stomach covers them.  Still in joint 142^nd place with 2003 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel performing like the G4S Olympic security guards…not turning up.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 1983 points we still have Donnelly's Danglers frightening the horses and bringing a blush to his cheeks.  Still in 145^thplace with 1944 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? who takes comfort from the fact that fat people are harder to kidnap.  Finally, still in last place with 1937 points we have Last Man Standing scrapping along the bottom like a fishing trawler but going even slower.

In the overall race, the positions at the top of the table, where the occupants could work in McDonald’s rather than be cooked in McDonald’s, have changed around a lot.  In 10^th place with 3943 we have Erik Estrada, who continues to slide down gently like a well-oiled pole dancer, and a lot of people would pay good money to see him as that.  Falling to 9^th place with 3964 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, our resident snake oil salesman desperately trying to cling onto his position if not his reputation, which he is trying to shed like a snake sheds it’s skin.  In 8^th place with 3973 points we have Do'nut Donnelly making his top ten debut late in life, just like Terry Wogan, but not as slim.  In 7^th place with 3985 points we have Return of the Mac showing that serving burgers at Grand Prix speed really makes them fast food.  Climbing to 6^th place with 3991 points we have Millenium Falcon hunting down the leaders and hoping to get his talons into them.  Plummeting from the pinnacle to 5^th place with 3999 points we have Toma's A Team facing up to a dose of reality.  Rising one place to 4^th with 4003 points we have Neddie Seagoon the narcoleptic barrage balloon impressionist.

So, who are the proud podium posers now?  Shooting up to 3^rd place with 4049 points we have Mack-Aroony showing she has staying power, like a Tour de France rider without the sweat.  Zooming into 2^nd place with 4059 points we have X-Wing exceeding expectations and expecting ecstasy.  Finally, returning to the pinnacle with 4195 points is Bis Bravehearts, aiming high as he tries to become the first Scotsman to win anything since Bannockburn.

The next race is the German GP at Hockenheim on Sunday 22^nd July.

Regards,

Lawrence.