2012 - Race 16 - Korean GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

IF MONEY DOESN’T GROW ON TREES, WHY DOES A TREE SURGEON COST SO MUCH?

USELESS TIP:

DON'T SNEEZE WHEN SOMEONE IS CUTTING YOUR HAIR.

 

When I was out cycling with the other old farts today, Tuesday 16^th October, I had my first experience of underwater cycling.  Following heavy overnight rain we came across a flooded road where the water didn’t appear to be too deep.  Sadly, on cycling through the water we found that our pedals disappeared under the water.  Happily my waterproof shoe covers kept most of the water out of my cycling shoes, but those who weren’t wearing theirs were not so lucky and finished up pouring the water out of their shoes when we stopped at the pub for lunch.  After a nice pub lunch we cycled home, where I found that my wife, Lady Audrey, had emptied her purse out on the kitchen table and was counting all the 1p's and 2p's when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."  Speaking of change, did your luck change at the Korean GP?

In the Battle of the Genders the ladies continued their winning ways, winning by 391 points to 383. In the overall race, the ladies now extend their lead to 6200 points to 6163, thus reinforcing their view that men are like commercials…you can't believe a word they say.

So, who wants to lie about their performance and who wants to brag?  In joint 137^th place with 186 points we have Lapped Again and See What Alcohol Does To You? with their pantomime horse impression of a drunk three legged donkey.  In joint 139^th place with 185 points we have the Donnelly's Danglers, Last Man Standing, Mrs Button Wanna Be and Team Holynski, with their impression of the four horsemen of the Acropolis.  In 143^rd place with 121 points we have Alright Here? for which the answer is “No.”

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 82 points we have Nick's No Hopers again failing in his pledge to keep his head down and becoming a sniper’s target again.  In 145^th place with 72 points we have Colin Potts posting his worst performance this season, which is worse than Santa forgetting to post his Christmas cards to his elves. In 146^th and last place with 65 points we have Team MON, which is an acronym for Mackemland's Original Numpty.

We have two debutants in our decadent decade this time.  In 10^th place with 524 points we have Martony Racing 2 desperately trying to keep up with his other half.  In 9^th place with 528 points we have Bis Bravehearts, a lecherous Jock who once lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings, and sold her four of them.  In 8^th place with 531 points we have X-Wing returning to the top after having fallen in with a bad crowd and plumbed the depths recently, thus ruining his chance this season in spite of this.  In 7^th place with 538 points we have MON's Love Machine, another deluded soul drawing herself up to her full height to get this high.  Making his debut in 6^th place with 546 points we have Racing Sambo, who should be reported to Trading Standards as he’s been strolling and not racing so far this season.  In joint 4^th place with 547 points we have Celebes Racing and Virgin On The Impossible in a tryst that is illegal, immoral and physically impossible for most people.

Our podium squatters this time are led in 3^rd place with 548 points by Stephen Neild AR making his debut and appearing out of nowhere, as his performances this season have varied between mediocre and pathetic.  In 2^nd place with 557 points we have Endoskull reappearing after lying dormant for a while, like a dose of thrush.  Finally, with 618 points, the winners laurel wreath and trophy for this race go to Rupert Murdoch Will Ruin F1 with a performance that not even he, a psychic, or Derren Brown could have foreseen.

The teams at the bottom are like the Russian election results, boringly predictable.  Rising one place to 137^th place with 4894 points we have Blast From The Past primed for action but no-one’s pushing the detonation button.  Also rising one place to 138^th place with 4893 points we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer continuing his slow climb from the pit of despair.  In 139^th place with 4851 points we have Team Holynski dropping faster than Felix Baumgartner.  Still in 140^th place with 4263 points we have From Marussia With Love, just in to watch James Bond in Skyfall.  Remaining in 141^st place with 4030 points we have Erik The Elephant tiptoeing quietly so as not to draw attention to his continued failure.  Static in 142^nd place with 3813 points we have Donnelly's Danglers dragging along at the back like the cow’s tail.

The occupants of the inverse podium of shame are proving harder to move than the travellers from the Dale Farm site in Basildon.  In joint 143^rd place with 3815 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, who are yoked together like a pair of oxen, and moving just as slowly.  In 145^th place with 3791 points we have Last Man Standing going weak at the knees at the prospect of not being the last man standing.  Finally, still in last place with 3724 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, the standard by which every other entrants measures themselves when they want to look good.

At the top of the table, the inmates have been boarding up the windows to prevent others getting in.  Dropping to 10^thplace with 7150 points we have Erik Estrada, who said he would rather give up drinking than give up his winner’s title from last season, or was it vice versa?  Still in 9^th place with 7163 points we have Mack The Knife, trying to cut the throat of her competitors.  Rising to 8^th place with 7164 points we have Peter Leatherland squeezing through the window like a burglar before it was boarded up.  Sliding down to 7^th place with 7249 points we have Neddie Seagoon, patron saint of the morbidly obese.  Rising to 6^th place with 7337 points we have Do'nut Donnelly, with a performance that is as sweet and dentally devastating as his team’s name.  Dropping again to 5^th place with 7360 points we have Martony Racing 1 hanging in there like a beer gut that refuses to budge.  Rising again, like William Wallace, to 4^th place with 7406 points we have Bis Bravehearts, who now has two years to make his mind up if he wants to vote for an independent Scotland and retain his pride or retain the union with the rest of GB and retain the subsidies.

So, who are our podium posers now?  Still in 3^rd place with 7482 we have Fletch Lives, who continues to confound medical science and everyone else who comes into contact with him.  Slipping to 2^nd place with 7486 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne insulting all the ‘plebs’ around him at the indignity of not being allowed to leave the top spot through the front gate.  Finally, our leader once again with 7527 points is Eccles, who hasn’t a clue where he is, how he got there, or how he’s going to get home in time for his tea.

The next race is the Indian GP at New Delhi on Sunday 28^th October.

 

Regards,

Lawrence.

2012 - Race 16 - Korean GP Results

Race Result
Name	Race Total	Race Position
Rupert Murdoch Will Ruin F1	618	1
Endoskull	557	2
Stephen Neild AR	548	3
Celebes Racing	547	4
Virgin On The Impossible	547	4
Racing Sambo	546	6
MON's Love Machine	538	7
X-Wing	531	8
Bis Bravehearts	528	9
Martony Racing 2	524	10
In Arsense We Trust	523	11
Mr McManus	523	11
Paul Szomoru	523	11
Peter Leatherland	523	11
Brazil or Bust	520	15
Do'nut Donnelly	518	16
Neeeaaaooowww	518	16
Spot the Dog	513	18
Faffanella	506	19
Mike Banks	504	20
Eccles	499	21
I Love Shoes	495	22
Party With Marty	494	23
Pedro Da Gallagher	488	24
Verbalkint	485	25
Ailene Marshall	483	26
Bluebottle	483	26
JCs Magical Mystery Tour	482	28
Warning: Contains ASBESTOS	479	29
Houghton Bird	476	30
Martin Bell	473	31
Will I Get More Than 0pts In a Season?	473	31
Fork It!	470	33
F1 HFH	465	34
Mr Kobyashi	465	34
The Leg Ends	465	34
Mack-Aroony	464	37
Red 5	463	38
White Lightning	463	38
Celtic Heroes	462	40
Fletch Lives	459	41
Ticketyboo Guess Who	459	41
Clueless Aussie	457	43
Pedro Leatherland	457	43
HF1 Racing	452	45
Dirty Leeds	451	46
In Arsene We Rust	451	46
Count Jim Moriarty	449	48
Hadld Racing	446	49
Chase Unnamed Joy	445	50
NorfolkandChanceF1.com	439	51
Singapore Slingers	438	52
Benjamins Brown Button	437	53
Hugh Jarce	437	53
Slicksmyballs	430	55
Hercules Grytpype-Thynne	429	56
CaspAir Racing	427	57
Dannielle Johnston	426	58
Dan Johnston	425	59
Hezza's Heroes 2	424	60
No Eye Deer	423	61
Wide Castores Abiertas	423	61
Wideopen Beavers	423	61
Cattermole F1	418	64
Mack The Knife	416	65
Olivia's Army	416	65
Bread of Heaven	413	67
Charlie Max Gallagher	413	67
Return of the Mac	413	67
Team Di Besta	410	70
Toma's A Team	409	71
JCs Superstars	408	72
Emma Balmbra	407	73
Craig Pattison	405	74
Bazinga	404	75
Martony Racing 1	404	75
Sidders NDC	401	77
Nick's Numpties	400	78
Mr Redfoot	399	79
Neddie Seagoon	390	80
Erik Estrada	389	81
Major Dennis Bloodnok	389	81
Hector Santiago	386	83
Red Bull Gives You Wins	386	83
GazzaF1	385	85
At Risk	382	86
Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer	381	87
Bullet Proof Bomb	380	88
Claire Teuma	380	88
Blast From The Past	378	90
Stephen Neild	378	90
Mickey's Motors	377	92
Lardinho F1	369	93
Never Red	363	94
Cyberdyne 101	358	95
Kaiser Souse	358	95
Ben GP	357	97
David Parkin	357	97
Mr Fenster	357	97
Jenson Daniel Lewis	354	100
Millenium Falcon	353	101
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds!	351	102
Autobots	340	103
Down Under Girl	333	104
Julie Gallagher	323	105
Hezza's Heroes 1	319	106
LUFC Andy	319	106
Team Stalled	315	108
Tiggywiggy	312	109
Michael Maughan	311	110
JDL Inc.	308	111
Black Cats F1	307	112
Team NDC	301	113
Steven Rogers	294	114
D&J's Dream Team	293	115
Zephyr JS Racing	293	115
Merlions	292	117
Charlton's Chumps	290	118
John Casement	290	118
Henry Crun	282	120
Mr Hockney	278	121
Louise McGill	275	122
From Marussia With Love	270	123
And In Last Place!	266	124
Bottom of the Barrel	266	124
Are You The Farmer?	263	126
Ava Honora	260	127
Dean Keaton	259	128
Cayman Judo Sheen	242	129
Smoke Tabs, Drink Beer, Talk Shite	218	130
Luck of the Irish	213	131
Lucy Lu	210	132
Flowery Quest	203	133
For Whom the Bell Tolls	194	134
Mean Machine 00	190	135
Erik The Elephant	187	136
Lapped Again	186	137
See What Alcohol Does To You?	186	137
Donnelly's Danglers	185	139
Last Man Standing	185	139
Mrs Button Wanna Be	185	139
Team Holynski	185	139
Alright Here?	121	143
Nick's No Hopers	82	144
Colin Potts	72	145
Team MON	65	146
Male Average =	383
Female Average =	391
Overall Position
Name	Overall Total	Overall Position
Eccles	7527	1
Hercules Grytpype-Thynne	7486	2
Fletch Lives	7482	3
Bis Bravehearts	7406	4
Martony Racing 1	7360	5
Do'nut Donnelly	7337	6
Neddie Seagoon	7249	7
Peter Leatherland	7164	8
Mack The Knife	7163	9
Erik Estrada	7150	10
Paul Szomoru	7078	11
Major Dennis Bloodnok	7062	12
Ailene Marshall	7043	13
Bluebottle	7043	13
White Lightning	7039	15
Toma's A Team	7001	16
F1 HFH	6996	17
Mr Fenster	6962	18
Tiggywiggy	6949	19
Endoskull	6944	20
Mack-Aroony	6937	21
HF1 Racing	6901	22
Count Jim Moriarty	6876	23
Martin Bell	6856	24
Will I Get More Than 0pts In a Season?	6856	24
Red Bull Gives You Wins	6841	26
Brazil or Bust	6811	27
Ticketyboo Guess Who	6781	28
Henry Crun	6766	29
Hezza's Heroes 2	6761	30
Millenium Falcon	6746	31
MON's Love Machine	6722	32
Bread of Heaven	6687	33
Hector Santiago	6674	34
Pedro Da Gallagher	6666	35
D&J's Dream Team	6653	36
JCs Magical Mystery Tour	6641	37
X-Wing	6640	38
Slicksmyballs	6625	39
David Parkin	6598	40
Mickey's Motors	6589	41
Ben GP	6583	42
Wide Castores Abiertas	6574	43
I Love Shoes	6572	44
Martony Racing 2	6561	45
Team Di Besta	6541	46
Houghton Bird	6537	47
CaspAir Racing	6530	48
Never Red	6523	49
Virgin On The Impossible	6522	50
Neeeaaaooowww	6509	51
Faffanella	6496	52
Nick's Numpties	6486	53
Autobots	6468	54
Sidders NDC	6467	55
Charlton's Chumps	6457	56
Return of the Mac	6446	57
Hugh Jarce	6435	58
Verbalkint	6432	59
Wideopen Beavers	6425	60
Mike Banks	6424	61
Bazinga	6407	62
In Arsene We Rust	6397	63
Mr Redfoot	6384	64
Racing Sambo	6373	65
Mr Hockney	6346	66
Party With Marty	6343	67
Clueless Aussie	6341	68
Dannielle Johnston	6315	69
No Eye Deer	6298	70
Dan Johnston	6293	71
Louise McGill	6269	72
Mr McManus	6268	73
Dirty Leeds	6236	74
Flowery Quest	6210	75
Are You The Farmer?	6205	76
Cattermole F1	6193	77
Dean Keaton	6183	78
Stephen Neild AR	6183	78
Cyberdyne 101	6176	80
Kaiser Souse	6176	80
Lardinho F1	6156	82
Singapore Slingers	6135	83
JCs Superstars	6132	84
Celebes Racing	6128	85
Ava Honora	6108	86
NorfolkandChanceF1.com	6104	87
Warning: Contains ASBESTOS	6091	88
Michael Maughan	6085	89
Smoke Tabs, Drink Beer, Talk Shite	6075	90
LUFC Andy	6074	91
Benjamins Brown Button	6069	92
Steven Rogers	6026	93
Fork It!	6024	94
Team NDC	6024	94
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds!	6022	96
Team Stalled	6015	97
Bullet Proof Bomb	6013	98
Rupert Murdoch Will Ruin F1	6012	99
Luck of the Irish	6005	100
In Arsense We Trust	5974	101
Red 5	5957	102
Mean Machine 00	5953	103
Celtic Heroes	5929	104
At Risk	5913	105
Hezza's Heroes 1	5902	106
Pedro Leatherland	5900	107
Stephen Neild	5895	108
Jenson Daniel Lewis	5891	109
Chase Unnamed Joy	5889	110
Hadld Racing	5854	111
Emma Balmbra	5851	112
Down Under Girl	5848	113
Spot the Dog	5820	114
Julie Gallagher	5809	115
JDL Inc.	5762	116
Olivia's Army	5744	117
Cayman Judo Sheen	5683	118
Craig Pattison	5670	119
Zephyr JS Racing	5659	120
Mr Kobyashi	5649	121
John Casement	5605	122
The Leg Ends	5583	123
Black Cats F1	5540	124
Lapped Again	5537	125
Nick's No Hopers	5474	126
Colin Potts	5473	127
Charlie Max Gallagher	5467	128
Lucy Lu	5392	129
Mrs Button Wanna Be	5383	130
Claire Teuma	5371	131
Team MON	5344	132
For Whom the Bell Tolls	5160	133
GazzaF1	5139	134
Merlions	5028	135
Alright Here?	4967	136
Blast From The Past	4894	137
Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer	4893	138
Team Holynski	4851	139
From Marussia With Love	4263	140
Erik The Elephant	4030	141
Donnelly's Danglers	3998	142
And In Last Place!	3815	143
Bottom of the Barrel	3815	143
Last Man Standing	3791	145
See What Alcohol Does To You?	3724	146
Male Average =	6163
Female Average =	6200

Regards,
Lawrence.