2012 - Race 16 - Korean GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

IF MONEY DOESN’T GROW ON TREES, WHY DOES A TREE SURGEON COST SO MUCH?

USELESS TIP:

DON'T SNEEZE WHEN SOMEONE IS CUTTING YOUR HAIR.

 

When I was out cycling with the other old farts today, Tuesday 16^th October, I had my first experience of underwater cycling.  Following heavy overnight rain we came across a flooded road where the water didn’t appear to be too deep.  Sadly, on cycling through the water we found that our pedals disappeared under the water.  Happily my waterproof shoe covers kept most of the water out of my cycling shoes, but those who weren’t wearing theirs were not so lucky and finished up pouring the water out of their shoes when we stopped at the pub for lunch.  After a nice pub lunch we cycled home, where I found that my wife, Lady Audrey, had emptied her purse out on the kitchen table and was counting all the 1p's and 2p's when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."  Speaking of change, did your luck change at the Korean GP?

In the Battle of the Genders the ladies continued their winning ways, winning by 391 points to 383. In the overall race, the ladies now extend their lead to 6200 points to 6163, thus reinforcing their view that men are like commercials…you can't believe a word they say.

So, who wants to lie about their performance and who wants to brag?  In joint 137^th place with 186 points we have Lapped Again and See What Alcohol Does To You? with their pantomime horse impression of a drunk three legged donkey.  In joint 139^th place with 185 points we have the Donnelly's Danglers, Last Man Standing, Mrs Button Wanna Be and Team Holynski, with their impression of the four horsemen of the Acropolis.  In 143^rd place with 121 points we have Alright Here? for which the answer is “No.”

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 82 points we have Nick's No Hopers again failing in his pledge to keep his head down and becoming a sniper’s target again.  In 145^th place with 72 points we have Colin Potts posting his worst performance this season, which is worse than Santa forgetting to post his Christmas cards to his elves. In 146^th and last place with 65 points we have Team MON, which is an acronym for Mackemland's Original Numpty.

We have two debutants in our decadent decade this time.  In 10^th place with 524 points we have Martony Racing 2 desperately trying to keep up with his other half.  In 9^th place with 528 points we have Bis Bravehearts, a lecherous Jock who once lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings, and sold her four of them.  In 8^th place with 531 points we have X-Wing returning to the top after having fallen in with a bad crowd and plumbed the depths recently, thus ruining his chance this season in spite of this.  In 7^th place with 538 points we have MON's Love Machine, another deluded soul drawing herself up to her full height to get this high.  Making his debut in 6^th place with 546 points we have Racing Sambo, who should be reported to Trading Standards as he’s been strolling and not racing so far this season.  In joint 4^th place with 547 points we have Celebes Racing and Virgin On The Impossible in a tryst that is illegal, immoral and physically impossible for most people.

Our podium squatters this time are led in 3^rd place with 548 points by Stephen Neild AR making his debut and appearing out of nowhere, as his performances this season have varied between mediocre and pathetic.  In 2^nd place with 557 points we have Endoskull reappearing after lying dormant for a while, like a dose of thrush.  Finally, with 618 points, the winners laurel wreath and trophy for this race go to Rupert Murdoch Will Ruin F1 with a performance that not even he, a psychic, or Derren Brown could have foreseen.

The teams at the bottom are like the Russian election results, boringly predictable.  Rising one place to 137^th place with 4894 points we have Blast From The Past primed for action but no-one’s pushing the detonation button.  Also rising one place to 138^th place with 4893 points we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer continuing his slow climb from the pit of despair.  In 139^th place with 4851 points we have Team Holynski dropping faster than Felix Baumgartner.  Still in 140^th place with 4263 points we have From Marussia With Love, just in to watch James Bond in Skyfall.  Remaining in 141^st place with 4030 points we have Erik The Elephant tiptoeing quietly so as not to draw attention to his continued failure.  Static in 142^nd place with 3813 points we have Donnelly's Danglers dragging along at the back like the cow’s tail.

The occupants of the inverse podium of shame are proving harder to move than the travellers from the Dale Farm site in Basildon.  In joint 143^rd place with 3815 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, who are yoked together like a pair of oxen, and moving just as slowly.  In 145^th place with 3791 points we have Last Man Standing going weak at the knees at the prospect of not being the last man standing.  Finally, still in last place with 3724 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, the standard by which every other entrants measures themselves when they want to look good.

At the top of the table, the inmates have been boarding up the windows to prevent others getting in.  Dropping to 10^thplace with 7150 points we have Erik Estrada, who said he would rather give up drinking than give up his winner’s title from last season, or was it vice versa?  Still in 9^th place with 7163 points we have Mack The Knife, trying to cut the throat of her competitors.  Rising to 8^th place with 7164 points we have Peter Leatherland squeezing through the window like a burglar before it was boarded up.  Sliding down to 7^th place with 7249 points we have Neddie Seagoon, patron saint of the morbidly obese.  Rising to 6^th place with 7337 points we have Do'nut Donnelly, with a performance that is as sweet and dentally devastating as his team’s name.  Dropping again to 5^th place with 7360 points we have Martony Racing 1 hanging in there like a beer gut that refuses to budge.  Rising again, like William Wallace, to 4^th place with 7406 points we have Bis Bravehearts, who now has two years to make his mind up if he wants to vote for an independent Scotland and retain his pride or retain the union with the rest of GB and retain the subsidies.

So, who are our podium posers now?  Still in 3^rd place with 7482 we have Fletch Lives, who continues to confound medical science and everyone else who comes into contact with him.  Slipping to 2^nd place with 7486 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne insulting all the ‘plebs’ around him at the indignity of not being allowed to leave the top spot through the front gate.  Finally, our leader once again with 7527 points is Eccles, who hasn’t a clue where he is, how he got there, or how he’s going to get home in time for his tea.

The next race is the Indian GP at New Delhi on Sunday 28^th October.

 

Regards,

Lawrence.