2012 - Race 14 - Singapore GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHERE IN THE NURSERY RHYME DOES IT SAY HUMPTY DUMPTY IS AN EGG?

USELESS FACT:

YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLD WHEN YOU FALL DOWN AND WONDER WHAT ELSE YOU CAN DO WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE.

 

I begin writing this report on the train coming back from London where I have just recorded an episode of The Chase, an ITV quiz show hosted by Bradley Walsh, where you get a chance to win big money in competition against some of the best quiz brains in Britain.  Few people do win any money, but one of our regular F1 members and a very good friend, Carol Quinn, was on The Chase earlier this year and managed to do just that, so the challenge was thrown down.  How did I get on?  I’ve signed ITV’s version of the Official Secrets Act and been threatened with a fate worse than death if I disclose the outcome before the transmission date, so you’ll have to wait until the programme is broadcast next year to find out.

I’ll let you all know when it is to be broadcast so that you can see what I look like if you’ve never met me - not a pretty sight; my photos come with an 18 certificate - and how I and my three fellow team members, all strangers until we met yesterday, get on in the battle of knowledge, wits and psychology against the Chaser, who was Mark Labbett, aka The Beast.  All I will say is that it is definitely worth setting the Sky+ box or video recorder for, if for no other reason than to see my shirt, which is so over the top you’ll need sunglasses and ear plugs to watch the programme.  Speaking of going over the top, how did you get on in the Singapore GP?

The Battle of the Genders is starting to resemble a yo-yo competition as the ladies returned to their winning ways, winning by 352 points to 348.  In the overall race, the ladies now sneak into lead by 5446 points to 5444, thus reinforcing their view that men are like Kleenex tissues, soft, strong, and disposable.

So, who qualified to be washed away like flotsam in a flood?  In 137^th place with 165 points we have Pedro Leatherland with his impression of the Dorian Grey painting for his alter ego which is at the good-looking end of the table.  In 138^th place with 160 points we have For Whom the Bell Tolls, and this bell ringing should be followed by the cry “Bring out your dead.”  In 139^th place with 120 points we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer gravelling grovelling around apologetically.  In 140^th place with 104 points we have Craig Pattison whose season has been like mountain climbing, in that you climb in the direction of the summit for the first half then go back down for the second half.  In 141^st place with 102 points we have Hadld Racing who is doing anything but race.  In 142^nd place with 95 points we have Return of the Mac, who should be marked ‘return to sender’.  In 143^rd place with 83 points we have Celebes Racing with a typical celeb performance…famous for five minutes then disappear into oblivion.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 28 points we have Stephen Neild who should kneel and pray for forgiveness after this.  In 145^th place with 27 points we have Julie Gallagher with her worst performance of the season and hoping we won’t notice…as if.  Finally, in last place with 1 solitary point we have GazzaF1, a team named in honour of, and performing like, the renowned ageing Dunston alcoholic, hostage negotiator, and all round nutter.

Our decadent decade this time has all featured here at some stage this season, showing there is no limit to their avarice.  In 10^th place with 527 points we have Wide Castores Abiertas who, in support of his team name, should be looking to emigrate to Oregon, nicknamed the beaver state.  In joint 8^th place with 531 points we have Ava Honora and Martony Racing 1, an odd couple taking strength from the fact that they’re still breathing.  In 7^th place with 551 points we have Hector Santiago, who, having tasted the high life once recently has decided that it’s better than the low life he’s been mixing with for most of this season.  In 6^th place with 552 points we have Count Jim Moriarty, who uses the title of count under false pretences as he can’t count.  In 5^th place with 553 points we have Red Bull Gives You Wins reappearing for another cameo performance but needing an energy boost.  In 4^th place with 567 points we have Mr Fenster returning to his early season form, if not his early youth figure.

Our podium squatters this time are led in 3^rd place with 570 points by F1 HFH, a team name that looks like a pensioner’s attempt at texting with a broken keypad.  In 2^nd place with 602 points we have Tiggywiggy, who, in the last few races, has bounced around the results table more than the Space Shuttle on re-entry.  Finally, with 620 points, the winners laurel wreath and trophy for this race go to Eccles, our resident village idiot and involuntary provider of copious amounts of methane based emissions.

There are minimal changes to the teams at the bottom with one new inmate replacing an escapee.  In 137^th place with 4299 points we now have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer slipping into the depths of depravity.  In 138^th place with 4256 points we have Team Holynski, who is finding on his debut season that this isn’t as easy as he thought it would be, the silly twisted boy.  In 139^th place with 4120 points we have Blast From The Past, who is now an annoying echo rather than a blast.  In 140^th place with 3838 points we have From Marussia With Love, who is performing here even less than George Lazenby did.  Rising one place to 141^st place with 3661 points we have Donnelly's Danglers pleased to be rising as high as possible, as this has been a painful experience so far.  In 142^nd place with 3654 points we have Erik The Elephant, now more endangered than the Dodo.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 143^rd place with 3466 points we have the terminal twins of And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, the Castor and Pollux of our little band, continually circling each other without being able to break away.  Remaining in 145^th place with 3459 points we have Last Man Standing, who is happy that he’s still standing and not lying six feet under.  Finally, still in last place with 3394 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, a man of few words, but it is hard to talk with your mouth full all the time.

At the top of the table, it looks like the lunatics have taken over the asylum.  Still in 10^th place with 6305 points we have Peter Leatherland arresting his slide and hoping to avoid being arrested for loitering with intent.  In 9^th place with 6366 points we have Erik Estrada dropping like a stone, and refusing to take this as a sign that he needs to lose at least a couple of stone.  Dropping to 8^th place with 6404 points we have Do'nut Donnelly, who is vying to replace Homer Simpson as the most famous do’nut consumer and comb-over exponent.  Rising to 7^th place with 6413 points we have Mr Fenster still holding out for a heroic performance to rocket him up into the money places.  Slipping off the podium and down to 6^th place with 6424 points we have Neddie Seagoon, patron saint of bakers, confectioners and chocolatiers.  Rising to 5^th place with 6476 points we have Martony Racing 1, who is continuing to battle against all that life throws at him, including the forest fires and floods around his Spanish hacienda.  Dropping to 4^th place with 6485 points we have Bis Bravehearts finally losing his grip on reality and on the lead.

So, who are our podium posers now?  Climbing to 3^rd place with 6492points we have Fletch Lives, who has found that, in spite of his age, he has no problems with his short term memory storage, only with his memory retrieval.  Remaining in 2^nd place with 6533 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne refusing to budge, like the lid on an exhumed coffin, and looking just as grimy.  Finally, finding himself amazingly in first place with 6544 points is Eccles, who is more a stranger to this position than Rapunzel is to the hairdresser’s scissors.

The next race is the Japanese GP at Suzuka on Sunday 5^th October.

Regards,

Lawrence.