2012 - Race 15 - Japanese GP report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY IS IT CALLED A "DRIVE THROUGH" IF YOU HAVE TO STOP?

USELESS FACT:

WRINKLES DON’T HURT.

 

As I now collect my old age pension, and am thus a fully qualified old fart, I try to do my bit to help other old people whenever I can.  Last week I was standing in a queue at the local cash machine when the old lady ahead of me asked if I could check her balance for her, so I pushed her and she fell over, which showed that her balance wasn’t very good.  Talking of heading for a fall, how did you get on in the Japanese GP?

In the Battle of the Genders the ladies retained their winning ways, winning by 364 points to 337.  In the overall race, the ladies now streak, metaphorically speaking, into a lead of 5810 points to 5781, thus reinforcing their view that men are like popcorn…they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

So, who qualified to be hit in the face like a car crash air bag tester?  In 137^th place with 165 points we have NorfolkandChanceF1.com achieving that rare double of appearing at both the top and bottom in the same season.  In 138^th place with 161 points we have X-Wing plunging to earth like the plane in the Channel 4 documentary.  In 139^th place with 155 points we have From Marussia With Love with a performance as unwelcome as Siberia in December.  In 140^th place with 152 points we have Donnelly's Danglers scraping along on his at the bottom again.  In 141^st place with 147 points we have Last Man Standing failing to live down to his expectations.  In 142^nd place with 144 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You? continuing to lose brain cells faster than he can drink a pint.  In 143^rd place with 111 points we have For Whom the Bell Tolls continuing to perform like a ding-a-ling.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 110 points we have Mike Banks, whose pursuit of glory is now as pointless as trying to nail jelly to a tree.  In joint145^th and last place with 83 points we have the appropriately named And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, maintaining the status quo and going down, down, deeper and down.

Most of our decadent decade this time featured here in the last race, so it just shows how lazy they are that they can’t be bothered to move.  In 10^th place with 465 points we have Clueless Aussie making an unlikely return to a place she thought she’d never see again, like Neil Armstrong returning to the moon.  In joint 7^th place with 469 points we have the three wise monkeys of Count Jim Moriarty, Hector Santiago and Red Bull Gives You Wins seeing no evil, hearing no evil, and speaking no evil.  In 6^th place with 470 points we have White Lightning showing that he hasn’t been drinking his namesake and killing his liver.  In 5^th place with 480 points we have Martony Racing 1 continuing his comeback and hoping to emulate Lazarus.  In 4^th place with 484 points we have Eccles, who would love to have an IQ as high as Forrest Gump's.

Our podium squatters this time are led in 3^rd place with 524 points by Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, a man more oily than Saudi Arabia.  In 2^nd place with 531 points we have Fletch Lives continuing to show that there is still life in the old dog yet, even if he has been neutered.  Finally, with 536 points, the winners laurel wreath and trophy for this race go to Tiggywiggy going the extra mile in this race again and continuing her rich varicose vein of form.

The teams at the bottom are, with the odd exception, becoming boring predictable, meaning that they should hunker down for a long, cold winter.  Rising one place to 137^th place with 4666 points we have Team Holynski rising slower that an unleavened loaf of bread.  In 138^th place with 4516 points we have Blast From The Past continuing to splutter along like a damp squib.  Dropping to 139^th place with 4512 points we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer, who is beginning to hope that the signs held up by Christian evangelists saying “The end is nigh” are true.  In 140^th place with 3993 points we have From Marussia With Love, exuding all the love shown by a pigeon to a statue.  Rising one place to 141^st place with 3843 points we have Erik The Elephant trying to hide, but that’s pretty hard when you’re that size.  In 142^nd place with 3813 points we have Donnelly's Danglers dropping back into all too familiar territory.  In 143^rd place with 3606 points we have Last Man Standing looking for a chair as he’s sick of standing.

The occupants of the inverse podium of shame remain as static as Stonehenge, just less attractive.  In joint 144^th place with 3549 points we have the terminal twins of And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, our Laurel and Hardy tribute act, but sadly both with the figure of Hardy.   Finally, still in last place with 3538 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, who regards exercise as punishment and an invasion of his human rights.

At the top of the table, the lunatics have been playing musical chairs and changing places en mass.  Still in 10^th place with 6673 points we have Major Dennis Bloodnok, who is nicknamed "The Exorcist" by his friends because every time visits them he makes their spirits disappear.  In 9^th place with 6747 points we have Mack The Knife sharpening her nails before applying nail polish to hide the blood she intends to draw fighting her way to the top.  Dropping to 8^th place with 6761 points we have Erik Estrada continuing to put on weight/mass in belief that it will give him more energy on the basis of Einstein’s theory of relativity formula, E = mc², although his relatives are threatening to disown him if he gets much bigger.  Rising to 7^th place with 6819 points we have Do'nut Donnelly who is hoping to eventually win an award for the most popular retirement.  Still in 6^th place with 6859 points we have Neddie Seagoon wondering what he has to do to get back on the podium that won’t entail him spending his lunch money.  Rising to 5^th place with 6878 points we have Bis Bravehearts, a typical Scot who loves the Scottish summer because it’s his favourite day of the year.  Dropping to 4^th place with 6956 points we have Martony Racing 1, whose performance is holding up a whole lot better than the Spanish economy around him.

 

So, who are our podium posers now?  Climbing to 3^rd place with 7023 we have Fletch Lives who has never been able to join a Union because they call on workers to unite, so he’s not qualified to join.  In 2^nd place with 7028 points we have Eccles slipping off the podium pinnacle but still having a silly grin on his face as if he’s suffering from trapped wind, or stupidity.  Finally, our new leader with 7057 points is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne preparing to repel all boarders, which he should find easy as everyone he comes into contact with is repelled by him.

The next race is the Korean GP at Yeongam on Sunday 14^th October.

Regards,

Lawrence.