ARE PART-TIME BAND LEADERS SEMI-CONDUCTORS?
USELESS TIP:
MARKING EMAILS AS UNREAD DOESN'T REALLY
COUNT AS A FILING SYSTEM.
I took ill this week with a full blown
cold, the result, I swear, of getting a flu jab recently, at the insistence of
Lady Audrey, because of my age. Lady
Audrey has shown the full range of her sympathetic nature by telling me to keep
away in case she gets it and I thus ruin her pre-Christmas multi-party plans,
and by telling me to grow up and get on with things. Sadist!
The good news is that the flu jab must have worked because the cold
hasn’t turned into Man Flu, because, as all men know only too well, that can be
fatal, especially for mere mortals and non-Geordie’s. Thankfully I don’t fit into either
category. Talking about being as sick as
a parrot, how did you do in the United States GP?
In the Battle of the Genders the girls fell
to their knees in front of the men, again, allowing the men to win by 470
points to 445, reinforcing their view that girls are like exams…you work very
hard for ages but rarely get the result you really want. However, the girls are still in the lead
overall by 7429 points to 7410, reinforcing their view that men are like
blenders…you want one but you don’t know why.
So, who is star struck and who is starkers?
In 137th place with 347 points
we have Dan Johnston wishing he could take something positive from
this, but only looks like the negative end of the battery. In 138th place with 343 points we
have
Lucy Lu showing she’s no angel as she curses her luck, or lack of it,
again. In joint 139th place
with 333 points we have a three-way tie with Cyberdyne 101, Kaiser
Souse, and Faffanella having the good grace to keep their collective shame
in the family after a season of mid-table apathy. In 142nd place with 329 points we
have Olivia's
Army having as much bad luck with her team this year as she’s had with
her and her family’s health…get well soon.
In 143rd place with 303 points we have Dannielle Johnston underperforming
her better half as she returns for what she hopes is a last hurrah. Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144th
place with 298 points we have Mr Kobyashi with another dose of
pathetic underachievement. In 145th
place with 242 points we have Celtic Heroes performing no better
than a catapult against a tank. In 146th
and last place with 231 points we have Down Under Girl appearing for the
first time and finding that she really is down under everyone else.
Our decadent decade this time have all been here
before, like famine and pestilence. In joint
8th place with 594 points
we have the unlikely three in a bed of D&J's Dream Team, Erik
Estrada and Major Dennis Bloodnok, proving that if you can’t get a
quart into a pint pot you can get three huge egos into agreement. In 7th place with 595 points we have Neddie Seagoon returning like
heartburn, which, for a glutton, he regards as an occupational hazard. In joint 5th place with 608 points we have Martin Bell and Will
I Get More Than 0pts In a Season? looking more conceited than Cameron
and Clegg after the last election.
Our
podium squatters this time are led in 3rd place with 630 points by JCs Magical Mystery Tour, happier
than if he’d just been taken on a tour of Never Never Land by Peter Pan. Finally,
with 631 points we have our first joint winners
this season, with Ailene Marshall and Bluebottle, a happy couple divided
by an intelligence gap wider than a fat builder’s bum cleavage.
The inmates at the bottom are like the
poor, always with us. Remaining in 137th
place with 6000 we have Team Holynski holding out
for a hero, and not finding one. Rising
to 138th place with 5845 points
we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer finding that his seed has fallen
on stony ground this season. Dropping to 139th place with 5795 points we have Alright Here? who is
on the way back, and one day he may even go forward. Still
in 140th place with 5095 points
we have From Marussia With Love, wishing
that an iron curtain would come down on his performances this season. Remaining
in 141st place with 4826 points
we have Erik The Elephant, whose Body Mass Index is now measured on a
logarithmic scale to make it appear numerically smaller than the population of
Wales. Static in 142nd place
with 4762 points we have Donnelly's Danglers
suffering from frostbite now that he’s so exposed and the temperature is
dropping faster than his credibility.
The occupants of the inverse podium are
now more ingrained than religious bigotry in Pakistan. In joint 143rd place with 4544 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom
of the Barrel, a couple who put the fun into funeral. In 145th place with 4520 points we
have Last
Man Standing, which will not be his stance on New Year’s Eve. Finally,
still in last place with 4446 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, who
is so heavy he’s even broken his family tree.
At the top of the
table the names are remarkably familiar. In joint 9th place with 8607 points
we have Ailene Marshall and Bluebottle, the only time Ailene is
happy to be in the same place as an irritating little nonentity, apart from with her insignificant other half after a
row. Returning to the top ten in 8th
place with 8613 points we have Erik Estrada, the man who puts
ration into castration. Remaining in 7th
place with 8751 points we have Neddie Seagoon a man who likes diets…he’s
down to five diets a day now. Slippng
down to 6th place with 8858 points we have Do'nut Donnelly, our
appropriately named Doh Nutter. Rising
to 5th place with 8898 points we have Bis Bravehearts, a Scot
who would like to export more of Scotland’s second biggest natural resource,
water, to England in the hope that the rest of England will disappear under
flood water as well. Holding on to 4th
place with 8915 points we have Martony Racing 1, who, when sailing
his yacht in the Spanish sunlight, wears sunglasses that are more polarised
than the American electorate.
So, who are our podium posers now, and
are they polishing their prayer mats in preparation for the last race? Dropping to 3rd place with 9106 points
we have Eccles, proof that you shouldn’t mix alcohol and brain
surgery. Climbing to his highest ever
position of 2nd place with 9123 points we have Fletch Lives, who is now
having his pacemaker fitted with a turbo boost for the final race. Finally, our leader with 9148 points is still
Hercules
Grytpype-Thynne, who puts the rave into deprave.
So, it’s
squeaky bum time for the podium squatters as our tightest competition ever
means that this season goes down to the wire with the final race of the season,
the Brazilian GP at Interlagos on Sunday 25th November. With the three leading teams being quite
different, anything could happen.
Regards,
Lawrence.
