2012 - Race 19 - United States GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:
ARE PART-TIME BAND LEADERS SEMI-CONDUCTORS?

USELESS TIP:

MARKING EMAILS AS UNREAD DOESN'T REALLY COUNT AS A FILING SYSTEM.

 

I took ill this week with a full blown cold, the result, I swear, of getting a flu jab recently, at the insistence of Lady Audrey, because of my age.  Lady Audrey has shown the full range of her sympathetic nature by telling me to keep away in case she gets it and I thus ruin her pre-Christmas multi-party plans, and by telling me to grow up and get on with things.  Sadist!  The good news is that the flu jab must have worked because the cold hasn’t turned into Man Flu, because, as all men know only too well, that can be fatal, especially for mere mortals and non-Geordie’s.  Thankfully I don’t fit into either category.  Talking about being as sick as a parrot, how did you do in the United States GP?

In the Battle of the Genders the girls fell to their knees in front of the men, again, allowing the men to win by 470 points to 445, reinforcing their view that girls are like exams…you work very hard for ages but rarely get the result you really want.  However, the girls are still in the lead overall by 7429 points to 7410, reinforcing their view that men are like blenders…you want one but you don’t know why.

So, who is star struck and who is starkers?  In 137^th place with 347 points we have Dan Johnston wishing he could take something positive from this, but only looks like the negative end of the battery.  In 138^th place with 343 points we have Lucy Lu showing she’s no angel as she curses her luck, or lack of it, again.  In joint 139^th place with 333 points we have a three-way tie with Cyberdyne 101, Kaiser Souse, and Faffanella having the good grace to keep their collective shame in the family after a season of mid-table apathy.  In 142^nd place with 329 points we have Olivia's Army having as much bad luck with her team this year as she’s had with her and her family’s health…get well soon.  In 143^rd place with 303 points we have Dannielle Johnston underperforming her better half as she returns for what she hopes is a last hurrah.  Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 144^th place with 298 points we have Mr Kobyashi with another dose of pathetic underachievement.  In 145^th place with 242 points we have Celtic Heroes performing no better than a catapult against a tank.  In 146^th and last place with 231 points we have Down Under Girl appearing for the first time and finding that she really is down under everyone else.

Our decadent decade this time have all been here before, like famine and pestilence.  In joint 8^th place with 594 points we have the unlikely three in a bed of D&J's Dream Team, Erik Estrada and Major Dennis Bloodnok, proving that if you can’t get a quart into a pint pot you can get three huge egos into agreement.  In 7^th place with 595 points we have Neddie Seagoon returning like heartburn, which, for a glutton, he regards as an occupational hazard.  In joint 5^th place with 608 points we have Martin Bell and Will I Get More Than 0pts In a Season? looking more conceited than Cameron and Clegg after the last election.

Our podium squatters this time are led in 3^rd place with 630 points by JCs Magical Mystery Tour, happier than if he’d just been taken on a tour of Never Never Land by Peter Pan.  Finally, with 631 points we have our first joint winners this season, with Ailene Marshall and Bluebottle, a happy couple divided by an intelligence gap wider than a fat builder’s bum cleavage.

The inmates at the bottom are like the poor, always with us.  Remaining in 137^th place with 6000 we have Team Holynski holding out for a hero, and not finding one.  Rising to 138^th place with 5845 points we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer finding that his seed has fallen on stony ground this season.  Dropping to 139^th place with 5795 points we have Alright Here? who is on the way back, and one day he may even go forward.  Still in 140^th place with 5095 points we have From Marussia With Love, wishing that an iron curtain would come down on his performances this season.  Remaining in 141^st place with 4826 points we have Erik The Elephant, whose Body Mass Index is now measured on a logarithmic scale to make it appear numerically smaller than the population of Wales.  Static in 142^nd place with 4762 points we have Donnelly's Danglers suffering from frostbite now that he’s so exposed and the temperature is dropping faster than his credibility.

The occupants of the inverse podium are now more ingrained than religious bigotry in Pakistan.  In joint 143^rd place with 4544 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, a couple who put the fun into funeral.  In 145^th place with 4520 points we have Last Man Standing, which will not be his stance on New Year’s Eve.  Finally, still in last place with 4446 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, who is so heavy he’s even broken his family tree.

At the top of the table the names are remarkably familiar.  In joint 9^th place with 8607 points we have Ailene Marshall and Bluebottle, the only time Ailene is happy to be in the same place as an irritating little nonentity, apart from with her insignificant other half after a row.  Returning to the top ten in 8^th place with 8613 points we have Erik Estrada, the man who puts ration into castration.  Remaining in 7^th place with 8751 points we have Neddie Seagoon a man who likes diets…he’s down to five diets a day now.  Slippng down to 6^th place with 8858 points we have Do'nut Donnelly, our appropriately named Doh Nutter.  Rising to 5^th place with 8898 points we have Bis Bravehearts, a Scot who would like to export more of Scotland’s second biggest natural resource, water, to England in the hope that the rest of England will disappear under flood water as well.  Holding on to 4^th place with 8915 points we have Martony Racing 1, who, when sailing his yacht in the Spanish sunlight, wears sunglasses that are more polarised than the American electorate.

So, who are our podium posers now, and are they polishing their prayer mats in preparation for the last race?  Dropping to 3^rd place with 9106 points we have Eccles, proof that you shouldn’t mix alcohol and brain surgery.  Climbing to his highest ever position of 2^nd place with 9123 points we have Fletch Lives, who is now having his pacemaker fitted with a turbo boost for the final race.  Finally, our leader with 9148 points is still Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, who puts the rave into deprave.

So, it’s squeaky bum time for the podium squatters as our tightest competition ever means that this season goes down to the wire with the final race of the season, the Brazilian GP at Interlagos on Sunday 25^th November.  With the three leading teams being quite different, anything could happen.

Regards,

Lawrence.