2012 - Race 17 - Indian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:
IS THE SOLE PURPOSE OF A CHILD'S MIDDLE NAME SO THEY CAN TELL WHEN THEY’RE REALLY IN TROUBLE?

USELESS TIP:

THE EARLY BIRD MIGHT GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

 

While in Malta with Lady Audrey this week, taking a break away from our kids to lower the risk of me killing one or both of them, I was struck by the fact that each nationality we came across was living up to the national stereotype we have come to expect.  The Americans were loud and amazed at the history, the English queued in an orderly fashion while the others just piled in, the Germans were well organised, the French talked a lot while looking miserable and shrugging their shoulders, the Italians talked with their hands as much as their mouths, the Irish were happy and helpful, while the Scots were doing their best to drink every pub dry.  Speaking of that, how pissed were you with your performance in the Indian GP?

In the Battle of the Genders the men rediscovered their testosterone and won by 465 points to 455, reinforcing their view that girls are like computers…hard to figure out and never have enough memory.  In the overall race, the ladies still lead, but their lead has been cut and they now lead by 6655 points to 6629.

So, who wants to raise their performance in public and who wants to let it lie?  In 137^th place with 325 points we have Toma's A Team collapsing from exhaustion to his worst performance of the season by a mile.  In 138^th place with 315 points we have From Marussia With Love maintaining his usual standard, which isn’t the gold standard.  In joint 139^th place with 313 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel who defy gravity and logic by avoiding bottom place again.  In 141^st place with 275 points we have Alright Here? still searching for a safe haven, like a New Jersey householder from super storm Sandy.  In 142^nd place with 270 points we have Flowery Quest with people around her laughing at her as if she was in a Smash commercial.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 143^rd place with 253 points we have Donnelly's Danglers and Erik The Elephant with their impression of the blind leading the lame.  In 146^th and last place with 252 points we have Last Man Standing with a facial expression that can only be described as ‘studied indifference’.

We have no debutants in our decadent decade this time, showing that practice makes perfect.  In joint 10^th place with 577 points we have Eccles and Fletch Lives who both regard the Guy’s on the bonfires as fashion icons and their attire proves it.  In joint 8^th place with 580 points we have Ailene Marshall and Bluebottle, team twins trapped in a time warp and reappearing after a time period that Lord Lucan would find too short.  In joint 6^th place with 583 points we have Bis Bravehearts and Mack-Aroony squabbling over who is best and ignoring the advice never to argue with a fool as they’ll beat you with experience.  In joint 4^th place with 585 points we have Martin Bell and Will I Get More Than 0pts In a Season? reappearing after months of avoiding the glare of publicity more than Gary Glitter.

Our podium squatters this time are led in 3^rd place with 594 points by Peter Leatherland still trying to look happy and actually raise a smile.  In 2^nd place with 614 points we have Neeeaaaooowww who hasn’t been this excited since reading 50 Shades of Grey.  Finally, with 635 points, the winners laurel wreath and trophy for this race go, amazingly, to Rupert Murdoch Will Ruin F1, who has spent all season asleep and then he goes and wins two races in a row, making me think that there really is a God and he’s having a laugh.

The teams at the bottom all remain in the same positions with the exception of one recidivist returning.  Remaining in 137^th place with 5281points we have Blast From The Past with performances more painful than an arthritic knee.  Dropping to 138^th place with 5242 points we have Alright Here? who is as optimistic about winning as Mitt Romney was after the USA presidential election result had been announced.  Anchored in 139^th place with 5226 points we have Team Holynski showing all the pace of a rheumatic tortoise.  Still in 140^th place with 4578 points we have From Marussia With Love, who could do with a little bit of TLC instead of GBH.  Remaining in 141^st place with 4283 points we have Erik The Elephant who is so punch drunk he now has a face like a trout that’s won a cider drinking competition.   Static in 142^nd place with 4251 points we have Donnelly's Danglers whose chances of winning are now slimmer than a stripper’s thong.

The occupants of the inverse podium of shame are proving harder to shift than a verruca.  In joint 143^rd place with 4128 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, our version of Deal or No Deal, and finding that they are both No Deal.  In 145^th place with 4043 points we have Last Man Standing whose performances have been more wooden than Pinocchio.  Finally, still in last place with 3977 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, who is immune to criticism infection because alcohol is an effective disinfectant.

At the top of the table, we have one returning inmate.  In joint 10^thplace with 5623 points we have Ailene Marshall and Bluebottle finally cracking the top table and getting an honourable mention, even if honourable is not a word that really describes either of them.  Returning to 9^th place with 7705 points we have Erik Estrada hoping for a late rush, like a January sales addict.  Remaining in 8^th place with 7758 points we have Peter Leatherland as statuesquely static as a stalactite.  Sliding down to 7^th place with 7788 points we have Martony Racing 1 hoping it’s a powerslide that will give him momentum to overtake next time.  Rising to 6^th place with 7337 points we have Neddie Seagoon, who takes his body shape inspiration from his favourite superhero…Michelin Man.  Rising again to 5^th place with 7905 points we have Do'nut Donnelly blaming trapped gas for his continued rise and hoping he doesn’t finish up the size of a Zeppelin.  Remaining in 4^th place with 7989 points we have Bis Bravehearts, a man whose attire under his kilt matches his cranial occupancy…there’s nothing there.

So, who are our hopeful podium posers now?  Dropping again to 3^rd place with 8008 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, a man so tight his wallet design was used as the basis for the hatches on the latest nuclear submarine.  Rising to his highest ever position of 2^nd place with 8059 points we have Fletch Lives, who has discovered that age is a high price to pay for maturity.  Finally, our leader with 8104 points is still Eccles, that poor misguided soul who thinks that All Fool’s Day was named in his honour.

The next race is the Abu Dhabi GP at Yas Marina on Sunday 4^th November.

Regards,

Lawrence.