2012 - Race 18 - Abu Dhabi GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:
WHY IS IT THAT AT CLASS REUNIONS YOU FEEL YOUNGER THAN EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS?

USELESS TIP:

LIVE EVERY DAY TO THE FULLEST. WHEN GOING TO THE BATHROOM TAKE A NEWSPAPER!

 

I took Lady Audrey to the theatre to see One Man, Two Guvnors this week.  It was a very good laugh and great entertainment.  However, I couldn’t help but feel that the lead actor had it easy in only having two Guvnors.  I look at my household and realise that now I’m retired and at home I’m at everyone’s beck and call, so now I have six Guvnors in Lady Audrey, my daughter and her husband, my son and his girlfriend, with the cat being number six.  Life was easier when I was working!  Speaking of having an easy life, how did you get on in the Abu Dhabi GP?

In the Battle of the Genders the women, after teasing the men in the last race, returned to winning ways, winning by 330 points to 311, and increased their overall lead which now stands at 6985 points to 6939, reinforcing their view that men are like custard; the thicker they are the more you want some.

So, who is Nobel Prize material and who is material for a prize leek trench?  In 137^th place with 155 points we have Red 5 returning for more punishment now that the wounds inflicted after the first race have finally healed.  In 138^th place with 153 points we have At Risk, who is and deserves to be.  In joint 139^th place with 136 points we have Jenson Daniel Lewis making her first appearance in the depravity department.  In joint 141^st place with 119 points we have Verbalkint, who is also appearing here for the first time this season against his better instincts, if he has any, and See What Alcohol Does To You?, our resident breathalyser hater.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in joint 143^rd place with 63 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, our tribute to Noddy and Big Ears.  In 145^th place with 21 points we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer continuing to be more irritating than a 3D movie to a one eyed man.  In 146^th and last place with 11 points we have For Whom the Bell Tolls with a performance as welcome as Oliver Cromwell at a Sinn Fein meeting.

We have one debutant in our decadent decade this time, showing that if at first you don’t succeed try another career path.  In 10^th place with 468 points we have Tiggywiggy continuing her impression of Lazarus coming back from the dead.  In 9^th place with 470 points we have Flowery Quest going from the ridiculous in India to the sublime here as she debuts at the top table.  In 8^th place with 473 points we have Eccles continuing to get a position higher than his IQ.  In 7^th place with 486 points we have Fletch Lives, which, at his age, is something he’s very grateful for and happy to confirm.  In 6^th place with 498 points we have Slicksmyballs continuing to perform like a snowman on a zebra crossing…now you see him, now you don’t, know you… In 5^th place with 506 points we have Mack The Knife sharpening her act for a big finish.  In 4^th place with 509 points we have Paul Szomoru who thinks Christmas has come early with his best performance of the season.

Our podium squatters this time are led in 3^rd place with 526 points by Martony Racing 2, the shadow trying to catch up with himself.  In 2^nd place with 581 points we have Hercules Grytpype-Thynne who has shares in Facebook but no friends on Facebook.  Finally, with 583 points, our winner this race is Martony Racing 1 completing the first double header he’s able to talk about publicly since he got married without the fear of hospitalisation.

One inmate returns to the bottom and one attempts an escape, while all others display Olympic sized lethargy and remain in the same positions.  Rising to 137^th place with 5548 we have Team Holynski making a last desperate bid to escape from the catacombs before the door is permanently shut.  Remaining in 138^th place with 5436 points we have Alright Here? content to remain static and at least have bragging rights over those below him.  In 139^th place with 5361 points we have Lee (Stoney) Stonehewer returning to the scene of the crime in an attempt to remove all evidence of him ever being there, and failing.  Still in 140^th place with 4736 points we have From Marussia With Love, wondering where he can get a supply of Polonium from to exterminate his opponents.  Remaining in 141^st place with 4475 points we have Erik The Elephant who has resorted to drink to hide his disappointment at not being voted the winner of ‘Best tan on something that’s not a sofa’.  Static in 142^nd place with 4408 points we have Donnelly's Danglers who would see a Bush Tucker Trial as an easy option compared to the continued humiliation this brings him.

The occupants of the inverse podium of shame are proving harder to shift than the recession in Greece.  In joint 143^rd place with 4191 points we have And In Last Place! and Bottom of the Barrel, our resident Crankies tribute group.  In 145^th place with 4166 points we have Last Man Standing, who, if this was run by the Taliban, would be punished with a minor amputation.  Finally, still in last place with 4096 points we have See What Alcohol Does To You?, who everyone else thinks less about than the Police and Crime Commissioner Elections.

At the top of the table, we have one new debutant.  Dropping to 10^thplace with 8022 points we have Peter Leatherland hoping to hold on to something worth bragging about for the first time in his life.  Finally making the overall top ten for the first time ever, in 9^th place with 8061 points we have Paul Szomoru luxuriating in the glory, now knowing why he gave himself brain-ache over his team selection all those months ago.  Returning to the top ten in 8^th place with 8104 points we have Mack The Knife trying to blunt her optimism in case it all goes to hell in a hand basket.  Sliding down again to 7^th place with 8156 points we have Neddie Seagoon who has increased his fitness regime…he now puts on trainers to phone Pizza Hut.  Sliding like a drunk down to 6^th place with 8321 points we have Bis Bravehearts, a brave Scot who would like to confirm that he’s not Armstrong, The Good Giraffe, only because he can’t find a costume big enough to fit him.  Static in 5^th place with 8336 points we have Do'nut Donnelly, an example of the problems that can arise from drinking during pregnancy.  Leaping up to 4^th place with 8371 points we have Martony Racing 1, pinching himself and realising he’s not dreaming as he’s still chasing a winning position for once in his life.

So, who are our hopeful podium posers now that the end is nigh?  Dropping to 3^rd place with 8545 points we have Fletch Lives who would party like a jockey of he won, except that horses come with a weight limit that he exceeds.  Slipping off the pinnacle to 2^nd place with 8577 points we have Eccles, the international standard against which they try to develop a thicker brick, and have so far failed.  Finally, our leader again with 8589 points is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, the international standard against which they try to find a more grasping banker, and have so far failed.

The next race is the United States GP at Austin, Texas, on Sunday 18^th November.

Regards,

Lawrence.