2014 - Race 4 - Chinese GP report

USELESS QUESTION:

DO WITCHES USE SPELL CHECKERS?

USELESS FACT:

LEE HARVEY OSWALD STILL HAS AN OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOK FROM DALLAS PUBLIC LIBRARY.

 

Easter has arrived and we had a miracle to go with the original one – it was sunny for the whole four days of the bank holiday weekend.  Compared to Easter last year it was brilliant so there was no need to perform another miracle and walk on water, even in the Somerset Levels.  So, who walked on water and who passed water in China?

In the battle of the genders the men reminded the ladies of their place, beating them by 495 points to 472.  In the overall battle the men’s lead is now extended to 1,684 points to 1,643, but the ladies wish this wasn’t the only thing that the men could extend frequently.

Now, whose performance in China left them feeling as unwelcome as the Dalai Lama?   In 84^th place with 401 points we have Jody Scheckter dropping from anonymity to mediocrity.  In 85^th place with 396 points we have Hezza's Hero's with a hat-trick of appearances at the bottom that are as painful as a boil on her bum.  In 86^th place with 393 points we have Bring Back Kinnear which, alarmingly, is starting to look like a better alternative to what Newcastle United has at present.  In 87^th place with 388 points we have Mickey & Lula Speed Demons making an inauspicious debut, much like David Moyes at Manchester United.  In 88^th place with 365 points we have Irene Loves McLaren, which should really be named Irene Loves Chocolate.  In 89^th place with 364 points we have On the Right Track, but only if he’s heading to rehab.  In 90^th place with 355 points we have Do'nut Donnelly with one hat trick he wishes he hadn’t scored.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91^st place with 343 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins dropping into the dead zone.  In 92^nd place again with 293 points we have FlippersDivers V1 slipping beneath the waves.  In 93^rd and last place again with 282 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust whose team looks like it has a worse problem than Scotland has with alcohol.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than me because I’m going on holiday tomorrow?  In joint 10^th place with 597 points we have Hadley GP and Stig Of The Dump with their impression of Little and Large.  In joint 8^th place with 600 points we have Bad Hat Harry and Deb's Delights reappearing at the high end of the food chain.  In 7^th place with 603 points we have Breaking Down Bad doing the opposite and going up good.  In 6^th place again with 605 points we have Fellside Fools showing he’s no fool this time.  In 5^th place with 611 points we have Taranis thundering into the frame.  In 4^th place with 625 points we have Thor's Hammer striking a blow for pensioner’s rights.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than a squirrel that’s found a nut?  In 3^rd place with 637 points we have Glutæus Maximus, flexing his muscles and blowing most of the opposition away…and clearing the room as well.  In 2^nd place with 654 points we have Evo slipping only one place, which is less than her morals have on occasions.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 658 points is Titan Uranus, who realised he was going bald when he noticed it was taking him longer to wash his face.

In the overall standings the same inmates are occupying most of the cells at the bottom.  Rising to 84^th place with 1262 points we have Claire Teuma, but she’s still dragging her feet with the same speed as she drags herself out of bed in the morning.  In 85^th place with 1254 points we have Zabaleta is a Manc, albeit a very worried and optimistic one at the moment.  In 86^th place with 1246 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 performing at a higher level than his ego permits…just.  In 87^th place with 1244 points we have On the Right Track looking for a compass that works.  Still in 88^th place with 1195 points we have Team Mackarel, which, appropriately, is an anagram of A Camel Market as she certainly has got the hump with this result.  Rising one place to 89^th place with 1143 points we have Hezza's Hero's grateful for any leg up she can get.  Dropping to 90^th place with 1117 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins heading south faster than a Scot frightened of independence.

Our inverse podium of shame is unchanged, so it looks like the pattern for the season is being established early.  In 91^st place with 974 points we have Do'nut Donnelly oozing points like jam from a half-eaten do’nut.  In 92^nd place with 901 points we have FlippersDivers V1 looking for help from the nearest lifeboat station.  In 93^rd and last place with 792 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust going bust faster than the Co-operative Bank.

Who are at the top of the tree acting like a pigeon and crapping on everyone below?  Still in 10^th place with 2256 points we have Bad Hat Harry hoping to exchange his hat for a crown at the end of the season.  Dropping like a stone to 9^th place with 2272 points we have Debbie Does Dallas going down faster than a Dubai Burj Khalifa elevator.  Rising to 8th place with 2284 points we have Stig Of The Dump hoping to tramp all over the opposition.  In 7^th place with 2295 points we have Breaking Down Bad still running faultlessly.  Stationary in 6^th place with 2325 points we have Thor's Hammer banging on the door.  Slipping again to 5^th place with 2350 points we have Mr Kobyashi with his impression of Bambi on ice.  Rising to 4^th place with 2351 points we have Titan Uranus tightening his grip, like a pole dancer saying, “Look, no hands.”

As with the inverse podium, our leading podium positions are unchanged.  In 3^rd place with 2380 points we have Kaiser reinforcing his position and hoping it’s more successful than the Maginot Line.  In 2^nd place with 2465 points we have Evo creeping closer but failing to overtake those in front, just like trying to get past a caravan on a narrow country road.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our leader with 2568 points is still Glutæus Maximus, spreading his influence wide, just like his name.

The next race is the Spanish GP on Sunday 11^th May.  I will be in Catalonia but not at the race, unless we take a wrong turn on our bikes and finish up on the circuit complaining about drivers passing us at ridiculous speeds with no indicators.

Regards,

Lawrence.

2014 - Race 4 - Chinese GP Results

The points scored by each driver, chassis, and engine, and the points scored by each team entered were as follows.
 
 
 

Chinese GP		V e t t e l	R I c c I a r d o	A l o n s o	R ä I k k ö n e n	G r o s j e a n	M a l d o n a d o	B u t t o n	M a g n u s s e n	H a m i l t o n	R o s b e r g	M a s s a	B o t t a s	S u t I l	G u t I e r r e z	H u l k e n b e r g	P e r e z	V e r g n e	K v y a t	K o b a y a s h i	E r I c s s o n	B I a n c h i	C h I l t o n
Race Results	Race Finish Position			3	8			11	13		2		7	0	16	6	9	12	10				19
	Starting Grid Position	3	2	5	11	10	22	12	15	1	4	6	7	14	17	8	16	9	13	18	20	19	21
	Fastest Race Lap										Y
	No. Completed Laps	54	54	54	54	28	53	53	53	54	54	53	54	5	53	54	54	53	53	53	52	53	52
	Disqualified?
	No. Stop/Go Penalties
Driver Points Scored	Race Finish Position	30	40	50	15					75	60		20			25	10		5
	Starting Grid Position	20	21	18	12	13	1	11	8	30	19	17	16	9	6	15	7	14	10	5	3	4	2
	Grid - Race Movement	-4	-4	4	6		16	2	4	0	4	-18	0		2	4	14	-6	6	2	0	2	4
	Fastest Lap										10
	No. Completed Laps	54	54	54	54	28	53	53	53	54	54	53	54	5	53	54	54	53	53	53	52	53	52
	Disqualified Penalty
	Retirement Penalty					-50								-50
	Stop/Go Penalties
Total Driver Score		100	111	126	87	-9	70	66	65	159	147	52	90	-36	61	98	85	61	74	60	55	59	58
Chassis Points Scored	No. Completed Laps	54	54	54	54	28	53	53	53	54	54	53	54	5	53	54	54	53	53	53	52	53	52
	Retirement Penalty					-25								-25
Total Chassis Score		54	54	54	54	3	53	53	53	54	54	53	54	-20	53	54	54	53	53	53	52	53	52
Engine Points Scored	Race Finish Position	30	40	50	15					75	60		20			25	10		5
	Starting Grid Position	20	21	18	12	13	1	11	8	30	19	17	16	9	6	15	7	14	10	5	3	4	2
	Retirement Penalty					-20								-20
Total Engine Score		50	61	68	27	-7	1	11	8	105	79	17	36	-11	6	40	17	14	15	5	3	4	2

Race Result				Overall Position
Name	Race Total	Race Position		Name	Overall Total	Overall Position
Titan Uranus	658	1		Glutæus Maximus	2568	1
Evo	654	2		Evo	2465	2
Glutæus Maximus	637	3		Kaiser	2380	3
Thor's Hammer	625	4		Titan Uranus	2351	4
Taranis	611	5		Mr Kobyashi	2350	5
Fellside Fools	605	6		Thor's Hammer	2325	6
Breaking Down Bad	603	7		Breaking Down Bad	2295	7
Bad Hat Harry	600	8		Stig Of The Dump	2284	8
Deb's Delights	600	8		Debbie Does Dallas	2272	9
Hadley GP	597	10		Bad Hat Harry	2256	10
Stig Of The Dump	597	10		Bona Eventui	2169	11
Nurse Judy	586	12		The Don	2075	12
Luck of the Irish	585	13		Nurse Judy	2066	13
Kaiser	584	14		Deb's Delights	2060	14
Nicks Numpties	583	15		Hadley GP	2058	15
Antenociticus	581	16		Nicks Numpties	2038	16
Mr Kobyashi	564	17		Taranis	2017	17
Honey, Honey	555	18		Henry's Cars	1978	18
Gunn Metal	551	19		Antenociticus	1949	19
Erik The Elephant	550	20		Team Mitch	1929	20
Robbies Banger Racing	545	21		It Just Sounds Wrong	1925	21
Nandrolone	541	22		Cockand Bull	1918	22
Bona Eventui	540	23		Robbies Banger Racing	1900	23
Pie Axe	539	24		Fellside Fools	1896	24
Fury	538	25		Baja Scoch 2	1890	25
FlippersDivers	534	26		Erik The Elephant	1881	26
Whickham Racers	534	26		Luck of the Irish	1843	27
Aussie Grit	533	28		F1HFH 2014	1824	28
The Don	531	29		I'm The Taxman	1810	29
Wild Thyme	530	30		Smoke Tabs, Drink Beer, Talk Shite	1807	30
Debbie Does Dallas	526	31		Fury	1805	31
A Taste Of Honey	522	32		Virgin On The Impossible	1801	32
Smoke Tabs, Drink Beer, Talk Shite	522	32		Jenson's Buttons	1781	33
Chilling Gus	521	34		Baja Scoch	1769	34
David Parkin	519	35		Aussie Grit	1748	35
I'm The Taxman	517	36		I Love Beer	1746	36
Donnelly's Danglers	516	37		David Parkin	1735	37
Robbie The Reindeer	515	38		Kyalami Racing	1714	38
Mustang Sally	514	39		Gunn Metal	1697	39
Henry's Cars	503	40		Bill's No Hopers	1677	40
Mercedes AMG	501	41		Brandling Villa	1673	41
Erik Estrada	499	42		FlippersDivers	1655	42
Baja Scoch 2	495	43		Milton De Silva	1634	43
203020	494	44		Bullet Proof Bomb	1631	44
Bill's No Hopers	490	45		Fletch Lives	1630	45
Baja Scoch	489	46		Dannielle Johnston	1623	46
Charlie Johnston	489	46		Wild Thyme	1623	46
Stop Up Villa	489	46		Chilling Gus	1622	48
Honeycombover	487	49		Mustang Sally	1619	49
F1HFH 2014	475	50		Whickham Racers	1617	50
I Love Beer Too	475	50		Houghton Bird	1614	51
Mean Machine 00	474	52		Pie Axe	1595	52
Fraser's Faster	473	53		Honey Monster	1590	53
It Just Sounds Wrong	471	54		Team JB	1583	54
Cockand Bull	467	55		A Taste Of Honey	1582	55
Baja Scoch 3	464	56		Mercedes AMG	1582	55
Brandling Villa	464	56		Donnelly's Danglers	1580	57
C'est la vie	463	58		Charlie Johnston	1562	58
Team Mitch	461	59		I Love Beer Too	1557	59
Honey Monster	459	60		Nandrolone	1555	60
In Trouble Again	457	61		Jody Scheckter	1508	61
Virgin On The Impossible	455	62		Robbie The Reindeer	1502	62
Fletch Lives	454	63		McLaren All The Way	1490	63
Jenson's Buttons	454	63		Team Tuna	1480	64
Milton De Silva	449	65		203020	1464	65
Kyalami Racing	448	66		La Dolce Vita	1455	66
Team Tuna	447	67		Bring Back Kinnear	1451	67
Ticketyboo Guess Who	447	67		C'est la vie	1442	68
I Love Beer	446	69		Hugh Janus	1437	69
Why F1 When You Can F2?	446	69		Irene Loves McLaren	1426	70
Houghton Bird	442	71		Fraser's Faster	1425	71
La Dolce Vita	438	72		Mean Machine 00	1420	72
Hugh Janus	435	73		Erik Estrada	1408	73
Claire Teuma	434	74		Baja Scoch 3	1407	74
Dannielle Johnston	431	75		In Trouble Again	1402	75
Bottom of the Barrel +1	430	76		Michael Maughan	1401	76
Team JB	425	77		Honey, Honey	1382	77
Zabaleta is a Manc	415	78		Mickey & Lula Speed Demons	1374	78
Michael Maughan	414	79		Honeycombover	1358	79
SOHO	413	80		Stop Up Villa	1356	80
Team Mackarel	408	81		SOHO	1343	81
McLaren All The Way	407	82		Ticketyboo Guess Who	1315	82
Bullet Proof Bomb	406	83		Why F1 When You Can F2?	1277	83
Jody Scheckter	401	84		Claire Teuma	1262	84
Hezza's Hero's	396	85		Zabaleta is a Manc	1254	85
Bring Back Kinnear	393	86		Bottom of the Barrel +1	1246	86
Mickey & Lula Speed Demons	388	87		On the Right Track	1244	87
Irene Loves McLaren	365	88		Team Mackarel	1195	88
On the Right Track	364	89		Hezza's Hero's	1143	89
Do'nut Donnelly	355	90		El Paso by Marty Robins	1117	90
El Paso by Marty Robins	343	91		Do'nut Donnelly	974	91
FlippersDivers V1	293	92		FlippersDivers V1	901	92
Abu Dhabi or Bust	282	93		Abu Dhabi or Bust	792	93
Male Average =	495			Male Average =	1,684
Female Average =	472			Female Average =	1,643

Regards,
Lawrence.