2014 - Race 4 - Chinese GP report

USELESS QUESTION:

DO WITCHES USE SPELL CHECKERS?

USELESS FACT:

LEE HARVEY OSWALD STILL HAS AN OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOK FROM DALLAS PUBLIC LIBRARY.

 

Easter has arrived and we had a miracle to go with the original one – it was sunny for the whole four days of the bank holiday weekend.  Compared to Easter last year it was brilliant so there was no need to perform another miracle and walk on water, even in the Somerset Levels.  So, who walked on water and who passed water in China?

In the battle of the genders the men reminded the ladies of their place, beating them by 495 points to 472.  In the overall battle the men’s lead is now extended to 1,684 points to 1,643, but the ladies wish this wasn’t the only thing that the men could extend frequently.

Now, whose performance in China left them feeling as unwelcome as the Dalai Lama?   In 84^th place with 401 points we have Jody Scheckter dropping from anonymity to mediocrity.  In 85^th place with 396 points we have Hezza's Hero's with a hat-trick of appearances at the bottom that are as painful as a boil on her bum.  In 86^th place with 393 points we have Bring Back Kinnear which, alarmingly, is starting to look like a better alternative to what Newcastle United has at present.  In 87^th place with 388 points we have Mickey & Lula Speed Demons making an inauspicious debut, much like David Moyes at Manchester United.  In 88^th place with 365 points we have Irene Loves McLaren, which should really be named Irene Loves Chocolate.  In 89^th place with 364 points we have On the Right Track, but only if he’s heading to rehab.  In 90^th place with 355 points we have Do'nut Donnelly with one hat trick he wishes he hadn’t scored.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91^st place with 343 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins dropping into the dead zone.  In 92^nd place again with 293 points we have FlippersDivers V1 slipping beneath the waves.  In 93^rd and last place again with 282 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust whose team looks like it has a worse problem than Scotland has with alcohol.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than me because I’m going on holiday tomorrow?  In joint 10^th place with 597 points we have Hadley GP and Stig Of The Dump with their impression of Little and Large.  In joint 8^th place with 600 points we have Bad Hat Harry and Deb's Delights reappearing at the high end of the food chain.  In 7^th place with 603 points we have Breaking Down Bad doing the opposite and going up good.  In 6^th place again with 605 points we have Fellside Fools showing he’s no fool this time.  In 5^th place with 611 points we have Taranis thundering into the frame.  In 4^th place with 625 points we have Thor's Hammer striking a blow for pensioner’s rights.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than a squirrel that’s found a nut?  In 3^rd place with 637 points we have Glutæus Maximus, flexing his muscles and blowing most of the opposition away…and clearing the room as well.  In 2^nd place with 654 points we have Evo slipping only one place, which is less than her morals have on occasions.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 658 points is Titan Uranus, who realised he was going bald when he noticed it was taking him longer to wash his face.

In the overall standings the same inmates are occupying most of the cells at the bottom.  Rising to 84^th place with 1262 points we have Claire Teuma, but she’s still dragging her feet with the same speed as she drags herself out of bed in the morning.  In 85^th place with 1254 points we have Zabaleta is a Manc, albeit a very worried and optimistic one at the moment.  In 86^th place with 1246 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 performing at a higher level than his ego permits…just.  In 87^th place with 1244 points we have On the Right Track looking for a compass that works.  Still in 88^th place with 1195 points we have Team Mackarel, which, appropriately, is an anagram of A Camel Market as she certainly has got the hump with this result.  Rising one place to 89^th place with 1143 points we have Hezza's Hero's grateful for any leg up she can get.  Dropping to 90^th place with 1117 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins heading south faster than a Scot frightened of independence.

Our inverse podium of shame is unchanged, so it looks like the pattern for the season is being established early.  In 91^st place with 974 points we have Do'nut Donnelly oozing points like jam from a half-eaten do’nut.  In 92^nd place with 901 points we have FlippersDivers V1 looking for help from the nearest lifeboat station.  In 93^rd and last place with 792 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust going bust faster than the Co-operative Bank.

Who are at the top of the tree acting like a pigeon and crapping on everyone below?  Still in 10^th place with 2256 points we have Bad Hat Harry hoping to exchange his hat for a crown at the end of the season.  Dropping like a stone to 9^th place with 2272 points we have Debbie Does Dallas going down faster than a Dubai Burj Khalifa elevator.  Rising to 8th place with 2284 points we have Stig Of The Dump hoping to tramp all over the opposition.  In 7^th place with 2295 points we have Breaking Down Bad still running faultlessly.  Stationary in 6^th place with 2325 points we have Thor's Hammer banging on the door.  Slipping again to 5^th place with 2350 points we have Mr Kobyashi with his impression of Bambi on ice.  Rising to 4^th place with 2351 points we have Titan Uranus tightening his grip, like a pole dancer saying, “Look, no hands.”

As with the inverse podium, our leading podium positions are unchanged.  In 3^rd place with 2380 points we have Kaiser reinforcing his position and hoping it’s more successful than the Maginot Line.  In 2^nd place with 2465 points we have Evo creeping closer but failing to overtake those in front, just like trying to get past a caravan on a narrow country road.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our leader with 2568 points is still Glutæus Maximus, spreading his influence wide, just like his name.

The next race is the Spanish GP on Sunday 11^th May.  I will be in Catalonia but not at the race, unless we take a wrong turn on our bikes and finish up on the circuit complaining about drivers passing us at ridiculous speeds with no indicators.

Regards,

Lawrence.